Well, it's almost 2009

And I don't have much to say.

The holidays were uneventful and quiet. All of my cousins are over the age of 19, and none have sprogged, so that was nice. No family drama, no one was ill, the weather was weathery, in all I have no complaints which makes for a rather boring post. I did get a wonderful gift from my family in that my cousin, who got married at the age of 20 to her high school sweetheart, and her husband are definitely child free (for now? I hope not). I'd suspected for a while that she was, but never heard her husband say anything on the subject until this holiday. I just overheard him say in response to a question I didn't hear "No, we're not having kids", and would have jumped up, hugged him and said "Congratulations! You both will be SOO HAPPY!" if it wouldn't have seemed so awkward and inappropriate. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to hanging out with them and having a fine old time at her brother's wedding this summer.


I do have a small list of idiot bombs...but I just don't have enough of a raging hate-on to really rip 'em good. However ALL CEO's and Sarah Palin can go to hell together, and companies that run ad campaigns for things I have no choice in (electricity?) can join them.

Oh, and a big ol' YAY to Culver's for making it easy for their consumers to recycle the plastics that are a part of every fast food meal. Custard? Mashed potatoes? A variety of foods? Now plastic recycling? This will be my only fast food choice from here on out.

You are your kid's best friend? Thanks for destroying society.

Unspoil Your Child (Yes, for chrissakes, do something, ANYTHING to keep the rest of us from having to deal with the resultant coddled, entitled "adult"!)

A trinket here. A toy there. Somehow it's all adding up to a kid who expects to get whatever she asks for. Here's how to unspoil your child. (mmmm, giving them crap once in a while does not equal a spoiled child...not setting boundaries, saying "no" and trying to be their best friend does.)

By Marisa Cohen

Who hasn't bought a few moments of peace from a screaming toddler with a lollipop or splurged on a pair of sneakers just to hear your son say, "Mom, you're the best!" (Really? You bribe your kids to love you? Wow. Just, Wow.) When you're busy or stressed, it's tempting to buy your 2-year-old that stuffed pony just so you can get through Wal-Mart without the Embarrassing Public Tantrum (My parents let me throw the tantrum, and then removed me from the store, there's nothing a store has that is so important that it couldn't be obtained tomorrow - or without me). Or let your kid eat candy and bread for dinner so you can eat your own fish and veggies in peace. (My parents just said "No, you get what we get. If you don't like it now, maybe you'll like it better for breakfast tomorrow when you're really hungry. Now go to your room.") But if your child rarely has to wait between "I want it" and "I have it," then he may be missing out on the chance to develop the emotional tools he'll need to be a happy and successful adult (Whaaa? You don't say?!). “When your child doesn't have the opportunity to deal with the little disappointments in life by your saying no to her, you may be giving her poor preparation for dealing with the small or large difficulties that may come her way," says Diane Ehrensaft, Ph.D. (AKA Captain Obvious), author of Spoiling Childhood: How Well-Meaning Parents Are Giving Children Too Much — But Not What They Need It's not too far a stretch to see how a child who is given every new video game the day it comes out can develop into an adult who gets frustrated when he isn't given the corner office on his first day of work (and ends up shooting up the place when he doesn't get an advance on his paycheck, or when that bitch in accounting turns him down for a date), notes Steven Friedfeld, a family therapist in New York City. But you can put an end to the gimmes — whether it's your child's inflated holiday list or her insistence on treats or snacks as prepayment for good behavior. Here's how to go about implementing the despoiling process: (and hey, good luck with that, if you need total strangers to tell you to use common sense, this probably isn't going to do you, and by default society, a lick of good)

STEP 1: Acknowledge where the problem starts.
As much as we hate to admit it, spoiling is mostly about us parents: "We often try to compensate for what we didn't have as children, to assure ourselves that our children love us, or to make up for any parental guilt we feel," (Since we're starting at the basics, don't have children to feel loved or to make up for the upbringing you are dissatisfied with - have children because you want the JOB of PARENTING) says Ehrensaft. Teresa Sellinger, a mother of three in Sparta, NJ, readily agrees with this: "I came from a huge family and grew up wearing hand-me-downs," she says. "So I'm always buying my daughters the most stylish, matching outfits to wear to school. I know that's more about my issues than theirs!" (And the problem with hand-me-down's is? I grew up wearing HOMEMADE clothes. Get over yourself, and realize that your parents were probably being sensible and living within their means.) Giving your kids whatever new gizmo they want as soon as they want it is also a way to show off how successful you are, both financially and as a supermom. How many times have you heard a mom "complain" about how many Webkinz her kid has, as she simultaneously glows in the knowledge that she was able to buy them for her? Try to figure out where your need to spoil is coming from (and here's the nugget of truth in the lie, it's not really a need to spoil...it's a need to one-up everyone else by showing off that YOU obviously love your children MORE because you are willing to go into debt to show everyone how successful you are as a...uhhh...a...what exactly?). Ask yourself a series of questions: Are you tired, overstressed, and trying to find a quick-fix solution? Are you feeling guilty for not spending enough time with your kids? Are you getting more of a kick out of this gift than your child is? Once you figure out what's driving your tendency to spoil your kids, you'll be better able to kick the habit. (When you stop being superficial, and take the time to teach your children there is more to a person than their clothes and toys, then you might not have children who insist on having the latest crap to one-up their peers the way you feel you need to one-up your neighbors.)

STEP 2: Set rules and consequences.
There is a slippery slope in parenting, where the initial "If you behave, I'll buy you a treat" turns into "Here, take this treat, and hopefully you'll behave." (Is there some problem with "I expect you to behave. If you misbehave there are consequences. If you behave in an extraordinary manner, you might just get a treat."? In real life, people do not get extra rewards for doing what they are expected to do, they get extra rewards for going beyond expectations.) To wean your child off this demand-reward pattern, you'll have to set the new rules in stone (or try setting them BEFORE your child becomes a demanding ass). "Observe your child for a few days to notice when she is really being demanding and refusing to take no for an answer — whether it's with staying up past her bedtime, asking for new toys, or wanting candy," suggests Lisa Forman, a family counselor in Sleepy Hollow, NY (Like I said, have rules because no one obeys rules that don't exist). Let's say you recognize a pattern: Your daughter refuses to sit still at the dinner table unless she is promised her favorite dessert (Wow, I only got dessert away from home). The next step is to come up with a rule and a realistic consequence — such as taking away TV or computer privileges — for her behavior, keeping in mind your child's age and tolerance level. And make sure your partner's on board with the new plan; kids are experts at playing one parent off the other (Here's a hint, BEFORE you have children, see if your partner's on board, then come to an agreement as to how you will raise your children BEFORE having them.). Then, sit down and explain the rules to your child: "In our house, we get ice cream on Friday night if we have behaved at dinner all week. If there is whining for candy during dinner, you will lose the ice cream privilege." Ask your child to repeat it back to you to make sure she understands — or better yet, make a chart together that she can decorate with stickers each time she follows the rules. (Most people I know in my age bracket and older were not rewarded for merely behaving. Rewards are only required to instill good behavior in a people who have been set up to expect to be rewarded for behaving in a socially acceptable manner.)

STEP 3: Don't justify your decisions.
The other night, I told my 4-year-old daughter that she couldn't have any cookies before dinner (And the conversation didn't end there, why?). Somehow, she managed to turn this into a 10-minute discussion about why (No, you ALLOWED her to. Simply saying "Because I say so." should be an adequate reason for a 4 year old). I realize now that she had no interest in listening to my explanation about the sugar content of the cookies — she was simply doing her best to break me ("Trying to break me"? Are you fucking serious? You are an adult playing a child's game and she wasn't doing anything beyond being a child. If you said "No, this is not a discussion, now go play.", what would have happened? She would have sulked for a couple minutes, and then gone to play.). "Parents have this illusion that if they give their children the reason why they can't do what they want, the child will stop wanting it, and as far as I know, that has never happened in the history of parenting!" says Nancy Samalin, a parenting educator and author of Loving Without Spoiling. Instead of trying to reason your child into obeying you, simply say, "No, and that's the end of the discussion." If she comes back at you with, "Why?" remind her, "In our house, that is the rule." And as your child repeats her "But why?" refrain over and over, keep this statistic in mind: A survey by the Center for a New American Dream found that kids will ask for something an average of nine times before the parents cave (and keep this in mind, YOU are the PARENT. You are the ADULT. It is your JOB to RAISE the people you've made. You do not have to explain your reasoning to anyone who you are raising.). So stay strong and repeat your simple "no" on the ninth, tenth, and eleventh entreaty. Eventually, your child will realize that her attempts are futile, and she'll move on.

