9.16.2008

What if everyone thought like you?

I've gotten this a couple times in an attempt to convince me that if everyone thought like me, there would be no more babies, and as a result the entire earth would be depopulated. Riiiiiiight....that's gonna happen. When someone says that, I know two things...1. they like babies. and 2. they've been thinking about babies and haven't heard a word I said.

Go ahead, like babies all you want. I kind of do as well. I like their super soft skin, their tiny digits are cute, it's funny how they all look like tiny Churchill's, they get the best smelling lotion and they don't move very far or very fast. However, none of these are compelling reasons why a person should have one without thinking about it ahead of time, or in spite of their desire to NOT do so.

However, if you think I want to keep everyone from experiencing such blissful wonderment, I'm either not expressing myself well enough, or you aren't reading/listening carefully. All I really want are two things:
1. I want parents to be honest about their experiences and acknowledge that it's a difficult job that not everyone can, or should, do. I don't want to be fed a line of "butterfly kisses and Kodak moments", I get enough of that from popular culture. I want you, as a parent, to say "This really is a difficult and time consuming job. If you don't do it right, you are fucking up someone else's chances of being a happy and productive person. I've had to change my life radically and well, sometimes I don't actually like it. It's expensive. Everything just doesn't 'fall into place', it's not 'different when it's your own' and it's thankless, messy, chaotic and difficult." See? Easy and honest.

2. I want people without children to be able to think ahead of time and decide whether or not having children is the right choice for THEM. If they don't feel it's the right choice, then they should be free to NOT make that choice without the rest of society looking down their nose at them. Having children should not be something you feel obligated to do to make anyone else happy, it should not be something you feel required to do to be a part of society as a whole, it should definitely not be something you "just do". It should be something you WANT and are WILLING to do in spite of the fact that you know about all the work that goes into it.

What would happen should these two things EVER happen as commonly as people "just have kids" currently?
People would know, without a doubt, what parenting is like. They wouldn't have had smoke blown up their asses by parents spewing "I'd never known happiness before my child", "I didn't want one at first, but then one just came along and now it's great", "My child is the most wondrous thing I've ever experienced without a moment of regret or anger".

With accurate knowledge, people could then go through the decision making process with open eyes. Some people do want to do that work, but there are a goodly number of people who don't. The people who don't want to do that work could then say "No, not for me" and go on being productive and happy citizens. The people who do want to do that work would enter into it with the full knowledge of what they're in for so they're not surprised at the vast amount of work needed to raise a human to be a productive member of society. As a result, there would be FEWER unwanted and abused kids because...GASP...the people who never wanted them in the first place would not feel compelled to have them!

It's disgusting to me to know that for most people, thinking ahead and making a decision as to whether or not to have children is considered "bold" or "unusual", especially if one decides to not have one. No...wait...disgusting isn't a strong enough word....abhorrent, contemptable, loathsome, offensive? Yes, it is completely and utterly loathsomely offensive to me that most people do not think for even a moment whether or not to have children, that they just "do it" like animals. Do you take a moment to think before you buy a new car? Did you take half a second to think before you moved to a new apartment? Did you pause a moment before you purchased a house, changed a job, or relocated? Would you take a few seconds and think "do I want my lung removed?" if you were told you had cancerous cells in one? My guess is most parents would say "Yes" to all of the above questions, but when asked "did you think whether or not you wanted kids before you had them?" they would look at you like you just copped a squat and shat the floor.

When you do a shitty ass job of raising your kid, because you never really wanted one in the first place and "just had one" because it was the thing to do, or you were knocked up anyway or whatever...YOU ARE FUCKING EVERYONE. Your messed up kid will eventually become a messed up adult who will either make your mistakes all over, make someone elses life miserable, and/or have to spend years of their own lives clawing their way to a sense of normalcy and happiness...all because you just "had" them without thinking because it's just "something people do".

9.09.2008

A day in the life of a SAHM.

6:30 am - Wake up, wipe sleep from eyes. Find bathrobe somewhere on the floor, put it on. Stumble out of bed, stub toe on toy two year old left on the ground.
Why do your kids leave their toys in your bedroom?

