Idiot bomb 2, Electric Boogaloo

Some more nuggets of joy for to keep my brain from 'sploding.

9. Coirkers who seem to always succumb to "illness" on days they're assigned to cover, whenever the boss isn't here, or even more annoyingly on days when they've agreed to cover for another. Simply put, I fail to see how you can manage to be legitimately ill 80% of your shifts. I'm all for mental health days, and slack, but can't you think of the people you're fucking once? Or give us a kiss, at least I like that when I'm being fucked. Why not, suck it up, go in and do the distasteful job you were hired to do, and be "sick" on a day when you don't have much of anything to do? It will decrease the amount of stink eye you get on the rare days you do come in.

10. Parents who complain about how hard it is to be a parent.
Here's how I found out parenting was hard, and that I didn't want to do it. I have aunts, uncles and as a result cousins. I have parents of my own, and grandparents as well. I've actually worked in child care. I've known children and been a child myself. Essentially, I used my observational skills and then used logic and reason to think, "Based on what I've observed, is this something easy to do?" The answer I brilliantly came up with was "No". In fact, I thought "That sucks balls, I'm glad I'm not doing it all the time". Seriously, by now everyone should know that parenting is a difficult, expensive, time consuming job. It's not a big secret. If you think having children is going to be all butterfly kisses, baby powder and Kodak moments, you are a deluded mental case who SHOULD NOT have children. You should, in fact, be sterilized until you've proven that you know what kind of unending crapass job raising children is. Don't fucking complain to me about a situation you willingly put yourself in.

11. Men who tell me I'm beautiful.
I'm know I'm not and I highly doubt you think so. What I do know is that I'm a lumpy, poorly dressed, unruly haired, smeary glasses mess. And telling me I'm beautiful is definitely NOT the butter that's going to get my buns. Really? Beauty? That's considered a compliment? Smeh. Kind of worthless in my book, and almost an insult. In my experience, beautiful people are vapid. Beautiful people care most about appearance. Beauty is very temporary. Why not wait 4 minutes and give an actual compliment? I'm quite funny, have a decent smile, am relatively smart, helpful and can talk to just about any one. That said, just because I gave you the time of day doesn't mean I'm looking to start a relationship, and certainly not with a man who seems to cast a Very Wide Net. Go away now, I'm not wearing clean underwear anyway.

12. Mechanic-I mean Car Fuckers.
I've NEVER had a mechanic who didn't eventually try to fuck me. I've driven college funds for mechanic's children most of my life so I know just enough about cars to know what's broken, but not enough to how to fix it. I've had the same parts replaced, and rereplaced. I've had diagnostic checks that cleared my bank account, but no diagnosis. I've had shitty repair jobs that only caused more problems. I've had repair jobs that could have resulted in my, or another's death. I've had repair jobs where I wasn't told about another broken part in the same vicinity with the hopes that I'd come back with even more resultant repairs. I know enough about cars now to know when I'm being fucked by a mechanic, unfortunately they're wily and always manage to find something new wrong. If you want to be a mechanic so you can buy a new boat, 8th mansion or solid gold enema kit, kindly rip out your own jugular with a monkey wrench. ( if you are a decent mechanic who actually takes pride in fixing things so they work better than they did when you got them, and isn't planning on turning evil in the next 40 years please contact me.)

13. Republicans

Is there some reason why they're the most frightened people on earth? I mean, these folks are afraid of EVERY FUCK THING. "Yikes! Gays exist!!", "OMG!! I think those people in that house on the next block are smoking pot and minding their own business!", "The horror!!! A woman wanting to work and control her reproduction!!", "I'm afraid a black man will look at me!", "Run!! Mexicans are being recruited and hired illegally by my giant corporation to make me more profits!", "But if everyone had health care we'd be socialist like those scary, gray jumpsuit wearing Canadians", "I'm afraid of people who aren't like me, I need to live somewhere with a big fence around it.", "Atheists don't believe in HELL! How will I keep one from pulling out and showing me my still beating heart?!" Seriously, people this terrified should not own guns...it's dangerous.