STEP 4: Resist peer pressure.
When all their other tactics fail, children will inevitably resort to the one sentence that has been used to guilt parents since that first annoying caveman next door gave his son a shiny new rock: "But all the other kids have one!" (And that concerns you how? No, really, that's one of the retorts my HORRIBLE (snark off) parents used. What do you care if every other fucking kid in the fucking world has whatever crap? What concern is it of ours?)Unfortunately, there is no magical response that will definitively shoot this argument down (Wrong. There are several responses; 1. Maybe you'll get it for your birthday/another gifting occasion/when you do something to earn it. 2. If you really want it, you'd better figure out how to earn some money and buy it. 3. And your point is? And I should care why?), but there are a couple of strategies that can be successful. "You can say to your child, 'That's interesting. Let's talk about it,'" suggests Ehrensaft (Yes, be the adult sucked into playing the child's game. It will surely teach them nothing.). "There may be a good reason for your child wanting what the other kids have: It might be a great new game everyone is playing at recess or a new book they're all talking about (You know none of these are good reasons to just buy your kid some crap, right?). Tell your child that you will look into it, and see if it's something you want him to have." If the book/toy/game seems worthwhile, you can add it to his birthday list — or together you can come up with a strategy for how he can "earn" it, whether that means helping him calculate how much allowance he'll need to buy it (perhaps he needs to save half the price, and you'll kick in the rest) or suggesting it as a reward for a good report card.

STEP 5: Brace yourself for the meltdowns.
The first few times you stick to a new rule and say no, it will be painful — for you, your child, and everyone else within hearing distance (And if parents were honest, we wouldn't have to tell you that rearing children isn't all ponies and sunshine). "There will be meltdowns at first, so fasten your seat belt and react to them in a very calm and neutral way," suggests Ehrensaft. "If you hold to that line every day, your child will learn that this is not the way to get something that he wants, and he will eventually stop." In fact, experts compare this part of the despoiling process to sleep-training your baby: a week or so of stress and tears, and then one blissful night your baby sleeps till morning — or your kid finally understands the word no. (Yes, that's right...one can train a baby to sleep outside of the family bed, eat food that doesn't come from a teat and use a toilet without lasting psychological harm. If you have managed to find a person to make a baby with, I'm guessing your parents probably did the same with you as it is a rare person who will choose to make a baby with a 23 year old who still sleeps with mommy, craps their pants and gets a boobie before night night)

STEP 6: Share the thrill of anticipation.
I remember being 8 years old and running up and down the stairs in my house, screaming with excitement because the once-a-year TV showing of The Wizard of Oz was about to begin (I hate this damned movie, but that's another rant). Today, when my daughters want to see Dorothy and the Munchkins, they simply pop in a DVD. (Why do your children have unfettered access to your electronics?)
While our instant-gratification culture has made life easier in many ways, it has also diluted the joy of looking forward to special experiences (Just because you CAN have every whim instantly fulfilled doesn't mean you HAVE to). Just think about the buildup of excitement you get when you plan a vacation a month away — there's the thrill of planning it, packing for it, talking to your friends about it. When you finally get there, the joy is magnified (I am filled with joy any time I'm away from work). But if there is no wait, no period of dreaming about it, the thrill is often less intense (Who the hell goes on vacation with out planning ahead of time? Even I, an irresponsible worthless child free person, has to ask off from work, find coverage, save money, and pack.). "When kids are accustomed to getting things right away, nothing excites them anymore," says Friedfeld. "The bar has been raised so high that by the time they're teenagers, they might start looking toward other things — like alcohol and sex (and Jackass-like behavior, and killing homeless people)— for thrills (That's what happens to people who grow up with the Soma of immediate gratification, and never feeling an ounce of discomfort - why, as a parent, would you set someone - who you supposedly love more than anything - up for that kind of failure?)." Friedfeld also points out that teaching your children to wait for fun and treats helps them sustain focus and attention, two very important skills for success in school (Wouldn't it be easier for you to never say no and just strong arm teachers for passing grades? Then you'll totally have a best friend forever. Granted, they'll have no skills and you'll be caring for them until you die, but you'll never be lonely).
One of the best ways to teach anticipation is to give your child an allowance and let him save it toward the item he covets. My daughter, for example, knows that it takes exactly three weeks of saving her $2 allowance to have enough to buy a new Rainbow Fairies book, and seven weeks to save for a new Webkinz (I don't even want to know). For those few weeks, she talks about the book or animal, draws pictures of it, and discusses it endlessly with her little sister.
Other parents have found wish lists to be a powerful tool. Small children can cut out or draw pictures of toys they want for their birthday or Christmas/Hanukkah; older kids can create electronic wish lists on amazon.com and other websites (Whaaaa? My mother would come to me the first week of November and say "I need your birthday/Christmas list." The only time I knew I would get gifts was at my birthday or Christmas. This was the list my grandparents and relatives got as well. And it wasn't a guarantee that I'd get anything on the list, and I knew it. If your children are expecting specifically requested gifts at times that aren't traditionally for gift giving, you have already given them too much). And make the list finite: She can keep 10 items on it at any given time; to add a new wish, she has to eliminate an old one (or if you teach them that gifts are special, and that a list isn't a guarantee, then you won't have to worry). This not only helps her prioritize what she truly desires but also shows your child that a toy she swore she couldn't live without in April may seem less important in July.

STEP 7: Indulge in nonmaterial joys.
By now, your child should be behaving so wonderfully (sure) that you will be tempted to smother him with tons of treats (or you've decided that you just want them to shut the fuck up and have returned to your coddling ways). Luckily, there are plenty of things you can bestow in abundance without running the risk of spoiling: snuggling on the couch and reading books (um, isn't this what parents do with their children?); saying "I love you" (nurturing your children should not be their reward for good behavior, who are you? Joan Collins?); popping a bowl of popcorn and watching the football game (again, really? what kind of household is this? Mommy Dearest? "Honey, we'll act like a real family if you're good"); listening to her tell an elaborate story about a princess and her magical purple rhinoceros without even once checking your cell phone (ohh, THAT kind of household. "Mommy's busy, go play with the box of broken glass until I decide you're good enough to listen to."). And don't forget those weekly rewards for good behavior — if your child has followed all the rules you set, go ahead and share an ice cream sundae or do each other's nails (yes, everyone gets a reward for behaving as expected in Joan Crawford's house). Because when you strip the parent-child relationship down to its core, it's pretty simple: Most kids would forgo another stuffed animal in favor of time with you. And that's something money can't buy. (That means changing your life to accomodate the people you've created...maybe just bring your kids with you to the bar and let them steer on the drive home)

Get Grandma on Your Team
Your children know that all they have to do is bat their eyes at your mom and that talking Elmo doll is theirs. How to get your parents with the program: (What? The? Fuck? Seriously?! When I was a child, Grandma was supposed to spoil me, that was her job. Going to Grandmas was a TREAT, because it was DIFFERENT from home. I got dessert and candy at Grandmas, I got sugar cereal, I got to stay up late, I got to check out all the books I wanted from the library, I got to pick out new patterns for my home made clothes and sometimes I'd even a toy I'd asked for - or at least got to play with different toys than were at my house.)

SET LIMITS
One mother of two in Minneapolis told REDBOOK she had present overload after the holidays last year. "We donated the extra toys to charity, but this year I'm asking the grandparents to buy just three gifts per child: one outfit, one toy, and one book." (I was an only child, and the only grandchild on both sides of my family, I was also the only neice. I was hella spoiled by my relatives... so maybe that's why my parents, uhhhh, you know, parented me.)

GET COLLEGIATE
"Ask your parents to be moderate in their gifts. If they would like to make additional contributions, ask them to consider starting a fund or a trust for your child," says Ehrensaft. (Yes, that is just exactly the same as giving the child a gift. I know I really appreciated the bonds my grandparents got me when I was broke and wanted booze as I was flunking out of college on the first try.)

REQUEST THE GIFT OF TIME
Encourage your parents to spend the day with the kids at the botanical garden or baking cookies together, instead of buying them a giant dollhouse or stuffed animal. "Love is spelled T-I-M-E," says Samalin. "Remind your parents that your children love them, and not just things they give them." (Whaaaa???? Spend time with the children? Surely you jest. They raise themselves if you buy them enough crap to keep them quiet. Seriously, what the hell do people do with kids these days? Buy them stuff and lock them in the garage, apparently.)


If you are a parent, or someone who is responsible for raising a child, and you've made it this far...I applaud you for making it through my snarky opinions. Unfortunately for us all, the people who most need to hear this are not the ones reading it. You already have an ounce (or 16) of common sense, and already know that saying No to your children, and doing the job of parenting won't damage them. You are awesome. Trust, no matter what other parents might say about "gentle discipline" and "not stifiling creativity", that you are the adult and when you set boundaries and have rules which you enforce, you are doing society a favor as a whole because you will have created a well adjusted person who can work within the society we ALL must live in (and yes, it is a very different place than the "village it takes to raise a child"). You will create someone who is happy and confident, who respects and trusts your opinion and who will, in time, grow to be your friend and confidant...and that, according to my parents, is the best reward of all.

