But...I don't wanna be a part of the child's life

It's hot, I've been reading childfree blogs, it's humid, and I'm whiny...did I mention it's both hot AND humid? It is, and I hate it.

I mention I've been reading childfree blogs, because they've gotten me thinking about an invitation I received a child's birthday party. The invite, of course, includes the usual information about location, time and assures people that there will be snacks and beverages for children AND adults. Fine, I am down with that. The people hosting the party are both great cooks and generous hosts. I like them alot, they are cool people and actually work to be good parents. What puts me off is that the parents (in a hope of getting me to go?I haven't been to any of the other parties for this kid) added in the note with the invite, "We'd really like you to come because you are a part of so-and-so's life". Whaaaaa? I see this kid, like maybe 3 times a year, and we live in the same town! When I have seen him, it always starts out with screaming because I am essentially a stranger, then I try to make myself scarce to avoid prevoking any more horrible shrieking while the child observes me from a safe spot behind a parental unit and maybe in the last 10 minutes before one of us has to leave we'll play some peek-a-boo. I certianly do not consider myself a part of his life, and if he were more sentient, I doubt he'd count me as part of his life either. He is the kid I experienced vacation with last year, and you can find and read that post to how I felt about that particular experience. (I no longer have to worry about birth control as it caused my ovaries to climb right out my cooter and throw themselves into the fire) I may have babysat for them once, the kid was asleep in his room with the door closed and stayed that way until his parents came home, so for all I know I was just sitting in my friend's home, eating their food and using their electricity.

I am sure their stated desire to have me at the party because I am perceived to be a part of this kid's life is probably just an oddly worded attempt to try to make me feel welcome in a group of people who I have little in common with (they're actually my boyfriend's friends more than mine). It just puts me off because I don't want to be part of any child's life more than a casual, funny and occasionally drunk aquaintance, and it shows that either they don't know (or care?) how strongly I feel about that, or that they think I will one day have a child and be more "in the group" so to speak. I can sit in a house with a sleeping child and make sure that if were to start on fire the kid would get out, or if it were to wake up I can let it know that it's parents will be home soon. Beyond that, I want no more because I am a lush. Kids like drunks, however drunks do not do a good job of raising kids. I like being around kids when I'm drunk, because that is when I am at my most stupid and patient. I am pretty much at their level. However, if momma needs her medicine to be momma, maybe momma shouldn't become a momma in the first place, you dig?

Of course, I still don't want to go. I do not like groups of children of any age. This party is guaren-fucking-teed to have at least 5 toddlers, a couple infants and maybe a few surly 4-10 year olds, complete with screaming, tantrums, shrieking, mineMineMINE and maybe jumping on drunk ol' Feh and spilling her drink. I was an only child with a few very close friends, and school for me was a nightmarish "Lord of the Flies" hell of social engineering, cliquedom and fake cool that just cemented the idea that grouping children together is a bad thing. Basically since I got out of school, I've managed to only be in the position to be with a group of children once, and that was at Chuck E Cheeze, and it made me want saw at my jugular with a plastic knife for as many hours as it would take to end my life. And there will be parents there, and they will talk about...parenting, and children, and raising their children, and how wonderful/difficult it is, and the children, and being parents, and child rearing, and..........sorry, I nodded off for a moment. If I'm lucky, I will also get asked when I am having a child, because I should have one, becuase I'm getting married in almost a year (I hate the word fiancee, so he will be my boyfriend until he is my husband) and that's what happens when heterosexual people marry. Then I have to say that I will never have children and endure the "pity look" for being sterile (which I am not) or the "you'll change your mind" b.s. that gets fed to everyone who makes public their decision not to procreate. If I'm smart,however, I will get obviously (though not inappropriately) tipsy, and people will keep their damn mouths shut about my reproductive status because no one wants to put the idea of raising a child in the mind of a drunk. Oh, alcohol, is there anything you CAN'T do?

But, I will put on my funny face, party dress and go, because I do like the hosts and would never miss out on a chance to eat their amazing appetizers. I'll have a few girl drinks, let the kids jump on me, tell them about eye balls, boogers and farts, and show them how the best mud pies are made (hint: it involves getting our party clothes dirty!) and have their parents hate me because I am fun and never have to say NO. Then the dirty, sugar addled kids go back to their parents, and my dear betrothed will drive us home where we can take our pants off and relax in wonderful, glorious silence.