14. Single Bike Critical Mass
I understand riding a bike, it's fun. I understand why our city invested millions of dollars on bike paths, bike lanes, and "bike friendly" corridors, for safety and because the bikers wanted it. Hell, we've got bike paths with street bike lanes next to them! What I do not understand is why one would chose to make a fun, relaxing bike ride into a stressful, dangerous "single bike critical mass" by riding their bike down a congested road in the middle of rush hour when a block in one direction is a dedicated bike path with NO cars, and a block in the other direction is a bike corridor consisting of a wide, rarely traveled residential street.

15. Lance Armstrong Impersonators
That said, how much energy is saved and/or how much faster do you actually go when you're decked out in your "super hero" Lance Armstrong gear to ride your bike to/from work? Do you know how much you look like a douche? I know that you don't want to wear sweaty office clothes all day, but what ever happened to just wearing some sweat pants and a teeshirt you already had lying around? For some unknowable reason, they've got to wear a special little spandex outfit that they paid extra for because its special and lets everyone know how special they are. I understand if you're training for, or actually riding in, a bike race and need to reduce drag, or are riding your bike for dozens of miles a day and wearing the padded pants because your crotch goes all numb...and that's fine. But seriously, there are thousands of people tooling around my town all the time in this shit, and there is no way on earth that they're all in training for the Tour d'France. I'm starting to believe they're just folks who like to show the world that they have ALL the special things for riding their bikes because THEY take their HOBBY much more seriously than the rest of us mouth breathers. Why don't you just cash out your money, take it to a homeless shelter, make a pile and burn it?

If you don't want to read me rip into parents whose children have died, you might want to go away now... consider yourself warned.

16. Parents who leave their children to die sealed in cars and then get off scott free because they've "been through enough already".
I have a REAL difficult time believing this as it makes NO logical sense to me. From all I've been told, having children is the penultimate human achievement, it's life changing, you will know love and/or happiness for the first time, you will do anything and everything for them and even if you never wanted them in the first place it will all change when they arrive because it's always different when it's your own. And yet.....AND YET one can some how become so busy they simply FORGOT that they put this wonderful, magical, most important thing in their life in the car? Seriously? FORFUCKINGGOT?!
I. Don't. Buy. It. My aunt and uncle raised TRIPLETS as well as a daughter, which IS an all consuming job, and managed to never leave a single one in the car. In fact, I've never known any sane parent who could simply "Whooops? Where's my baby who I propose to love more than anything in the world? I don't remember!" I go to rock shows and I like being in an altered state. In fact, I've been so altered that I don't remember the ends of shows and yet...AND YET, I've NEVER just left someone passed out at a show to be molested. Simply put, if a drunk like me can go to a show with 10 similar drunks, and we can all manage to leave together...and don't forget, WE'RE DRUNK...and I might add, none of us pushed any other of us out their vagina for X-number of hours...I fail to see how a sober parent who truly is doing the most important job in the world can forget they have put THEIR OWN child in a car, ever.

Stupidist. Article. Ever.

Children? Who needs them?
More properly entitled, "Bitter? I Hardly Knew 'Er".

Jan Barden on the couples who are happy to live without offspring

Wow, Jan, thanks for enlightening us. I did not know couples COULD be happy to live without offspring.

Cuddle a baby, scented and sleepy fresh from the bath, and you feel you could die of joy. BINGO! Lessee, that's what? Like 5-10 minutes out of a day?But catch a fractious toddler kicking the corner tin out of a stack of baked beans in the supermarket and you could kill from rage. And that's the other 23.80 hours of the day, and you're wondering why folks aren't clamoring for a slab of that? That's parenting: a seesaw of emotions that can have you acting like Mother Teresa one moment, Pol Pot the next. And, like a runaway train, once you step aboard this ride, there's no getting off. Ever.

Imagine that, not EVERYONE wants their lives turned completely upside down to make society, or Jan Barden, happy.

	Child-free and easy: Karen Sparey and Redmond Prendeville 'I have never felt I am missing out,' she says - and certainly not on tears and tantrums

Yet some of us go along with it again and again. Biology is to blame. Once we are caught in the blinding headlights of hormones, we rarely stop to think if children will change our lives for the better. BINGO! We simply want a baby. And what our generation wants, it just has to have.

Yet some of us just don't have the ability to say "no" to our biology. Must. Have. Baby. Now. Damn the consequences! Don't forget to pity me because I have no control and have no ability to think ahead.