Well, MY WORT is infectious...

Tonight I am the sub-sub for Ms. Jenni's Leopard Print Lounge. While she's in Italy, looking at the crotches of the Ballet Trocadero, her husband the wonderous Dave 3000 has been filling in for her. Now he's gone to Italy to fill her in, and I'm subbing. As a result, I'm the sub-sub- host and I'm totally going to NOT stink up the place this time. Or at least I'll open a window.

If you'd like to experience the horror, feel free to visit WORT's home page, and click on the archived shows tab. Then look for Leopard Print Lounge....oh, and you've only got a week. If it's been more than a week, you'll have to satisfy yourself with reading the play list and using your imagination.

Sparks - I've Never Been High - Exotic Creatures of the Deep
XTC - Grass - Skylarking
Tom Heinl - Half Day Vacation - With or Without Me
Cheech & Chong - Sargent Stadanko - Cheech & Chong's Greatest Hit

The Who - A Quick One (While He's Away) - BBC Sessions (Q)
Parts and Labor - Satellites - Receivers
Wire - One of Us - Object 47 (N)
Frank Zappa - Flakes - Sheik Yerbouti (Q)

Joseph Arthur & The Lonely Astronauts - Look Into The Sky - Temporary People (N)
Love and Rockets - Mirror People - Earth, Sun, Moon
Clinic - Free Not Free - Do It!
The Dirtbombs - Leopardman At T&A - We Have You Surrounded

The Cramps - Love Me/Strychnine/TV Set - How To Make A Monster
William Shatner - Common People - Has Been

Messer Chups - Anton LaVey 66.6FM - Crazy Price (Q)

Messer Chups - Inferno Image - www.myspace.com/messerchups (Q)
The Fall - Telephone Thing - 50,000 Fall Fans Can't Be Wrong
Coyle & Sharpe - Sandor 21 - On The Loose
Kaada - All Wrong - Thank You For Giving Me Your Valuable Time
Killer Pussy - Pocket Pool - Vally Girl Sndtrk.

Alien Sex Fiend - Eat! Eat! Eat! (An Eye For An Eye) - Curse (Q)
Black Diamond Heavies - Numbers 22 - A Touch Of Someone Else's Class
El Vez - Mexican Radio - Gracias Land (Q)
Bongwater - Ye Olde Backlash - The Big Sell-Out

King Kahn & His Shrines - Killer Diller - Billiards at Nine Thirty
The Blues Magoos - Tobacco Road - The Best of...
Phyllis Diller - Don't Eat Here/The Way I Dress - Are You Ready For...?
Earthling Society - The Boy With The X-Ray Eyes - Beauty & The Beast (N)
Of Montreal - An Eluardian Instance - Skeletal Lamping (N)

Devo - Come Back Jonee - Are We Not Men?
Mitch Hedberg - Arrows/Saved by the Bouyancy of Citrus/Mitch is the S'th - Mitch All Together
Love - The Good Humor Man He Sees Everything Like This - Forever Changes

N= New
Q = Question or Request

The Death of Roller Derby.

This is my manifesto.
5 years ago, I saw a flier seeking girls interested in wearing skates and hitting other girls. I went to the first meeting of what became one of the influential leagues in first wave of the roller derby resurgence. I began skating with that league at a time when there were few rules, lots of creativity, and fighting and cheating were encouraged. Roller derby was "marketed" as scrappy girls in wacky/sexy uniforms knocking each other around. The only purpose rules and refs served was to provide a moderate framework for the safety of the players and to keep things from getting too out of hand.

This past weekend I helped out at an 18 league tournament. (That's more leagues in one place than were in existence when I started.) It was an awesome event with plenty of exciting roller derby action that allowed me to see how far the sport has come, or fallen, depending on your point of view. In my point of view, I think roller derby is falling into some sphere that I will have a really hard time enjoying and participating in should it continue to move in that direction.

Where I come from, people go to see roller derby because of the scrappy girls. They don't care how sexy these girls are, they don't care about the officiants, the announcers or , in most cases, the score. What they want to see is girls on skates knocking each other down with a minimal number of interruptions for penalties and injuries. They want to have a tough game where people do anything possible to get their jammer through the pack. They do not pay money to watch a bunch of people skate fast in a circle.

My biggest problem with where the sport is going is the Refs. People who chose to referee sports should have a genuine interest in the sport, officiating the rules and maintaining the safety of the game. These people should not have an interest in specific players, should not have an interest in showing off how cool or tough they are, shouldn't be hanging out with the teams on a social basis and should not be blowing their whistle for any reason beyond unsafe play. No one goes to a sport to see the fucking officials, period. Do not be an official if you need to have people pay attention to you, or you need to control people but couldn't make it in the police academy. Unfortunately, this is just the type of person who seems to be most drawn to referee roller derby. I believe refs have worked to increase the complexity and number of rules to the point where they've had to increase their numbers beyond all reason (name me one single sport where there are less than 2 players per ref). It is impossible to enforce the massive number of unnecessary rules fairly without having a ridicilous number of refs. What I saw at the tourney was a bunch of guys in black and white shirts show boating their skating skills, throwing snit fits because the score board was "confusing" (to them only) or the tape was wrong and hanging out with the players on a social basis. Does this happen in ANY OTHER SPORT? No. No it does not. Having a massive number of rules, where most of them have nothing to do with player safety, and fratrinizing, show boating refs just diminishes the toughness of the game, and makes it LESS professional and more boring.

And there's my second biggest complaint about where roller derby is going ... Professionalism. I understand that the people who play this sport want to be taken seriously. They are taking serious hits, having serious falls and really putting themselves on the line health-wise. The hits, falls and injuries are REAL. In my experience all I, and most other skaters, wanted people to know was no results were predetermined and all the hitting and falling was actually painful. However, during the tourney I overheard many comments about the professionalisim; some girls weren't dressed enough, some names were too dirty and how "awesome" it would be for this sport to be part of the Olympics. NO!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!! It's Roller Derby, not beach volley ball or WNBA. A big part of roller derby is your roller derby persona, which includes your name and the individual flair you give your uniform. What draws many women to roller derby, as opposed to other sports, is it's allowance for individuality and creativity (and the fact that it's full contact). You do get to pick your own name, you do get to alter your own uniform. If you are comfortable skating in your underware, then you get to skate in your underware. If you want to call yourself "Anita Flippabitch" then you get to do that. If the audience has a problem with that, they can get fucked, because they aren't skating. If a parent has a problem explaining the skater names or uniforms to their child, then they can go to fucking Chuck E. Cheeze so they won't have to have that conversation. To make it more professional, family friendly or uniform (in the uniform department) is to kill everything that makes it awesome, and draws people who would not otherwise pay to see a sport.

I just have a few questions.
What is so wrong with Roller Derby spending it's entire life as a relatively small, underground, amature, community-based event?
What is so wrong with the roller derby league in your community serving as something that helps keep the local roller rink open for another few years?
What is so wrong with people volunteering their time to help put on bouts, as opposed to paying to contract out so it's "professional" and "standardized"?
What is so right with diluting the basic essence of a very unique sport to keep it "family friendly" to get "major corporate sponsors"? Or simply so a small number of people can make massive amounts of money off the all the hard work we've put in on our own with no help from them to begin with?
What don't you like about spending a relatively small amount of money (compared to "professional" sports events) to hang out with your friends, see some awesome girls skate and knock eachother around and more likely than not, go hang out with them at the after party?


***I'll add here, I don't skate any more, but continue to participate as a mascot and support person. It has nothing to do with the issues in my manifesto above, but everything to do with the fact that I enjoy being able to do things like bend my knees and move without pain. Yes, I am a wuss.

Hows about advice for parents on how to keep their child free friends for once?

This is from the "Married, No Kids" section of Bella Online. Thanks for the useless and condescending advice that I've heard about a million and a half times. Maybe, one day, someone will write a column for parents about how to keep their childfree friends...doubtful. It is not my fault that a person chooses to completely upend their life by having children. Nor is it my duty to make my life without children seem sad, lonely or boring when chatting with parents to keep them from getting wistful for the lives they chose to give up.


Keeping Friendships with New Moms
I’ve felt it many times. That dread in the pit of your stomach when a friend announces she’s having a baby.
(Kind of , except my dread is more "Why? Why would you do that? Seriously?! The world sucks, and it's not getting any better you know.")

I panic.
(I give up.)

What will happen to our friendship? Will we still be friends? Will she still have time for me? What on earth will we talk about?
(We all know....you will try to be friends, but she won't have time because she can't leave the child with it's father for any length of time, though if you want to hang out with her and the baby, that'd be great because then we can also talk about the baby, while looking at it sleep. Now that sounds like a full pants load of fun.)