6:45 am - Make coffee, spill water on the counter.

And this is specific to your stay at home life, how? Don't worry, most people probably dribble the water when making coffee, regardless of having children or not.

7:00 am - Wake kids. Return to kitchen, prepare lunches for lunchboxes. Pour cup of coffee, burn hand.

So it takes you a half hour to wake up and make coffee....but only 15 minutes to make lunches? Ever think of making them the night before?

7:15 am - Wake kids again. Brush teeth, wake up husband.

Your husband can't wake himself up? Seems like a stellar man to make some kids with.

7:20 am - Threaten children with bodily harm if they don't get out of bed. Help kids get dressed.

Your kids can't dress themselves yet? Huh? By the time I was going to school for enough time to eat a packed lunch, I could dress myself. Maybe if you taught your children how to dress themselves, you wouldn't have to spend time on this.

7:30 am - Get kids breakfast and husband a cup of coffee. Pile dishes in the sink.

And why can't your children or husband help? Oh yeah, the man you made kids with can't roust himself, and the school age children don't know how to dress themselves, thusly making your job even harder and more time consuming.

7:45 am - Instruct children to brush teeth and hair. See husband sipping coffee and reading paper or watching the news on TV (totally oblivious to chaos erupting around him).

Well, you did it to yourself lady. If you don't expect, OR EVEN ASK, anyone to help they won't and all the tasks will fall to you.

7:50 am - Blot out toothpaste with water from the kid's shirts.

If they won't do this themselves, maybe they just don't care and can go to school with toothpaste on their shirts...like I do nearly every day.

8:00 am - Load up the van, take kids to school.

Hmmm...you could probably put them on a bus..OR HAVE THEM WALK. If school is a 10 minute drive it's probably reachable by foot.

8:10 am - Arrive at school, wait in drop-off line and hope nobody sees you in your jammies. Drop off kids, narrowly miss hitting child crossing the street.

See above, I mean seriously...I went to a school that was a half hour bus ride away, and had to RIDE my damn bike there all by myself for summer school.

8:20 am - Arrive home. Husband is showered and dressed and walks out the front door, dripping coffee on the floor as he exits.

Well tell him to wipe it up, damnit. Oh wait, you can't ask him to help, he can't even roust himself from bed, I highly doubt he can manage to work paper towel.

8:30 am - Change baby's diaper and get baby's breakfast ready.

8:45 am - While baby is eating, clean up kitchen and load dishes in dishwasher.

Wow, you have a dishwasher, that should save some time, right? I've never had a dishwasher, and spend dozens of minutes every couple days doing dishes.

8:50 am - Clean up baby's mess, wipe up floor and pick cheerio's out of your hair.

Why is there food in your hair? Were you rolling in the food? Here's a clever hint I learned from my aunt, who had TRIPLETS, put a sheet under the kid. When the kid is done, remove the food from the child, move the child in it's chair off the sheet, wad up the sheet and shake it out the back door. Mess? Clean!

9:00 am - Dress baby.

Ach...why dress a baby? Let it be free!

9:10 am - Make beds and collect laundry.

Whaaa? It only takes you 5 minutes to make beds and gather up laundry, but 10 minutes to dress a baby and a half hour to get your own ass out of bed and coffee made? Weird priorities, but okay. Here's a hint, teach your school age children how to make their own beds and where to put their dirty laundry, that'll free up 5 minutes.

9:15 am - Find two day old diaper in baby's room under pile of clothes.

Tee hee! Isn't that cute and funny? I have feces spread all over my house!

And that's why I don't spend much time in the homes of people with children, I'm just not that keen on feces.

9:20 am - Load washing machine.

10 minutes to load a washing machine, but only 5 minutes to collect laundry and make beds...still so strange.

9:30 am - Play patty cake with baby and watch "Sesame Street".

Well, at least you're interacting with your child. Infants don't really know from Sesame Street though so you could probably be watching something else.

9:45 am - Zone out watching Big Bird and make lists in your head of things to do.

Yes, babies are fun...for about 15 minutes.

10:00 am - Change laundry from washer to dryer.