But the downy babies grow into bum-fluffed teenagers and fill our homes with cheesy socks and atmospheres as tense as a dentist's waiting-room. Our finances dwindle and then vanish as we face up to the chilly reality of school and university fees.

You are correct!! And yet, you seem cheesed that everyone hasn't just put on the ol' blinders and jumped in like you.

We try hard not to resent our childless friends, who, in comparison with us, breeze through their lives flashing more cash, getting more sleep and having more fun and freedom. "Marrakesh next weekend?" they murmur to each other. "Why not?"

And again, Bed. Made. Lie. So you've chosen to remain friends with people you obviously resent? Why should I care? Oh, and thanks for painting the childfree with the broad brush of wealthy irresponsibility. Listen, bitch, I work hard for the meager pittance I receive. I won't be going to Marrakesh next weekend because I can not pay for it. In fact, there are LOTS of things I can't pay for...a house, a new car, a dog, dental care, a new computer AND, gasp, even a baby. Of course, I don't want a baby, but I couldn't pay for one anyway.

They must be so happy. Or are they? BINGO! Could they just be filling their empty days with conspicuous consumerism to mask an aching loneliness and fear of a solitary old age? BINGO!

Wow, could I have some crackers with that tripe? Who will take care of me when I get old? I'm terrified! You must be so lonely without children hanging off you 24-7. What on earth do you do with ALL that free time you have, cry in your soup?

Apparently not. Those who have chosen not to become parents are, on the whole, pretty pleased with their decision. At the extreme end of the scale, some are smug and others are aggressively evangelical. Many prefer the term child-free to childless, which implies, to them, some sort of loss. It's quite the opposite, they insist in large numbers in internet chat rooms.

How DARE you be happy to not have children!! How DARE you try to connect with like-minded people!!! Mothers NEVER do this...NEVER! and then she adds the "You doth protest too much" b.s. "It must be the opposite if you say you're happy without children...no one could possibly be happy without having complete and total responsibility to raise other beings."

There's certainly a lot of them around: projections by the Office for National Statistics suggest that, of women born in 1973, 23 per cent - nearly a quarter - will not have had children by the time they hit 45.

And the point is? No really, what's the point? I'm surprised she didn't go on about the evils of feminism, birth control and working.

These are not the sad old "aunties" of yesteryear. Take 43-year-old Karen Sparey, an account administrator for a recruitment company. Child-free and fresh from an off-peak holiday in Cyprus, she says: "I feel I have a nice life. I have never felt I was missing out. Happy with your life? You selfish bitch!

"I don't think that it was ever a conscious decision to not have children until after I was 30. I have about five girlfriends who don't have children and none of them is bothered about it. It did start out as joke that we would wait until after the millennium as we thought it was going to be such a big party and we would never get a sitter. BINGO! Yes, most people decide to not have children simply because they're irresponsible party animals.

"There has never been any pressure from my family. My mum's cool and never asked about grandchildren. Anyway, my sister Helen has two boys.

"Despite working full-time I spend lots of time doing things I like. I swim at least two mornings a week and play netball, which if I had children I could maybe still do, but not be able to sit in the pub afterwards - guilt-free."

BITCH!! WHORE!!! HARLOT!!!! What a piece of work! She dared to not just have children the moment she was physically able, and in fact just let it slide like crap out of a goose? Her horrible parent's aren't DEMANDING grandbabies from her? And to top it all off, she's not a sad, lint-knitting, cat collecting, lonely spinster!! MONSTER!!

Sparey, who lives in Beckenham, Kent, says her partner, Redmond Prendeville, is equally happy with her choice and she faces the future without fear. "I can't say whether or not I will regret not having had children or grandchildren when I am older. There's nothing to say that those children you cared for and looked after are going to be there to do the same for you. And if they are, will they do it out of genuine love or just because that's what's expected?"

AND she's not filled with abject TERROR at the future? I mean, who will put her in an old folks home and force her to spend the last years of her life waiting hopefully for the obligatory yearly visit if not her children? WHO?!

Many child-free women are resentful that the workplace often seems skewed in favour of mothers, who may appear to work "kinder" hours or get extra time off. But Sparey has a more generous attitude: "I am sure they're not going home to put their feet up, unlike me. When I have a day off work, it means time to do nice things, not catch up on the ironing or take a little one to the doctor for an ailment.