It can be scary, and sad, and depressing. And on top of all that, you feel GUILTY because you aren’t just plain old happy for her.
(I don't feel guilty for not being happy for a pregnancy. I do feel odd for feeling so indifferent, but not really, it's just how I am.)

As you navigate the waters ahead, keep the following things in mind:

1. First and foremost, understand that things WILL be different. Your friend is going to have some serious new responsibilities in her life that are going to take up her time, money, and energy. While spontaneous weekend trips to the beach might be a thing of the past (for now – kids do eventually grow up!), there are plenty of other things you can still do together. Meet for lunch, see a movie, go out for coffee. Your friend will surely enjoy the adult company!
(First and foremost, understand that things probably haven't changed with your childfree friend's life. They still work, have their hobbies, maintain relationships with others, and may even be following the news. Just because your life has stopp-er changed, don't expect theirs to have done the same.)

2. She is going to be experiencing things you won’t be able to understand. But you can empathize with her. A pregnant friend might be feeling terrible toward the end of her pregnancy. Even though you’ve never had a baby, you have felt under the weather before. Try to relate the best you can. Bring over a movie and something she’s been craving. She will most definitely appreciate it!
(Your friend will continue to experience things you may have once understood, but now have completely changed since you've had a baby. Her life may indeed not revolve around children, a husband (or partner), lactation consultants, baby proofing, diaper changes, the newest and biggest strollers or housekeeping. Her life may indeed revolve around her job, friends, family, partner, hobbies and a myriad of other things. )

3. As much as you might want to, DO NOT offer parenting advice!! Even if you think you know what you’re talking about, I guarantee your comments will not be appreciated, even if you are relating advice from a co-worker or another friend. But you can offer some resources for her, if you are so inclined. As a historian, I do lots of research on a daily basis. When my sister was having trouble getting my nephew to sleep, I found a couple of books for her on Amazon that I thought might help. I also recognize that I’m not a parent, and what might seem so “easy” to me, probably isn’t.
(As much as you want, DO NOT offer unsolicited dating advice, advice on how to get pregnant, how to snag/oops a man, buy a house or where to get the best deal on a huge white wedding gown. Just because your life and priorities have fallen well within the confines of Life Script(tm), don't assume she has any desire whatsoever to go down that path, and may indeed be quite happy with how her life is at this moment. Also remember, commenting on ones judgment and offering parenting advice are two vastly different things. And yes, parents CAN have poor judgment too.)

4. The people I’ve stayed friends with after parenthood are the ones whose lives have stayed well-rounded. Of course they want to talk about their kids. That’s as natural for them as me wanting to talk about my cats or my job or my vacation plans. That’s what’s important to them right now, and I respect that. But the ones who drone on and on exclusively about their kids are the ones I don’t talk to much anymore. Just like I avoid the people who only want to brag about their promotion or talk incessantly about their animal rescue work or their health problems. Everything in moderation, people!
(The reason why your friend doesn't have children might just be that they have no desire whatsoever to have them in their lives. Accept the fact that your friend won't want to talk exclusively about your child, and accept the fact that you will have to hear about their life if you start talking about your life. Oh, and don't get all pissy when you start feeling like your friend's life is totally fabulous and fun. It is, and yours could have been too, but you made the choice to have a child and change your life.)

5. Don’t start keeping track. If your friend doesn’t return an email or a phone call right away, try to be understanding of her new schedule. And be sensitive to her new lifestyle. When my sister had my nephew last year, I told her that I was reluctant to call her in the evenings. She works all day, and I know she only has a few precious hours with her son before he has to go to bed. Plus he is NOT a good sleeper, and the last thing I wanted was to wake him up with the phone ringing. So I told her to call me when she had the chance. If too many days went by without hearing from her, I’d send her an email to find out when she’d be free to talk for awhile.
(Yes, blow her off. Miss your dates and appointments with no notice. Never fulfill an obligation or promise. That said, do not expect your childfree friend to drop everything the moment you do manage to eke out some free time. Their life did not stop when YOU choose to have a child. If you stand them up too much, or only use them for babysitting and favors, and they stop contacting you, you may as well accept the fact that you have lost yourself a friend.)

6. Babies are huge time-suckers. They will occupy almost every waking moment of your friend’s time. They are dependent on her for every waking need. But this too shall pass. In a few years, your friend’s kids will be older and she will start to loose the dark circles around her eyes. She might even start showering every day again! Be patient. Eventually she will have more time to go out and have some fun with you.
(Maybe, just maybe, if you had the baby with a man you trusted, or with a man who actually wanted to be a father, as opposed to the first sperm donor with the strongest swimmers, you could leave the baby for that person to care for once in a great while, eh? Gee...ya think?! Oh wait, men can't do ANYTHING that would involve caring for something, that's crazy talk!! He'd, like, bury it in the yard, blow it up or install it in the car somehow. So yes, expect your childfree friend to sit by the phone, waiting, hoping, longing for that one day when you finally gets a chance to pull your head out your uterus and decide you can now return to living in society.)

7. Offer to do something to help your frazzled friend. Bring over the ingredients to make dinner for her and her family, or offer to pick up a pizza or some take-out for them. She will really appreciate the help, and that’s what friends are for, right? (Plus the added bonus is you get to spend some time with her!)
(Feel free to pay attention to your friends life and offer some company or help if she's having a bad run of it. Or perhaps consider that your friend might still enjoy spending time with YOU. Take a night off, leave the baby with a responsible person and go to a movie, get some coffee or just hang out together. Talk about things that don't involve the baby (pssst! you can listen to the news, or read, while your child sleeps) Ask your friend how HER life is going, and what's new with her. Feel free to use her as your connection to an enjoyable part of the world you may have lost touch with, music, comics, books, art, sewing...whatever. Don't expect her to show up with a full dinner and a broom if she was never that type of person.)

8. Sometimes friends grow apart, for all kinds of reasons, and there’s nothing you can do about that. I only exchange Christmas cards now with people I used to talk to on a daily basis. Some have kids, and some don’t. Lives can take many paths, and sometimes our relationships don’t survive. But you will always have the memories you share with them. Different people come into our lives for different reasons at different times. Remember, no one can replace a friend you’ve lost along the way, but don’t close yourself off to making new friends who share common interests with you.
(Give up! GIVE UP! Seriously, do you really need some total stranger tell you "it's okay to make new friends"?)

What if everyone thought like you?

I've gotten this a couple times in an attempt to convince me that if everyone thought like me, there would be no more babies, and as a result the entire earth would be depopulated. Riiiiiiight....that's gonna happen. When someone says that, I know two things...1. they like babies. and 2. they've been thinking about babies and haven't heard a word I said.

Go ahead, like babies all you want. I kind of do as well. I like their super soft skin, their tiny digits are cute, it's funny how they all look like tiny Churchill's, they get the best smelling lotion and they don't move very far or very fast. However, none of these are compelling reasons why a person should have one without thinking about it ahead of time, or in spite of their desire to NOT do so.

However, if you think I want to keep everyone from experiencing such blissful wonderment, I'm either not expressing myself well enough, or you aren't reading/listening carefully. All I really want are two things:
1. I want parents to be honest about their experiences and acknowledge that it's a difficult job that not everyone can, or should, do. I don't want to be fed a line of "butterfly kisses and Kodak moments", I get enough of that from popular culture. I want you, as a parent, to say "This really is a difficult and time consuming job. If you don't do it right, you are fucking up someone else's chances of being a happy and productive person. I've had to change my life radically and well, sometimes I don't actually like it. It's expensive. Everything just doesn't 'fall into place', it's not 'different when it's your own' and it's thankless, messy, chaotic and difficult." See? Easy and honest.

2. I want people without children to be able to think ahead of time and decide whether or not having children is the right choice for THEM. If they don't feel it's the right choice, then they should be free to NOT make that choice without the rest of society looking down their nose at them. Having children should not be something you feel obligated to do to make anyone else happy, it should not be something you feel required to do to be a part of society as a whole, it should definitely not be something you "just do". It should be something you WANT and are WILLING to do in spite of the fact that you know about all the work that goes into it.

What would happen should these two things EVER happen as commonly as people "just have kids" currently?
People would know, without a doubt, what parenting is like. They wouldn't have had smoke blown up their asses by parents spewing "I'd never known happiness before my child", "I didn't want one at first, but then one just came along and now it's great", "My child is the most wondrous thing I've ever experienced without a moment of regret or anger".

With accurate knowledge, people could then go through the decision making process with open eyes. Some people do want to do that work, but there are a goodly number of people who don't. The people who don't want to do that work could then say "No, not for me" and go on being productive and happy citizens. The people who do want to do that work would enter into it with the full knowledge of what they're in for so they're not surprised at the vast amount of work needed to raise a human to be a productive member of society. As a result, there would be FEWER unwanted and abused kids because...GASP...the people who never wanted them in the first place would not feel compelled to have them!

