Some more nuggets of joy for to keep my brain from 'sploding.
9. Coirkers who seem to always succumb to "illness" on days they're assigned to cover, whenever the boss isn't here, or even more annoyingly on days when they've agreed to cover for another. Simply put, I fail to see how you can manage to be legitimately ill 80% of your shifts. I'm all for mental health days, and slack, but can't you think of the people you're fucking once? Or give us a kiss, at least I like that when I'm being fucked. Why not, suck it up, go in and do the distasteful job you were hired to do, and be "sick" on a day when you don't have much of anything to do? It will decrease the amount of stink eye you get on the rare days you do come in.
9. Coirkers who seem to always succumb to "illness" on days they're assigned to cover, whenever the boss isn't here, or even more annoyingly on days when they've agreed to cover for another. Simply put, I fail to see how you can manage to be legitimately ill 80% of your shifts. I'm all for mental health days, and slack, but can't you think of the people you're fucking once? Or give us a kiss, at least I like that when I'm being fucked. Why not, suck it up, go in and do the distasteful job you were hired to do, and be "sick" on a day when you don't have much of anything to do? It will decrease the amount of stink eye you get on the rare days you do come in.
10. Parents who complain about how hard it is to be a parent.
Here's how I found out parenting was hard, and that I didn't want to do it. I have aunts, uncles and as a result cousins. I have parents of my own, and grandparents as well. I've actually worked in child care. I've known children and been a child myself. Essentially, I used my observational skills and then used logic and reason to think, "Based on what I've observed, is this something easy to do?" The answer I brilliantly came up with was "No". In fact, I thought "That sucks balls, I'm glad I'm not doing it all the time". Seriously, by now everyone should know that parenting is a difficult, expensive, time consuming job. It's not a big secret. If you think having children is going to be all butterfly kisses, baby powder and Kodak moments, you are a deluded mental case who SHOULD NOT have children. You should, in fact, be sterilized until you've proven that you know what kind of unending crapass job raising children is. Don't fucking complain to me about a situation you willingly put yourself in.
Here's how I found out parenting was hard, and that I didn't want to do it. I have aunts, uncles and as a result cousins. I have parents of my own, and grandparents as well. I've actually worked in child care. I've known children and been a child myself. Essentially, I used my observational skills and then used logic and reason to think, "Based on what I've observed, is this something easy to do?" The answer I brilliantly came up with was "No". In fact, I thought "That sucks balls, I'm glad I'm not doing it all the time". Seriously, by now everyone should know that parenting is a difficult, expensive, time consuming job. It's not a big secret. If you think having children is going to be all butterfly kisses, baby powder and Kodak moments, you are a deluded mental case who SHOULD NOT have children. You should, in fact, be sterilized until you've proven that you know what kind of unending crapass job raising children is. Don't fucking complain to me about a situation you willingly put yourself in.
11. Men who tell me I'm beautiful.
I'm know I'm not and I highly doubt you think so. What I do know is that I'm a lumpy, poorly dressed, unruly haired, smeary glasses mess. And telling me I'm beautiful is definitely NOT the butter that's going to get my buns. Really? Beauty? That's considered a compliment? Smeh. Kind of worthless in my book, and almost an insult. In my experience, beautiful people are vapid. Beautiful people care most about appearance. Beauty is very temporary. Why not wait 4 minutes and give an actual compliment? I'm quite funny, have a decent smile, am relatively smart, helpful and can talk to just about any one. That said, just because I gave you the time of day doesn't mean I'm looking to start a relationship, and certainly not with a man who seems to cast a Very Wide Net. Go away now, I'm not wearing clean underwear anyway.
I'm know I'm not and I highly doubt you think so. What I do know is that I'm a lumpy, poorly dressed, unruly haired, smeary glasses mess. And telling me I'm beautiful is definitely NOT the butter that's going to get my buns. Really? Beauty? That's considered a compliment? Smeh. Kind of worthless in my book, and almost an insult. In my experience, beautiful people are vapid. Beautiful people care most about appearance. Beauty is very temporary. Why not wait 4 minutes and give an actual compliment? I'm quite funny, have a decent smile, am relatively smart, helpful and can talk to just about any one. That said, just because I gave you the time of day doesn't mean I'm looking to start a relationship, and certainly not with a man who seems to cast a Very Wide Net. Go away now, I'm not wearing clean underwear anyway.