"That's not to say I don't go 'Ahh' at the Johnson's Baby advertisements, but I do that over kittens and puppies, too. I just like my life and am not sure that a child would improve it - but I know it would change it."

How DARE you not want your life changed! How DARE you like your life!!!

It's a seductive argument and recent surveys in the US and Europe have indicated that childless married couples are "happier" than those with families. Yeah, put that "happy" in quotes Jan, after all no one can know true "happiness" until they have children, right? But research can work both ways. A new study at Texas Children's Hospital in Houston has shown that a baby's smile gives its mother a natural high, triggering parts of the brain that deal with sensations of reward and pleasure - the "feelgood" parts that also respond to drugs and drink. BINGO!At least a baby is legal.

Mmmm, my bingo card is filling up quite nicely. I'm sure that Texas study has NOTHING whatsoever to do with natural endorphins any humans body releases after something completely and horrifyingly painful. I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with the fact that some of these women might actually have wanted a child. Yesssss...I'm sure it just magically becomes all different when it's your own, even if you never wanted it, after all no parents ever abuse their children.

And it brings with it hidden advantages. Breastfeeding, for instance, reduces a woman's chances of rheumatoid arthritis as well as breast and ovarian cancer. It also helps to maintain bone density. BINGO!

And that's the PERFECT reason to have a child, to keep YOU safe and healthy. She doesn't mention that women who have children have greater amounts of tooth loss, or higher rates of obesity, stress or poverty. Two things to know... 1. breast feeding only reduces CHANCES and 2. there is NO escape from death.

That may offset to some extent the broken nights, toddler tantrums and teenage terrors to come.

Suuuuuree. It makes total sense to do something completely voluntary, permanent and life chang-upsetting that you have no desire to do in the off chance that it might reduce the mere chance that you might die of some illness. And totally selfless as well. "Honey, I had you to decrease the possibility of getting sick from something".

WHY

Seriously? She's listing these as reasons for creating new humans? Is there any way she could be more flippant, selfish or thoughtless?

You will:

Learn unexpected new skills such as how to administer a suppository. Hey! I DO know how to administer a suppository, I've had yeast infections. Finally understand the offside rule. Don't play that game, thusly I don't care. Plus, I'm pretty sure something like READING would help me learn and understand that rule. Discover that Homer wasn't just a Greek poet. Stupid much? Firstly, most people you ask will say "Simpson" before "greek poet" any day you ask about a Homer. Secondly, the Simpsons have been on TV for at least 15 fucking years, if you don't know there's a Homer Simpson, you SHOULD NOT be breeding. Never have to wrestle with the DVD player again. Again, if you are too stupid to operate a DVD player, you are TOO STUPID TO RAISE A HUMAN. WHY NOT Wow, she says these like they're BAD or something. You can: Head for the pub instead of dull parents' evenings. YAY! Sing along in the car with Pavarotti rather than with Postman Pat. Double fucking YAY!! 800% of children's music is unlistenable crap that makes everyone in the vicinity stupider. Eat at Mirabelle, not McDonald's. Gee, what? Jan thinks it's bad to not just shove crap in your hole to simply fill your stomach? Like it's bad to go eat a meal with knives and forks and napkins off of plates. I am so glad I do not know Jan's hell. Run for the hills when someone mentions nits. I know I'm missing out on picking parasites from a child's head like the rest of the primates, but my honest opinion is that I am glad that I will never have to do that. I've got enough of a problem with the cats and their fleas, thank you very little.

Idiot Bomb.

One of the forums (forua? foruii?) I participate in had an idea called an "Idiot Bomb". Basically, if you had a bomb that would only eliminate certian ass clowns, who would those ass clowns be?

Ass Clowns.
1. People of means who move to an area and then complain about it. I've read several distubing articles about people who move to a rural area, like a fake residental area in the middle of farm land, and then complan about the SMELL and the FLIES. And what's more, they want a law passed to take care of the smell. First, you're the one who chose to leave the big, bad, scary city (and trust me, my city is like living in a goddamned cream puff) and move onto what was, up until maybe 2 years ago FARM LAND. Second, those farmers your whining about ruining our outside play time 6 days a year are the ones who grow the food on YOUR table, and those farmers need to fertilize their crops. You should be fucking glad that you can smell the fertilizer, because that means they're using something NATURAL that might not KILL YOU. How fucking DUMB does one have to be to think that shit don't stink? Die. Now.