It's disgusting to me to know that for most people, thinking ahead and making a decision as to whether or not to have children is considered "bold" or "unusual", especially if one decides to not have one. No...wait...disgusting isn't a strong enough word....abhorrent, contemptable, loathsome, offensive? Yes, it is completely and utterly loathsomely offensive to me that most people do not think for even a moment whether or not to have children, that they just "do it" like animals. Do you take a moment to think before you buy a new car? Did you take half a second to think before you moved to a new apartment? Did you pause a moment before you purchased a house, changed a job, or relocated? Would you take a few seconds and think "do I want my lung removed?" if you were told you had cancerous cells in one? My guess is most parents would say "Yes" to all of the above questions, but when asked "did you think whether or not you wanted kids before you had them?" they would look at you like you just copped a squat and shat the floor.

When you do a shitty ass job of raising your kid, because you never really wanted one in the first place and "just had one" because it was the thing to do, or you were knocked up anyway or whatever...YOU ARE FUCKING EVERYONE. Your messed up kid will eventually become a messed up adult who will either make your mistakes all over, make someone elses life miserable, and/or have to spend years of their own lives clawing their way to a sense of normalcy and happiness...all because you just "had" them without thinking because it's just "something people do".

A day in the life of a SAHM.

6:30 am - Wake up, wipe sleep from eyes. Find bathrobe somewhere on the floor, put it on. Stumble out of bed, stub toe on toy two year old left on the ground.
Why do your kids leave their toys in your bedroom?

6:45 am - Make coffee, spill water on the counter.

And this is specific to your stay at home life, how? Don't worry, most people probably dribble the water when making coffee, regardless of having children or not.

7:00 am - Wake kids. Return to kitchen, prepare lunches for lunchboxes. Pour cup of coffee, burn hand.

So it takes you a half hour to wake up and make coffee....but only 15 minutes to make lunches? Ever think of making them the night before?

7:15 am - Wake kids again. Brush teeth, wake up husband.

Your husband can't wake himself up? Seems like a stellar man to make some kids with.

7:20 am - Threaten children with bodily harm if they don't get out of bed. Help kids get dressed.

Your kids can't dress themselves yet? Huh? By the time I was going to school for enough time to eat a packed lunch, I could dress myself. Maybe if you taught your children how to dress themselves, you wouldn't have to spend time on this.

7:30 am - Get kids breakfast and husband a cup of coffee. Pile dishes in the sink.

And why can't your children or husband help? Oh yeah, the man you made kids with can't roust himself, and the school age children don't know how to dress themselves, thusly making your job even harder and more time consuming.

7:45 am - Instruct children to brush teeth and hair. See husband sipping coffee and reading paper or watching the news on TV (totally oblivious to chaos erupting around him).

Well, you did it to yourself lady. If you don't expect, OR EVEN ASK, anyone to help they won't and all the tasks will fall to you.

7:50 am - Blot out toothpaste with water from the kid's shirts.

If they won't do this themselves, maybe they just don't care and can go to school with toothpaste on their shirts...like I do nearly every day.

8:00 am - Load up the van, take kids to school.

Hmmm...you could probably put them on a bus..OR HAVE THEM WALK. If school is a 10 minute drive it's probably reachable by foot.

8:10 am - Arrive at school, wait in drop-off line and hope nobody sees you in your jammies. Drop off kids, narrowly miss hitting child crossing the street.

See above, I mean seriously...I went to a school that was a half hour bus ride away, and had to RIDE my damn bike there all by myself for summer school.

8:20 am - Arrive home. Husband is showered and dressed and walks out the front door, dripping coffee on the floor as he exits.

Well tell him to wipe it up, damnit. Oh wait, you can't ask him to help, he can't even roust himself from bed, I highly doubt he can manage to work paper towel.

8:30 am - Change baby's diaper and get baby's breakfast ready.

8:45 am - While baby is eating, clean up kitchen and load dishes in dishwasher.

Wow, you have a dishwasher, that should save some time, right? I've never had a dishwasher, and spend dozens of minutes every couple days doing dishes.

8:50 am - Clean up baby's mess, wipe up floor and pick cheerio's out of your hair.

Why is there food in your hair? Were you rolling in the food? Here's a clever hint I learned from my aunt, who had TRIPLETS, put a sheet under the kid. When the kid is done, remove the food from the child, move the child in it's chair off the sheet, wad up the sheet and shake it out the back door. Mess? Clean!

9:00 am - Dress baby.

Ach...why dress a baby? Let it be free!

9:10 am - Make beds and collect laundry.

Whaaa? It only takes you 5 minutes to make beds and gather up laundry, but 10 minutes to dress a baby and a half hour to get your own ass out of bed and coffee made? Weird priorities, but okay. Here's a hint, teach your school age children how to make their own beds and where to put their dirty laundry, that'll free up 5 minutes.

9:15 am - Find two day old diaper in baby's room under pile of clothes.

Tee hee! Isn't that cute and funny? I have feces spread all over my house!

And that's why I don't spend much time in the homes of people with children, I'm just not that keen on feces.

9:20 am - Load washing machine.

10 minutes to load a washing machine, but only 5 minutes to collect laundry and make beds...still so strange.

9:30 am - Play patty cake with baby and watch "Sesame Street".

Well, at least you're interacting with your child. Infants don't really know from Sesame Street though so you could probably be watching something else.

9:45 am - Zone out watching Big Bird and make lists in your head of things to do.

Yes, babies are fun...for about 15 minutes.

10:00 am - Change laundry from washer to dryer.

Again, 15 minutes to change the loads? Maybe she could alter how she does that and free up like, 10 minutes each time.

10:15 am - Unload dishwasher.

10:30 am - Prepare baby's snack, nibble on a cracker.

Why don't you take this time to nibble on more than a cracker? Why don't you and baby eat together? I don't have children and even I know it's possible to eat at the same time as them.

11:00 am - Lay baby down for a nap.

11:15 am - Clean up bathrooms, scrub left over toothpaste from bathroom sink.

11:30 am - Get dressed.

12:00 pm - Check email, see urgent email from last week you forgot to return.

Well, at least she knows she can be doing stuff while her child sleeps. Though, a half hour to get dressed, and she's not even going out anywhere? She really is bad with time.

12:30 pm - Wake baby, feed lunch. Eat baby's left over pb&j.

Again, why don't you make and eat your own pb&j at this time? Oh yeah, you're a SAHMartyr who never gets even a second to nourish yourself.

1:00 pm - Change baby, clean up lunch mess.

See 9am, if you never dressed the baby in the first place then you wouldn't have to change it now.

1:30 pm - Clean up husband's spilt coffee, make cup of coffee for yourself.

Really? A half hour to wipe up some coffee drips and warm up a cup from the pot you made this morning...ooooookaaaaaayyyyy.

2:00 pm - Fold laundry, leave on top of dryer.

Why not take the laundry with when you leave the laundry room? It can't possibly add that much time to distribute it to the rooms of the people whose clothes they are. Oh wait, it can because it takes you a half hour to wipe up coffee drips and warm a cup of coffee.

2:30 pm - Clean up goldfish crackers baby found and spilled and crushed into rug.

A. the baby didn't just FIND crackers, you gave it crackers. B. If you don't want a baby or rug covered in cracker crumbs, either don't give crackers to a baby or see the hint at 8:50 am.

2:45 pm - Leave to pick up kids from school.

So this time it's only a 5 minute trip to school? Again, if its this close, why don't they walk? I was able to transport myself to and from school pretty reliably from the time I started attending school. Oh wait, I forgot...there's a line of pedophile murderers waiting in the bushes for the moment your child leaves the school grounds, and if you believe that you maybe should seek some sort of counseling because your kids are more at risk from people they know than the random stranger on the street.

2:50 pm - Listen to kids complain about their teachers and friends.

Stupid kids and their stupid problems. Gee, she sounds like she's really happy with her chosen station in life. Bitter? I hardly knew 'er.

3:00 pm - Pick up husband's dry cleaning.

And your husband can't pick up his own dry cleaning why? Oh, because you've never expected or asked him to lift a finger to help...okay.

3:15 pm - Run to grocery store

Ahhhh...this solves one mystery which is why people feel the need to bring their children with them to the grocery store instead of leaving them at home with the other genetic donor.

4:00 pm - Return home, find dry cleaning in a pile on the floor of van that baby must have pulled down.

Good thing it comes with hangers.

4:15 pm - Unload groceries, find 2 boxes of sugar cereal you're sure you didn't put in the cart.

Really? You really didn't notice the two neon colored, cartoon character adorned boxes when the clerk was taking each individual item out of your cart and scanning it? I guess it is hard to see things when your head is shoved up your ass.