Again, 15 minutes to change the loads? Maybe she could alter how she does that and free up like, 10 minutes each time.

10:15 am - Unload dishwasher.

10:30 am - Prepare baby's snack, nibble on a cracker.

Why don't you take this time to nibble on more than a cracker? Why don't you and baby eat together? I don't have children and even I know it's possible to eat at the same time as them.

11:00 am - Lay baby down for a nap.

11:15 am - Clean up bathrooms, scrub left over toothpaste from bathroom sink.

11:30 am - Get dressed.

12:00 pm - Check email, see urgent email from last week you forgot to return.

Well, at least she knows she can be doing stuff while her child sleeps. Though, a half hour to get dressed, and she's not even going out anywhere? She really is bad with time.

12:30 pm - Wake baby, feed lunch. Eat baby's left over pb&j.

Again, why don't you make and eat your own pb&j at this time? Oh yeah, you're a SAHMartyr who never gets even a second to nourish yourself.

1:00 pm - Change baby, clean up lunch mess.

See 9am, if you never dressed the baby in the first place then you wouldn't have to change it now.

1:30 pm - Clean up husband's spilt coffee, make cup of coffee for yourself.

Really? A half hour to wipe up some coffee drips and warm up a cup from the pot you made this morning...ooooookaaaaaayyyyy.

2:00 pm - Fold laundry, leave on top of dryer.

Why not take the laundry with when you leave the laundry room? It can't possibly add that much time to distribute it to the rooms of the people whose clothes they are. Oh wait, it can because it takes you a half hour to wipe up coffee drips and warm a cup of coffee.

2:30 pm - Clean up goldfish crackers baby found and spilled and crushed into rug.

A. the baby didn't just FIND crackers, you gave it crackers. B. If you don't want a baby or rug covered in cracker crumbs, either don't give crackers to a baby or see the hint at 8:50 am.

2:45 pm - Leave to pick up kids from school.

So this time it's only a 5 minute trip to school? Again, if its this close, why don't they walk? I was able to transport myself to and from school pretty reliably from the time I started attending school. Oh wait, I forgot...there's a line of pedophile murderers waiting in the bushes for the moment your child leaves the school grounds, and if you believe that you maybe should seek some sort of counseling because your kids are more at risk from people they know than the random stranger on the street.

2:50 pm - Listen to kids complain about their teachers and friends.

Stupid kids and their stupid problems. Gee, she sounds like she's really happy with her chosen station in life. Bitter? I hardly knew 'er.

3:00 pm - Pick up husband's dry cleaning.

And your husband can't pick up his own dry cleaning why? Oh, because you've never expected or asked him to lift a finger to help...okay.

3:15 pm - Run to grocery store

Ahhhh...this solves one mystery which is why people feel the need to bring their children with them to the grocery store instead of leaving them at home with the other genetic donor.

4:00 pm - Return home, find dry cleaning in a pile on the floor of van that baby must have pulled down.

Good thing it comes with hangers.

4:15 pm - Unload groceries, find 2 boxes of sugar cereal you're sure you didn't put in the cart.

Really? You really didn't notice the two neon colored, cartoon character adorned boxes when the clerk was taking each individual item out of your cart and scanning it? I guess it is hard to see things when your head is shoved up your ass.

4:30 pm - Start homework, look for pencils for 15 minutes.

Yeah, your children should have pencils in their school bags because they need pencils at school. LOOK IN THEIR BAGS!!

4:45 pm - Help with homework, racking brain to remember how to add fractions.

If you don't know how to add fractions anymore, be honest and have your kids ask their teacher. They should be doing their OWN homework, you doing it for them doesn't help them learn.

5:00 pm - Start dinner. Place pencils in secure location.

What the fuck? Your kids are old enough to go to school all day, but can't dress themselves, walk the 15 minutes to school or be trusted with pencils? Have fun wiping their asses when you're 60.

5:30 pm - Referee argument between children.

Or you could just send them to their respective rooms for a time out, or to finish their homework. Wait, you've done such a crappy job that they can't be trusted alone....sucks to be you.