2. The 10% of the population who don't use their blinkers to make their drive "more exciting". I can't find the study, my husband heard about it on the radio, told me and the above was what I remembered. If you fall in this category please stop reading, douse the interior of your car in gasoline, get in, close the door and light a match because you are a worthelss fuck who deserves to die in just this manner. Unfortunately you will probably just cause such a crash and get off scott free. In fact, if you do anything like speed, tailgate, cut people off, don't read traffic signs or come to screeching stops in the middle of the street to make your drive "more exciting", feel free to follow my above suggesti-demand as well.

3. Whatever percentage of people who don't use their blinkers because they're "too lazy" can also get fucked. If you are too lazy to move ONE GODDAMNED FINGER less than 3 inches to the blinker lever, you should be caged, intubed and force fed like a pate goose until your liver explodes.

*4. People who bring children into bars, and then expect the bar to be a safe and wholesome space for children. I hope your children all grow up to be alcholic clowns who beat your elderly ass with their big shoes while they care for you. It's A BAR, most of the people there had to show identification to get in which makes it an ADULT SPACE where people do ADULT THINGS. Do I go to Chuck-E-Cheeze, drink a bladder exploding amount of beer and expect everyone to laugh uproariously while I teach the children what "whiff test" means? No, I do not, because I know that is not wanted there. Likewise, I do not want to you and your family showing up to my bar expecting me, and the rest of the grown ups, to behave as though we are day care teachers. Trust me when I say the only day care teachers in bars are the ones trying to clear their minds of the horrors you and your children inflict on them...for minimum wage no less!

5. Evangelical end-times christians. If you are actively working to acheive whatever wacko goals you fictional book sets up for the end of the world...trust me, you are not needed here. I may have been raised an athiest, but I know for damn certian that the Jesus you claim to "worship" isn't down with that shit. Beyond that, how could you even be considered human? Humans want to live, humans want others to live, humans like living. You? Not human, I'd say scum, but I wouldn't want to insult it. Hang yourself now and quit wasting the rest of our oxygen. Plus, why the fuck would you want to piss off Skydaddy by fucking up what you say he made for you?

6. Religious types with persecution complexes. GET OFF THE CROSS, SOMONE ELSE NEEDS THE WOOD. What more do you want???? A law to get everyone who isn't you to tongue wash your dumper? Guess what - YOU ALREADY HAVE EVERY FUCK THING. You control all sectors of the government, all electorial candidates, what happens in most schools, hosptials, colleges, libraries, clinics and your religious busines- I mean churches are TAX FREE meaning they don't have to provide ONE IOTA of support to the communities they occupy. Jebus crisp, maybe try to get the shit you already control working right and then I'll let you stick your nose up my ass while I'm in my bedroom.

7. Mothers who bring their children EVERYWHERE because they can't trust the father to care for them for a couple hours, or some such nonesense. If you truly believe the best achievement a person can have is a child, if it is indeed the greatest thing you've ever accomplished or that it's The Most Important Job In The World, why did you do it with a man you don't trust? I mean, are you stupid, evil or some combination of both? Children are essentially helpless until, well, I don't know, but I know they're helpless for a while, and for a longer while they're much smaller than adults. Why would you make something like that with a person who you can't even trust enough to look after it for 2 hours while it naps? Why do you have to instead take that child (or those children) to the grocery store, during nap time, at the height of crankyness and irritation? Here's a hint: if you make kids with a responsible adult, that person is capable of watching them without putting them in the microwave, or leaving them on the curb with the recycling.

8. And speaking of recycling, I hate people who complain about other people trying to live "greener". There's a local talk radio host who revels in his disgust at people using their own bags, driving hybred cars, recycling or doing anything out of the usual to be a little more conscious of their consumption. He, of course, has dozens of callers who agree. Seriously, why the hell do you care if I use canvas bags for my shopping? I don't do it because I want to feel better than others (I'm a Subgenius, I KNOW I'm better). I, and most other people, do it because it's actually more convenient. When I use canvas bags, I can usually carry my entire shopping trip in one load, which is AWESOME. I'm sorry if you don't understand the concept "don't shit where you eat" (which is pretty much what we're all doing with cars, plastics and all that), but if you'd like I'll come over to your house and illustrate why we don't do that.