4:30 pm - Start homework, look for pencils for 15 minutes.

Yeah, your children should have pencils in their school bags because they need pencils at school. LOOK IN THEIR BAGS!!

4:45 pm - Help with homework, racking brain to remember how to add fractions.

If you don't know how to add fractions anymore, be honest and have your kids ask their teacher. They should be doing their OWN homework, you doing it for them doesn't help them learn.

5:00 pm - Start dinner. Place pencils in secure location.

What the fuck? Your kids are old enough to go to school all day, but can't dress themselves, walk the 15 minutes to school or be trusted with pencils? Have fun wiping their asses when you're 60.

5:30 pm - Referee argument between children.

Or you could just send them to their respective rooms for a time out, or to finish their homework. Wait, you've done such a crappy job that they can't be trusted alone....sucks to be you.

6:00 pm - Greet husband, serve dinner, pile dishes in sink. Listen about husband's stressful day.

Lesseee, you had a leisurely morning playing with baby, drinking coffee, doing dishes and laundry, and yet you seem bitter to hear your husband complain about his day working for pay on someone elses schedule. What a bastard he must be.

6:45 pm - Drop off son at cub scout meeting.

And the father of this child can't do this, why? Because to you he's just a wallet and sperm donor and can not be expected to serve any purpose beyond that apparently.

7:00 pm - Return home. Start dinner dishes.

If you had a decent relationship built on mutual respect, he might have started the dinner dishes while you were dropping off the kid. But you don't....sucks to be you.

7:30 pm - Bathe baby. Get drenched like a visit to Niagra Falls.

Of course he couldn't possibly do this, only women can bathe babies. Men, when given a baby and soapy water will pour the water over ice and drink it, and try to smoke the baby.

7:50 pm - Read story, sing one lullaby, put baby to bed.

Men also can not put children to bed. Men will end up playing darts and watching porn with them. Guys will be guys!

8:00 pm - Pick up son from cub scout meeting, agree to give friend a ride home.

And the children's father can't do this why? Is he a drunk who lost his license? Did he molest another cub scout? Get in a fight with the pack leader?

8:30 pm - Arrive home, start nighttime showers.

Ahhh yes, your school age children who can't dress themselves or be trusted with pencils can't possibly bathe themselves. It must be very difficult to have several special needs children.

9:00 pm - Put older children to bed.

Nighty night!! Daddy can't because your daddy likes to touch little kids in their swimming suit parts.

9:30 pm - Finish dinner dishes, wipe kitchen counters.

Daddy can't...daddy drinks for the government.

9:45 pm - Sit with husband, lie about how great your day was. Listen to husband complain about how he is the only one who works at his company.

What's so bad about your damned day? You played with the baby that you supposedly love more than anything in the world, you did some laundry and picked up shit around the house. Sounds pretty fucking alright to me.

10:15 pm - Announce that you're tired and off to bed.

Lie to get out of yet another miserable attempt at conversation.

10:20 pm - Walk past laundry room, take more clothes out of dryer, fold.

Hey! Take those clothes with you!

10:30 pm - Visit www.families.com

Or open mouth, insert gun and sit quietly for 10 minutes while tears stream down your cheeks. Spend 5 minutes putting gun back in drawer when you realise that if you kill yourself, Drunky McPedophile, the father of your children will be in charge of them.

10:45 pm - Put baby back in her own room.

Didn't you put the baby to bed in her own room? Perhaps if you did in the first place, you wouldn't have to spend 15 minutes doing it now.

11:00 pm - Arrive in bedroom, get in bed.

11:30 pm - Dose off.

11:45 pm - Sit straight up and remember that you offered to make cookies for kids school the next day.

Well, you did that to yourself. If your day truly is so busy, you should have said no.

11:50 pm - Write note to self reminding self to pick up store bought cookies before school.

Yeah, with this tight schedule filled to the brim with important activities that only you can do, I don't see how you'll ever find the time to go to the store before school and get cookies.

12:00 am - Check, then recheck alarm.

12:15 am - Hear husband coming up stairs.

12:18 am - Pretend to be sleeping.

Nice way to avoid having non-procreative sex with your husband. You obviously aren't tired, but...well, say hello to "OMG! I can't believe my husband is cheating on me!"

12:30 am - Dose off again.

Oh there's that dream again, you know the one where you never had kids in the first place and instead spend your days working at a job with other adult people and return home to be with your loving husband who respects you enough to help out around the house, who you can talk to, and who you still have really awesome sex with.

12:45 am - Sleep!

And have that dream where you weren't a total failure as a mother and wife. Where your school age children are able to dress themselves, put their dirty laundry in hampers, make their own beds, get themselves the 10 blocks to school, handle pencils and wash themselves. Where your husband respects the work you do and helps raise the children he made with you. Where you didn't have to pretend to be tired and go to bed to avoid talking to him, where you didn't have to pretned to be asleep so he wouldn't paw your ass in a furtive attempt to make love to you.

Idiot bomb 2, Electric Boogaloo

Some more nuggets of joy for to keep my brain from 'sploding.

9. Coirkers who seem to always succumb to "illness" on days they're assigned to cover, whenever the boss isn't here, or even more annoyingly on days when they've agreed to cover for another. Simply put, I fail to see how you can manage to be legitimately ill 80% of your shifts. I'm all for mental health days, and slack, but can't you think of the people you're fucking once? Or give us a kiss, at least I like that when I'm being fucked. Why not, suck it up, go in and do the distasteful job you were hired to do, and be "sick" on a day when you don't have much of anything to do? It will decrease the amount of stink eye you get on the rare days you do come in.

10. Parents who complain about how hard it is to be a parent.
Here's how I found out parenting was hard, and that I didn't want to do it. I have aunts, uncles and as a result cousins. I have parents of my own, and grandparents as well. I've actually worked in child care. I've known children and been a child myself. Essentially, I used my observational skills and then used logic and reason to think, "Based on what I've observed, is this something easy to do?" The answer I brilliantly came up with was "No". In fact, I thought "That sucks balls, I'm glad I'm not doing it all the time". Seriously, by now everyone should know that parenting is a difficult, expensive, time consuming job. It's not a big secret. If you think having children is going to be all butterfly kisses, baby powder and Kodak moments, you are a deluded mental case who SHOULD NOT have children. You should, in fact, be sterilized until you've proven that you know what kind of unending crapass job raising children is. Don't fucking complain to me about a situation you willingly put yourself in.

11. Men who tell me I'm beautiful.
I'm know I'm not and I highly doubt you think so. What I do know is that I'm a lumpy, poorly dressed, unruly haired, smeary glasses mess. And telling me I'm beautiful is definitely NOT the butter that's going to get my buns. Really? Beauty? That's considered a compliment? Smeh. Kind of worthless in my book, and almost an insult. In my experience, beautiful people are vapid. Beautiful people care most about appearance. Beauty is very temporary. Why not wait 4 minutes and give an actual compliment? I'm quite funny, have a decent smile, am relatively smart, helpful and can talk to just about any one. That said, just because I gave you the time of day doesn't mean I'm looking to start a relationship, and certainly not with a man who seems to cast a Very Wide Net. Go away now, I'm not wearing clean underwear anyway.

12. Mechanic-I mean Car Fuckers.
I've NEVER had a mechanic who didn't eventually try to fuck me. I've driven college funds for mechanic's children most of my life so I know just enough about cars to know what's broken, but not enough to how to fix it. I've had the same parts replaced, and rereplaced. I've had diagnostic checks that cleared my bank account, but no diagnosis. I've had shitty repair jobs that only caused more problems. I've had repair jobs that could have resulted in my, or another's death. I've had repair jobs where I wasn't told about another broken part in the same vicinity with the hopes that I'd come back with even more resultant repairs. I know enough about cars now to know when I'm being fucked by a mechanic, unfortunately they're wily and always manage to find something new wrong. If you want to be a mechanic so you can buy a new boat, 8th mansion or solid gold enema kit, kindly rip out your own jugular with a monkey wrench. ( if you are a decent mechanic who actually takes pride in fixing things so they work better than they did when you got them, and isn't planning on turning evil in the next 40 years please contact me.)

13. Republicans

Is there some reason why they're the most frightened people on earth? I mean, these folks are afraid of EVERY FUCK THING. "Yikes! Gays exist!!", "OMG!! I think those people in that house on the next block are smoking pot and minding their own business!", "The horror!!! A woman wanting to work and control her reproduction!!", "I'm afraid a black man will look at me!", "Run!! Mexicans are being recruited and hired illegally by my giant corporation to make me more profits!", "But if everyone had health care we'd be socialist like those scary, gray jumpsuit wearing Canadians", "I'm afraid of people who aren't like me, I need to live somewhere with a big fence around it.", "Atheists don't believe in HELL! How will I keep one from pulling out and showing me my still beating heart?!" Seriously, people this terrified should not own guns...it's dangerous.

