Idiot Bomb.

One of the forums (forua? foruii?) I participate in had an idea called an "Idiot Bomb". Basically, if you had a bomb that would only eliminate certian ass clowns, who would those ass clowns be?

Ass Clowns.
1. People of means who move to an area and then complain about it. I've read several distubing articles about people who move to a rural area, like a fake residental area in the middle of farm land, and then complan about the SMELL and the FLIES. And what's more, they want a law passed to take care of the smell. First, you're the one who chose to leave the big, bad, scary city (and trust me, my city is like living in a goddamned cream puff) and move onto what was, up until maybe 2 years ago FARM LAND. Second, those farmers your whining about ruining our outside play time 6 days a year are the ones who grow the food on YOUR table, and those farmers need to fertilize their crops. You should be fucking glad that you can smell the fertilizer, because that means they're using something NATURAL that might not KILL YOU. How fucking DUMB does one have to be to think that shit don't stink? Die. Now.

2. The 10% of the population who don't use their blinkers to make their drive "more exciting". I can't find the study, my husband heard about it on the radio, told me and the above was what I remembered. If you fall in this category please stop reading, douse the interior of your car in gasoline, get in, close the door and light a match because you are a worthelss fuck who deserves to die in just this manner. Unfortunately you will probably just cause such a crash and get off scott free. In fact, if you do anything like speed, tailgate, cut people off, don't read traffic signs or come to screeching stops in the middle of the street to make your drive "more exciting", feel free to follow my above suggesti-demand as well.

3. Whatever percentage of people who don't use their blinkers because they're "too lazy" can also get fucked. If you are too lazy to move ONE GODDAMNED FINGER less than 3 inches to the blinker lever, you should be caged, intubed and force fed like a pate goose until your liver explodes.

*4. People who bring children into bars, and then expect the bar to be a safe and wholesome space for children. I hope your children all grow up to be alcholic clowns who beat your elderly ass with their big shoes while they care for you. It's A BAR, most of the people there had to show identification to get in which makes it an ADULT SPACE where people do ADULT THINGS. Do I go to Chuck-E-Cheeze, drink a bladder exploding amount of beer and expect everyone to laugh uproariously while I teach the children what "whiff test" means? No, I do not, because I know that is not wanted there. Likewise, I do not want to you and your family showing up to my bar expecting me, and the rest of the grown ups, to behave as though we are day care teachers. Trust me when I say the only day care teachers in bars are the ones trying to clear their minds of the horrors you and your children inflict on them...for minimum wage no less!

5. Evangelical end-times christians. If you are actively working to acheive whatever wacko goals you fictional book sets up for the end of the world...trust me, you are not needed here. I may have been raised an athiest, but I know for damn certian that the Jesus you claim to "worship" isn't down with that shit. Beyond that, how could you even be considered human? Humans want to live, humans want others to live, humans like living. You? Not human, I'd say scum, but I wouldn't want to insult it. Hang yourself now and quit wasting the rest of our oxygen. Plus, why the fuck would you want to piss off Skydaddy by fucking up what you say he made for you?

6. Religious types with persecution complexes. GET OFF THE CROSS, SOMONE ELSE NEEDS THE WOOD. What more do you want???? A law to get everyone who isn't you to tongue wash your dumper? Guess what - YOU ALREADY HAVE EVERY FUCK THING. You control all sectors of the government, all electorial candidates, what happens in most schools, hosptials, colleges, libraries, clinics and your religious busines- I mean churches are TAX FREE meaning they don't have to provide ONE IOTA of support to the communities they occupy. Jebus crisp, maybe try to get the shit you already control working right and then I'll let you stick your nose up my ass while I'm in my bedroom.

7. Mothers who bring their children EVERYWHERE because they can't trust the father to care for them for a couple hours, or some such nonesense. If you truly believe the best achievement a person can have is a child, if it is indeed the greatest thing you've ever accomplished or that it's The Most Important Job In The World, why did you do it with a man you don't trust? I mean, are you stupid, evil or some combination of both? Children are essentially helpless until, well, I don't know, but I know they're helpless for a while, and for a longer while they're much smaller than adults. Why would you make something like that with a person who you can't even trust enough to look after it for 2 hours while it naps? Why do you have to instead take that child (or those children) to the grocery store, during nap time, at the height of crankyness and irritation? Here's a hint: if you make kids with a responsible adult, that person is capable of watching them without putting them in the microwave, or leaving them on the curb with the recycling.

8. And speaking of recycling, I hate people who complain about other people trying to live "greener". There's a local talk radio host who revels in his disgust at people using their own bags, driving hybred cars, recycling or doing anything out of the usual to be a little more conscious of their consumption. He, of course, has dozens of callers who agree. Seriously, why the hell do you care if I use canvas bags for my shopping? I don't do it because I want to feel better than others (I'm a Subgenius, I KNOW I'm better). I, and most other people, do it because it's actually more convenient. When I use canvas bags, I can usually carry my entire shopping trip in one load, which is AWESOME. I'm sorry if you don't understand the concept "don't shit where you eat" (which is pretty much what we're all doing with cars, plastics and all that), but if you'd like I'll come over to your house and illustrate why we don't do that.

Okay, my cup of irritation at humaity is bottomless, so I'll just end now. And start anew later.



*Listen, I'm all for kids in bars. I live in an area of the country where it's pretty much part of the culture. It's a valuable way for children to learn the fun, and dangers, of drinking. That said, my parents never ever expected the patrons to act any differently in my presence. I'm a better person for that.