Okay, my cup of irritation at humaity is bottomless, so I'll just end now. And start anew later.



*Listen, I'm all for kids in bars. I live in an area of the country where it's pretty much part of the culture. It's a valuable way for children to learn the fun, and dangers, of drinking. That said, my parents never ever expected the patrons to act any differently in my presence. I'm a better person for that.

Pom, no longer wonderful.

I love Pom, producers of fine pomegranate juice products. They're yummy. Unfortunately, recently I've had to limit my consumption of Pom to their juice/tea blends due to the packaging. You see, I've become aware of the growing island of plastic in our ocean, and have decided to try to limit the amount of plastic packaging in my life starting with the easiest, beverage containers. I've limited myself to glass, aluminium or paper containers. Yeah, it's not much, but as a harm reductionist, doing something is always better than nothing.

Anyway, now Pom has decided to change their juice/tea containers from these awesome, and endlessly reusable, glass bottles...

With their wide mouth and actually functioning lids, they were pretty much perfect for a variety of storage tasks beyond refilling with liquid. I've started plant cuttings in them, I keep one in my car to refill with water, I've used them to store tacks, screws, nails and other small things, and would use them to store nuts, grains, seeds and other similar food products.

As they excitedly announced on their website, "Glass dismissed", and touted the benefits of plastic (which NEVER biodegrades) as being:
Recyclable - though did you know that more than 3/4ths of plastic is never recycled?
Less energy to produce - though it's still made from petroleum (it's more than gas folks)
Less energy to transport - I don't know how they figure this. They've increased the size of the product, meaning it weighs about the same as the smaller, reusable, glass bottle.

On top of that, they've devolved to the traditional, and practically useless, small mouth bottle design. This means that they're pretty much only good for liquid storage, unless you cut the top off, but then you lose the resealable aspect that made the glass bottles so useful. One can only reuse so many plastic beverage bottles as water containers before they have to start throwing them out. Reuse is always more ecologically friendly than recycling because you don't need to spend the energy to transport the stuff to the recycling center, or to break it down and recreate it into a new product.

Anyway, I've written them a letter expressing my dismay at their foolish choice. If you agree, feel free to write them as well. customerservice@pomwonderful.com

Statements are judgements, not questions.

This is another excerpt from a post on The Brit Girl's site.

The 63 statements/judgments to the child free...and my responses. Seriously, some people are so rude.