14. Single Bike Critical Mass
I understand riding a bike, it's fun. I understand why our city invested millions of dollars on bike paths, bike lanes, and "bike friendly" corridors, for safety and because the bikers wanted it. Hell, we've got bike paths with street bike lanes next to them! What I do not understand is why one would chose to make a fun, relaxing bike ride into a stressful, dangerous "single bike critical mass" by riding their bike down a congested road in the middle of rush hour when a block in one direction is a dedicated bike path with NO cars, and a block in the other direction is a bike corridor consisting of a wide, rarely traveled residential street.

15. Lance Armstrong Impersonators
That said, how much energy is saved and/or how much faster do you actually go when you're decked out in your "super hero" Lance Armstrong gear to ride your bike to/from work? Do you know how much you look like a douche? I know that you don't want to wear sweaty office clothes all day, but what ever happened to just wearing some sweat pants and a teeshirt you already had lying around? For some unknowable reason, they've got to wear a special little spandex outfit that they paid extra for because its special and lets everyone know how special they are. I understand if you're training for, or actually riding in, a bike race and need to reduce drag, or are riding your bike for dozens of miles a day and wearing the padded pants because your crotch goes all numb...and that's fine. But seriously, there are thousands of people tooling around my town all the time in this shit, and there is no way on earth that they're all in training for the Tour d'France. I'm starting to believe they're just folks who like to show the world that they have ALL the special things for riding their bikes because THEY take their HOBBY much more seriously than the rest of us mouth breathers. Why don't you just cash out your money, take it to a homeless shelter, make a pile and burn it?

If you don't want to read me rip into parents whose children have died, you might want to go away now... consider yourself warned.

16. Parents who leave their children to die sealed in cars and then get off scott free because they've "been through enough already".
I have a REAL difficult time believing this as it makes NO logical sense to me. From all I've been told, having children is the penultimate human achievement, it's life changing, you will know love and/or happiness for the first time, you will do anything and everything for them and even if you never wanted them in the first place it will all change when they arrive because it's always different when it's your own. And yet.....AND YET one can some how become so busy they simply FORGOT that they put this wonderful, magical, most important thing in their life in the car? Seriously? FORFUCKINGGOT?!
I. Don't. Buy. It. My aunt and uncle raised TRIPLETS as well as a daughter, which IS an all consuming job, and managed to never leave a single one in the car. In fact, I've never known any sane parent who could simply "Whooops? Where's my baby who I propose to love more than anything in the world? I don't remember!" I go to rock shows and I like being in an altered state. In fact, I've been so altered that I don't remember the ends of shows and yet...AND YET, I've NEVER just left someone passed out at a show to be molested. Simply put, if a drunk like me can go to a show with 10 similar drunks, and we can all manage to leave together...and don't forget, WE'RE DRUNK...and I might add, none of us pushed any other of us out their vagina for X-number of hours...I fail to see how a sober parent who truly is doing the most important job in the world can forget they have put THEIR OWN child in a car, ever.

Stupidist. Article. Ever.

Children? Who needs them?
More properly entitled, "Bitter? I Hardly Knew 'Er".

Jan Barden on the couples who are happy to live without offspring

Wow, Jan, thanks for enlightening us. I did not know couples COULD be happy to live without offspring.

Cuddle a baby, scented and sleepy fresh from the bath, and you feel you could die of joy. BINGO! Lessee, that's what? Like 5-10 minutes out of a day?But catch a fractious toddler kicking the corner tin out of a stack of baked beans in the supermarket and you could kill from rage. And that's the other 23.80 hours of the day, and you're wondering why folks aren't clamoring for a slab of that? That's parenting: a seesaw of emotions that can have you acting like Mother Teresa one moment, Pol Pot the next. And, like a runaway train, once you step aboard this ride, there's no getting off. Ever.

Imagine that, not EVERYONE wants their lives turned completely upside down to make society, or Jan Barden, happy.

	Child-free and easy: Karen Sparey and Redmond Prendeville 'I have never felt I am missing out,' she says - and certainly not on tears and tantrums

Yet some of us go along with it again and again. Biology is to blame. Once we are caught in the blinding headlights of hormones, we rarely stop to think if children will change our lives for the better. BINGO! We simply want a baby. And what our generation wants, it just has to have.

Yet some of us just don't have the ability to say "no" to our biology. Must. Have. Baby. Now. Damn the consequences! Don't forget to pity me because I have no control and have no ability to think ahead.

But the downy babies grow into bum-fluffed teenagers and fill our homes with cheesy socks and atmospheres as tense as a dentist's waiting-room. Our finances dwindle and then vanish as we face up to the chilly reality of school and university fees.

You are correct!! And yet, you seem cheesed that everyone hasn't just put on the ol' blinders and jumped in like you.

We try hard not to resent our childless friends, who, in comparison with us, breeze through their lives flashing more cash, getting more sleep and having more fun and freedom. "Marrakesh next weekend?" they murmur to each other. "Why not?"

And again, Bed. Made. Lie. So you've chosen to remain friends with people you obviously resent? Why should I care? Oh, and thanks for painting the childfree with the broad brush of wealthy irresponsibility. Listen, bitch, I work hard for the meager pittance I receive. I won't be going to Marrakesh next weekend because I can not pay for it. In fact, there are LOTS of things I can't pay for...a house, a new car, a dog, dental care, a new computer AND, gasp, even a baby. Of course, I don't want a baby, but I couldn't pay for one anyway.

They must be so happy. Or are they? BINGO! Could they just be filling their empty days with conspicuous consumerism to mask an aching loneliness and fear of a solitary old age? BINGO!

Wow, could I have some crackers with that tripe? Who will take care of me when I get old? I'm terrified! You must be so lonely without children hanging off you 24-7. What on earth do you do with ALL that free time you have, cry in your soup?

Apparently not. Those who have chosen not to become parents are, on the whole, pretty pleased with their decision. At the extreme end of the scale, some are smug and others are aggressively evangelical. Many prefer the term child-free to childless, which implies, to them, some sort of loss. It's quite the opposite, they insist in large numbers in internet chat rooms.

How DARE you be happy to not have children!! How DARE you try to connect with like-minded people!!! Mothers NEVER do this...NEVER! and then she adds the "You doth protest too much" b.s. "It must be the opposite if you say you're happy without children...no one could possibly be happy without having complete and total responsibility to raise other beings."

There's certainly a lot of them around: projections by the Office for National Statistics suggest that, of women born in 1973, 23 per cent - nearly a quarter - will not have had children by the time they hit 45.

And the point is? No really, what's the point? I'm surprised she didn't go on about the evils of feminism, birth control and working.

These are not the sad old "aunties" of yesteryear. Take 43-year-old Karen Sparey, an account administrator for a recruitment company. Child-free and fresh from an off-peak holiday in Cyprus, she says: "I feel I have a nice life. I have never felt I was missing out. Happy with your life? You selfish bitch!

"I don't think that it was ever a conscious decision to not have children until after I was 30. I have about five girlfriends who don't have children and none of them is bothered about it. It did start out as joke that we would wait until after the millennium as we thought it was going to be such a big party and we would never get a sitter. BINGO! Yes, most people decide to not have children simply because they're irresponsible party animals.

"There has never been any pressure from my family. My mum's cool and never asked about grandchildren. Anyway, my sister Helen has two boys.

"Despite working full-time I spend lots of time doing things I like. I swim at least two mornings a week and play netball, which if I had children I could maybe still do, but not be able to sit in the pub afterwards - guilt-free."

BITCH!! WHORE!!! HARLOT!!!! What a piece of work! She dared to not just have children the moment she was physically able, and in fact just let it slide like crap out of a goose? Her horrible parent's aren't DEMANDING grandbabies from her? And to top it all off, she's not a sad, lint-knitting, cat collecting, lonely spinster!! MONSTER!!

Sparey, who lives in Beckenham, Kent, says her partner, Redmond Prendeville, is equally happy with her choice and she faces the future without fear. "I can't say whether or not I will regret not having had children or grandchildren when I am older. There's nothing to say that those children you cared for and looked after are going to be there to do the same for you. And if they are, will they do it out of genuine love or just because that's what's expected?"

AND she's not filled with abject TERROR at the future? I mean, who will put her in an old folks home and force her to spend the last years of her life waiting hopefully for the obligatory yearly visit if not her children? WHO?!

Many child-free women are resentful that the workplace often seems skewed in favour of mothers, who may appear to work "kinder" hours or get extra time off. But Sparey has a more generous attitude: "I am sure they're not going home to put their feet up, unlike me. When I have a day off work, it means time to do nice things, not catch up on the ironing or take a little one to the doctor for an ailment.