12. Mechanic-I mean Car Fuckers.
I've NEVER had a mechanic who didn't eventually try to fuck me. I've driven college funds for mechanic's children most of my life so I know just enough about cars to know what's broken, but not enough to how to fix it. I've had the same parts replaced, and rereplaced. I've had diagnostic checks that cleared my bank account, but no diagnosis. I've had shitty repair jobs that only caused more problems. I've had repair jobs that could have resulted in my, or another's death. I've had repair jobs where I wasn't told about another broken part in the same vicinity with the hopes that I'd come back with even more resultant repairs. I know enough about cars now to know when I'm being fucked by a mechanic, unfortunately they're wily and always manage to find something new wrong. If you want to be a mechanic so you can buy a new boat, 8th mansion or solid gold enema kit, kindly rip out your own jugular with a monkey wrench. ( if you are a decent mechanic who actually takes pride in fixing things so they work better than they did when you got them, and isn't planning on turning evil in the next 40 years please contact me.)
I've NEVER had a mechanic who didn't eventually try to fuck me. I've driven college funds for mechanic's children most of my life so I know just enough about cars to know what's broken, but not enough to how to fix it. I've had the same parts replaced, and rereplaced. I've had diagnostic checks that cleared my bank account, but no diagnosis. I've had shitty repair jobs that only caused more problems. I've had repair jobs that could have resulted in my, or another's death. I've had repair jobs where I wasn't told about another broken part in the same vicinity with the hopes that I'd come back with even more resultant repairs. I know enough about cars now to know when I'm being fucked by a mechanic, unfortunately they're wily and always manage to find something new wrong. If you want to be a mechanic so you can buy a new boat, 8th mansion or solid gold enema kit, kindly rip out your own jugular with a monkey wrench. ( if you are a decent mechanic who actually takes pride in fixing things so they work better than they did when you got them, and isn't planning on turning evil in the next 40 years please contact me.)
13. Republicans
Is there some reason why they're the most frightened people on earth? I mean, these folks are afraid of EVERY FUCK THING. "Yikes! Gays exist!!", "OMG!! I think those people in that house on the next block are smoking pot and minding their own business!", "The horror!!! A woman wanting to work and control her reproduction!!", "I'm afraid a black man will look at me!", "Run!! Mexicans are being recruited and hired illegally by my giant corporation to make me more profits!", "But if everyone had health care we'd be socialist like those scary, gray jumpsuit wearing Canadians", "I'm afraid of people who aren't like me, I need to live somewhere with a big fence around it.", "Atheists don't believe in HELL! How will I keep one from pulling out and showing me my still beating heart?!" Seriously, people this terrified should not own guns...it's dangerous.
14. Single Bike Critical Mass
I understand riding a bike, it's fun. I understand why our city invested millions of dollars on bike paths, bike lanes, and "bike friendly" corridors, for safety and because the bikers wanted it. Hell, we've got bike paths with street bike lanes next to them! What I do not understand is why one would chose to make a fun, relaxing bike ride into a stressful, dangerous "single bike critical mass" by riding their bike down a congested road in the middle of rush hour when a block in one direction is a dedicated bike path with NO cars, and a block in the other direction is a bike corridor consisting of a wide, rarely traveled residential street.
15. Lance Armstrong Impersonators
That said, how much energy is saved and/or how much faster do you actually go when you're decked out in your "super hero" Lance Armstrong gear to ride your bike to/from work? Do you know how much you look like a douche? I know that you don't want to wear sweaty office clothes all day, but what ever happened to just wearing some sweat pants and a teeshirt you already had lying around? For some unknowable reason, they've got to wear a special little spandex outfit that they paid extra for because its special and lets everyone know how special they are. I understand if you're training for, or actually riding in, a bike race and need to reduce drag, or are riding your bike for dozens of miles a day and wearing the padded pants because your crotch goes all numb...and that's fine. But seriously, there are thousands of people tooling around my town all the time in this shit, and there is no way on earth that they're all in training for the Tour d'France. I'm starting to believe they're just folks who like to show the world that they have ALL the special things for riding their bikes because THEY take their HOBBY much more seriously than the rest of us mouth breathers. Why don't you just cash out your money, take it to a homeless shelter, make a pile and burn it?
14. Single Bike Critical Mass
I understand riding a bike, it's fun. I understand why our city invested millions of dollars on bike paths, bike lanes, and "bike friendly" corridors, for safety and because the bikers wanted it. Hell, we've got bike paths with street bike lanes next to them! What I do not understand is why one would chose to make a fun, relaxing bike ride into a stressful, dangerous "single bike critical mass" by riding their bike down a congested road in the middle of rush hour when a block in one direction is a dedicated bike path with NO cars, and a block in the other direction is a bike corridor consisting of a wide, rarely traveled residential street.