6:00 pm - Greet husband, serve dinner, pile dishes in sink. Listen about husband's stressful day.

Lesseee, you had a leisurely morning playing with baby, drinking coffee, doing dishes and laundry, and yet you seem bitter to hear your husband complain about his day working for pay on someone elses schedule. What a bastard he must be.

6:45 pm - Drop off son at cub scout meeting.

And the father of this child can't do this, why? Because to you he's just a wallet and sperm donor and can not be expected to serve any purpose beyond that apparently.

7:00 pm - Return home. Start dinner dishes.

If you had a decent relationship built on mutual respect, he might have started the dinner dishes while you were dropping off the kid. But you don't....sucks to be you.

7:30 pm - Bathe baby. Get drenched like a visit to Niagra Falls.

Of course he couldn't possibly do this, only women can bathe babies. Men, when given a baby and soapy water will pour the water over ice and drink it, and try to smoke the baby.

7:50 pm - Read story, sing one lullaby, put baby to bed.

Men also can not put children to bed. Men will end up playing darts and watching porn with them. Guys will be guys!

8:00 pm - Pick up son from cub scout meeting, agree to give friend a ride home.

And the children's father can't do this why? Is he a drunk who lost his license? Did he molest another cub scout? Get in a fight with the pack leader?

8:30 pm - Arrive home, start nighttime showers.

Ahhh yes, your school age children who can't dress themselves or be trusted with pencils can't possibly bathe themselves. It must be very difficult to have several special needs children.

9:00 pm - Put older children to bed.

Nighty night!! Daddy can't because your daddy likes to touch little kids in their swimming suit parts.

9:30 pm - Finish dinner dishes, wipe kitchen counters.

Daddy can't...daddy drinks for the government.

9:45 pm - Sit with husband, lie about how great your day was. Listen to husband complain about how he is the only one who works at his company.

What's so bad about your damned day? You played with the baby that you supposedly love more than anything in the world, you did some laundry and picked up shit around the house. Sounds pretty fucking alright to me.

10:15 pm - Announce that you're tired and off to bed.

Lie to get out of yet another miserable attempt at conversation.

10:20 pm - Walk past laundry room, take more clothes out of dryer, fold.

Hey! Take those clothes with you!

10:30 pm - Visit www.families.com

Or open mouth, insert gun and sit quietly for 10 minutes while tears stream down your cheeks. Spend 5 minutes putting gun back in drawer when you realise that if you kill yourself, Drunky McPedophile, the father of your children will be in charge of them.

10:45 pm - Put baby back in her own room.

Didn't you put the baby to bed in her own room? Perhaps if you did in the first place, you wouldn't have to spend 15 minutes doing it now.

11:00 pm - Arrive in bedroom, get in bed.

11:30 pm - Dose off.

11:45 pm - Sit straight up and remember that you offered to make cookies for kids school the next day.

Well, you did that to yourself. If your day truly is so busy, you should have said no.

11:50 pm - Write note to self reminding self to pick up store bought cookies before school.

Yeah, with this tight schedule filled to the brim with important activities that only you can do, I don't see how you'll ever find the time to go to the store before school and get cookies.

12:00 am - Check, then recheck alarm.

12:15 am - Hear husband coming up stairs.

12:18 am - Pretend to be sleeping.

Nice way to avoid having non-procreative sex with your husband. You obviously aren't tired, but...well, say hello to "OMG! I can't believe my husband is cheating on me!"

12:30 am - Dose off again.

Oh there's that dream again, you know the one where you never had kids in the first place and instead spend your days working at a job with other adult people and return home to be with your loving husband who respects you enough to help out around the house, who you can talk to, and who you still have really awesome sex with.

12:45 am - Sleep!

And have that dream where you weren't a total failure as a mother and wife. Where your school age children are able to dress themselves, put their dirty laundry in hampers, make their own beds, get themselves the 10 blocks to school, handle pencils and wash themselves. Where your husband respects the work you do and helps raise the children he made with you. Where you didn't have to pretend to be tired and go to bed to avoid talking to him, where you didn't have to pretned to be asleep so he wouldn't paw your ass in a furtive attempt to make love to you.