"That's not to say I don't go 'Ahh' at the Johnson's Baby advertisements, but I do that over kittens and puppies, too. I just like my life and am not sure that a child would improve it - but I know it would change it."

How DARE you not want your life changed! How DARE you like your life!!!

It's a seductive argument and recent surveys in the US and Europe have indicated that childless married couples are "happier" than those with families. Yeah, put that "happy" in quotes Jan, after all no one can know true "happiness" until they have children, right? But research can work both ways. A new study at Texas Children's Hospital in Houston has shown that a baby's smile gives its mother a natural high, triggering parts of the brain that deal with sensations of reward and pleasure - the "feelgood" parts that also respond to drugs and drink. BINGO!At least a baby is legal.

Mmmm, my bingo card is filling up quite nicely. I'm sure that Texas study has NOTHING whatsoever to do with natural endorphins any humans body releases after something completely and horrifyingly painful. I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with the fact that some of these women might actually have wanted a child. Yesssss...I'm sure it just magically becomes all different when it's your own, even if you never wanted it, after all no parents ever abuse their children.

And it brings with it hidden advantages. Breastfeeding, for instance, reduces a woman's chances of rheumatoid arthritis as well as breast and ovarian cancer. It also helps to maintain bone density. BINGO!

And that's the PERFECT reason to have a child, to keep YOU safe and healthy. She doesn't mention that women who have children have greater amounts of tooth loss, or higher rates of obesity, stress or poverty. Two things to know... 1. breast feeding only reduces CHANCES and 2. there is NO escape from death.

That may offset to some extent the broken nights, toddler tantrums and teenage terrors to come.

Suuuuuree. It makes total sense to do something completely voluntary, permanent and life chang-upsetting that you have no desire to do in the off chance that it might reduce the mere chance that you might die of some illness. And totally selfless as well. "Honey, I had you to decrease the possibility of getting sick from something".

WHY

Seriously? She's listing these as reasons for creating new humans? Is there any way she could be more flippant, selfish or thoughtless?

You will:

Learn unexpected new skills such as how to administer a suppository. Hey! I DO know how to administer a suppository, I've had yeast infections. Finally understand the offside rule. Don't play that game, thusly I don't care. Plus, I'm pretty sure something like READING would help me learn and understand that rule. Discover that Homer wasn't just a Greek poet. Stupid much? Firstly, most people you ask will say "Simpson" before "greek poet" any day you ask about a Homer. Secondly, the Simpsons have been on TV for at least 15 fucking years, if you don't know there's a Homer Simpson, you SHOULD NOT be breeding. Never have to wrestle with the DVD player again. Again, if you are too stupid to operate a DVD player, you are TOO STUPID TO RAISE A HUMAN. WHY NOT Wow, she says these like they're BAD or something. You can: Head for the pub instead of dull parents' evenings. YAY! Sing along in the car with Pavarotti rather than with Postman Pat. Double fucking YAY!! 800% of children's music is unlistenable crap that makes everyone in the vicinity stupider. Eat at Mirabelle, not McDonald's. Gee, what? Jan thinks it's bad to not just shove crap in your hole to simply fill your stomach? Like it's bad to go eat a meal with knives and forks and napkins off of plates. I am so glad I do not know Jan's hell. Run for the hills when someone mentions nits. I know I'm missing out on picking parasites from a child's head like the rest of the primates, but my honest opinion is that I am glad that I will never have to do that. I've got enough of a problem with the cats and their fleas, thank you very little.

Idiot Bomb.

One of the forums (forua? foruii?) I participate in had an idea called an "Idiot Bomb". Basically, if you had a bomb that would only eliminate certian ass clowns, who would those ass clowns be?

Ass Clowns.
1. People of means who move to an area and then complain about it. I've read several distubing articles about people who move to a rural area, like a fake residental area in the middle of farm land, and then complan about the SMELL and the FLIES. And what's more, they want a law passed to take care of the smell. First, you're the one who chose to leave the big, bad, scary city (and trust me, my city is like living in a goddamned cream puff) and move onto what was, up until maybe 2 years ago FARM LAND. Second, those farmers your whining about ruining our outside play time 6 days a year are the ones who grow the food on YOUR table, and those farmers need to fertilize their crops. You should be fucking glad that you can smell the fertilizer, because that means they're using something NATURAL that might not KILL YOU. How fucking DUMB does one have to be to think that shit don't stink? Die. Now.

2. The 10% of the population who don't use their blinkers to make their drive "more exciting". I can't find the study, my husband heard about it on the radio, told me and the above was what I remembered. If you fall in this category please stop reading, douse the interior of your car in gasoline, get in, close the door and light a match because you are a worthelss fuck who deserves to die in just this manner. Unfortunately you will probably just cause such a crash and get off scott free. In fact, if you do anything like speed, tailgate, cut people off, don't read traffic signs or come to screeching stops in the middle of the street to make your drive "more exciting", feel free to follow my above suggesti-demand as well.

3. Whatever percentage of people who don't use their blinkers because they're "too lazy" can also get fucked. If you are too lazy to move ONE GODDAMNED FINGER less than 3 inches to the blinker lever, you should be caged, intubed and force fed like a pate goose until your liver explodes.

*4. People who bring children into bars, and then expect the bar to be a safe and wholesome space for children. I hope your children all grow up to be alcholic clowns who beat your elderly ass with their big shoes while they care for you. It's A BAR, most of the people there had to show identification to get in which makes it an ADULT SPACE where people do ADULT THINGS. Do I go to Chuck-E-Cheeze, drink a bladder exploding amount of beer and expect everyone to laugh uproariously while I teach the children what "whiff test" means? No, I do not, because I know that is not wanted there. Likewise, I do not want to you and your family showing up to my bar expecting me, and the rest of the grown ups, to behave as though we are day care teachers. Trust me when I say the only day care teachers in bars are the ones trying to clear their minds of the horrors you and your children inflict on them...for minimum wage no less!

5. Evangelical end-times christians. If you are actively working to acheive whatever wacko goals you fictional book sets up for the end of the world...trust me, you are not needed here. I may have been raised an athiest, but I know for damn certian that the Jesus you claim to "worship" isn't down with that shit. Beyond that, how could you even be considered human? Humans want to live, humans want others to live, humans like living. You? Not human, I'd say scum, but I wouldn't want to insult it. Hang yourself now and quit wasting the rest of our oxygen. Plus, why the fuck would you want to piss off Skydaddy by fucking up what you say he made for you?

6. Religious types with persecution complexes. GET OFF THE CROSS, SOMONE ELSE NEEDS THE WOOD. What more do you want???? A law to get everyone who isn't you to tongue wash your dumper? Guess what - YOU ALREADY HAVE EVERY FUCK THING. You control all sectors of the government, all electorial candidates, what happens in most schools, hosptials, colleges, libraries, clinics and your religious busines- I mean churches are TAX FREE meaning they don't have to provide ONE IOTA of support to the communities they occupy. Jebus crisp, maybe try to get the shit you already control working right and then I'll let you stick your nose up my ass while I'm in my bedroom.

7. Mothers who bring their children EVERYWHERE because they can't trust the father to care for them for a couple hours, or some such nonesense. If you truly believe the best achievement a person can have is a child, if it is indeed the greatest thing you've ever accomplished or that it's The Most Important Job In The World, why did you do it with a man you don't trust? I mean, are you stupid, evil or some combination of both? Children are essentially helpless until, well, I don't know, but I know they're helpless for a while, and for a longer while they're much smaller than adults. Why would you make something like that with a person who you can't even trust enough to look after it for 2 hours while it naps? Why do you have to instead take that child (or those children) to the grocery store, during nap time, at the height of crankyness and irritation? Here's a hint: if you make kids with a responsible adult, that person is capable of watching them without putting them in the microwave, or leaving them on the curb with the recycling.

8. And speaking of recycling, I hate people who complain about other people trying to live "greener". There's a local talk radio host who revels in his disgust at people using their own bags, driving hybred cars, recycling or doing anything out of the usual to be a little more conscious of their consumption. He, of course, has dozens of callers who agree. Seriously, why the hell do you care if I use canvas bags for my shopping? I don't do it because I want to feel better than others (I'm a Subgenius, I KNOW I'm better). I, and most other people, do it because it's actually more convenient. When I use canvas bags, I can usually carry my entire shopping trip in one load, which is AWESOME. I'm sorry if you don't understand the concept "don't shit where you eat" (which is pretty much what we're all doing with cars, plastics and all that), but if you'd like I'll come over to your house and illustrate why we don't do that.

Okay, my cup of irritation at humaity is bottomless, so I'll just end now. And start anew later.



*Listen, I'm all for kids in bars. I live in an area of the country where it's pretty much part of the culture. It's a valuable way for children to learn the fun, and dangers, of drinking. That said, my parents never ever expected the patrons to act any differently in my presence. I'm a better person for that.