15. Lance Armstrong Impersonators
That said, how much energy is saved and/or how much faster do you actually go when you're decked out in your "super hero" Lance Armstrong gear to ride your bike to/from work? Do you know how much you look like a douche? I know that you don't want to wear sweaty office clothes all day, but what ever happened to just wearing some sweat pants and a teeshirt you already had lying around? For some unknowable reason, they've got to wear a special little spandex outfit that they paid extra for because its special and lets everyone know how special they are. I understand if you're training for, or actually riding in, a bike race and need to reduce drag, or are riding your bike for dozens of miles a day and wearing the padded pants because your crotch goes all numb...and that's fine. But seriously, there are thousands of people tooling around my town all the time in this shit, and there is no way on earth that they're all in training for the Tour d'France. I'm starting to believe they're just folks who like to show the world that they have ALL the special things for riding their bikes because THEY take their HOBBY much more seriously than the rest of us mouth breathers. Why don't you just cash out your money, take it to a homeless shelter, make a pile and burn it?
If you don't want to read me rip into parents whose children have died, you might want to go away now... consider yourself warned.
16. Parents who leave their children to die sealed in cars and then get off scott free because they've "been through enough already".
I have a REAL difficult time believing this as it makes NO logical sense to me. From all I've been told, having children is the penultimate human achievement, it's life changing, you will know love and/or happiness for the first time, you will do anything and everything for them and even if you never wanted them in the first place it will all change when they arrive because it's always different when it's your own. And yet.....AND YET one can some how become so busy they simply FORGOT that they put this wonderful, magical, most important thing in their life in the car? Seriously? FORFUCKINGGOT?!
I. Don't. Buy. It. My aunt and uncle raised TRIPLETS as well as a daughter, which IS an all consuming job, and managed to never leave a single one in the car. In fact, I've never known any sane parent who could simply "Whooops? Where's my baby who I propose to love more than anything in the world? I don't remember!" I go to rock shows and I like being in an altered state. In fact, I've been so altered that I don't remember the ends of shows and yet...AND YET, I've NEVER just left someone passed out at a show to be molested. Simply put, if a drunk like me can go to a show with 10 similar drunks, and we can all manage to leave together...and don't forget, WE'RE DRUNK...and I might add, none of us pushed any other of us out their vagina for X-number of hours...I fail to see how a sober parent who truly is doing the most important job in the world can forget they have put THEIR OWN child in a car, ever.
I have a REAL difficult time believing this as it makes NO logical sense to me. From all I've been told, having children is the penultimate human achievement, it's life changing, you will know love and/or happiness for the first time, you will do anything and everything for them and even if you never wanted them in the first place it will all change when they arrive because it's always different when it's your own. And yet.....AND YET one can some how become so busy they simply FORGOT that they put this wonderful, magical, most important thing in their life in the car? Seriously? FORFUCKINGGOT?!
I. Don't. Buy. It. My aunt and uncle raised TRIPLETS as well as a daughter, which IS an all consuming job, and managed to never leave a single one in the car. In fact, I've never known any sane parent who could simply "Whooops? Where's my baby who I propose to love more than anything in the world? I don't remember!" I go to rock shows and I like being in an altered state. In fact, I've been so altered that I don't remember the ends of shows and yet...AND YET, I've NEVER just left someone passed out at a show to be molested. Simply put, if a drunk like me can go to a show with 10 similar drunks, and we can all manage to leave together...and don't forget, WE'RE DRUNK...and I might add, none of us pushed any other of us out their vagina for X-number of hours...I fail to see how a sober parent who truly is doing the most important job in the world can forget they have put THEIR OWN child in a car, ever.
3 comments:
new to your blog. gotta say i like it. good writing here! will visit again. nice to reads blogs where people actually have thoughts of their own.
pop on over if u like, check mine out.
chow.
-Faith
I have been reading and I have linked you, because I have also been in the floor in a fetal position, laughing my ass off.
Oh, no wait, I was on the floor in the fetal position for a different reason. But I was laughing also. Yeah.
I know this is a pretty old post, but I just wanna say- regarding parents who leave kids in cars... they're either way too stupid to be having kids, or they did it on purpose, and claimed "oops". Sure there may be a few people who were just sooooo busy they just forgot, but shit dude, really? I've never even left one of my pets in the car. I guess I love my pets more than those idiots love their kids.
Great blog. You seem to have not posted lately, I hope you post again you're very entertaining.
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