Every woman wants children - Oh you! So dumb!
Having children is a natural part of life - So is shitting, you want me to do that now, on the rug? This is the one thing I can control, so what's your point?
Children are the future - THAT'S why I don't have a jet pack, because asshats like you put off on the kids what could be done today. Maybe, instead of hoping that your children do something better in the future, you should do something NOW. The future is the future.
There’s nothing more important than being called Mummy. Or Daddy or parent. - That's your opinion. In my opinion, there's nothing more important than working to make peoples lives better NOW. Some people think there's nothing more important than being called Master. or Slave.
It’s different when they’re your own - Yeah, tell that to the millions of parents who abuse their children, unless by different you mean "easier to get away with abusing".
You’ll regret it if you don’t have children - I'm sensible, I can deal with regret. If you are so sensitive that you can't deal with the possibility of regret, you shouldn't have children...you should have pills.
Children are your way of giving back - No, they're YOUR excuse for not doing anything beyond your own family. My way of giving back involves actually working to make my community better.
You’ll change your mind when (fill in blank…) - Riiiiiiight...I'll let you know when that happens.
You’ll grow out of it - I'm 38, so let me know when that's supposed to happen.
You’re missing out on life (if you don’t have children) - How do you feel about this statement, "You're missing out on life if you don't drop acid?" Don't cotton to it? Now you know how I feel.
Once you have them, you will love them - Or regret them, and be forced to do a crap-ass job of raising them...if they're lucky. Personally, I'd rather just limit my regrets to my own person.
People who don’t have kids are unloved - Tell that to my husband, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, inlaws...and friends. People who have kids simply to feel loved are sad.
People who don’t have kids are lonely - Lonely? Hell, if I have enough relations and friends to start my own damn state...I have to actively WORK at being alone, just like you parents. Only I get to shit, shower, sleep and screw in peace.
You don’t leave a legacy if you don’t have kids - Leaving a legacy means what, exactly? Millions of childed, and child free, people have left this mortal coil without leaving any significant trace, and I see no problem with that. What a selfish reason to create another being.
Your life will be empty without kids - No, it is filled with the freedom to do the things I enjoy. Your life must be quite narrow in scope if you think that children are the be all end all of existence.
Having kids is what you do - As a HUMAN, I don't just DO things, I think them through and weigh the pros and cons. If the cons outweigh the pros, then I choose NOT to do them. As an ANIMAL, reproducing is something you "just do".
You must hate children if you don’t want your own - No, I just don't want to carry any in my body, or raise any, or deal with any when I don't want to deal with them. Now, if you LOOOOOOVE children so much, why don't you adopt a handicapped one, or an older one with emotional problems?
Not having children is un-natural - Tell that to the sterile, go ahead, I'm sure they'll be happy to hear how unnatural and wrong they are.
Not having kids is un-Christian - Good thing I'm an atheist.
We are supposed to have children – God says so - There is no god. If you are hearing voices telling you to do things, they're hallucinations. You may consider going on meds or getting therapy to deal with the hallucinations before you ruin your children any more.
You’re unfulfilled without kids - Really? Some of the most miserable people I've met have children. I guess if misery equals fulfillment in your wackadoo world view...
I can’t imagine life without my kids - No one is asking you to, are they? You however are asking me to completely turn my life upside down for some strange reason.
Having kids defines you - WOW. That is SAD. Really, really sad...even junkies know there's more to life than heroin.
Having children makes you grow up - Ummmm...no. But thanks for lying.
Not having kids is selfish - Give me ONE altruistic reason for having a child...I'm waiting...go ahead...please...any time now...seriously, one reason that doesn't involve "me" or "I want"... any day now... obviously, I won't hold my breath.
You’re selfish if you don’t want kids - See above, cause I'm still waiting for the unselfish reason for having children.
You must hate parents if you don’t like kids - I know many parents who I admire, respect and whose company I enjoy. That said, the cult of parenting is one large reason why I don't have children. I've experienced some parents who have a terrifying hive-mindedness that disallows for any variation.
Having children makes you a family - What a narrow and sad view of family you have. To quote myself, "Tell that to my husband, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, inlaws...and friends."
Having a child is the ultimate womanly achievement - Wow, what a pathetic view of "womanly achievement" you have if you believe simply having unprotected sex until you breed is any sort of achievement for any gender.
Having a child is the best thing ever - Funny, I've heard that about group sex, scatology and any number of alternative sexual activities, and yet...I just don't feel like swinging that way. Personally, for me, the best thing ever is my dear husband.
Nothing is more important than having children - How do you feel about Science? Technology? If nothing is more important than having children, please quit mooching.
You’re not contributing to society if you don’t have children - How is simply adding people to society a contribution? If you are unwilling to make sacrifices and DO WORK to raise children, then you are taking away from society when you add maladjusted beings to it.
You’re not doing your bit if you don’t have children - I pay my taxes, I pay my bills, I take care of myself, I do not expect hand outs from everyone else, I contribute money, time and work to my community. I'd almost say I'm contributing MORE than a person who just has a bunch of kids without thinking.
You’re wasting your life if you don’t have kids - Snore... snore...blah...blah...
But You’re smart… you’d make great parents - No, we are smart, we know ourselves, we know what we don't want to do....we don't want to be parents, so we would make shitty parents because we don't want to do things we dislike. Get a freaking clue-by-four why don'cha?
You’re (fill in appropriate blank with political/religious/racial noun) you ought to have kids - How is simply breeding to keep the numbers up anything beyond animalistic?
You’re letting your family/religion/race/country/planet down if you don’t have kids - HA! There are more than enough people. My family doesn't care, so long as I'm happy. My in-laws desires on that subject don't matter to me.
It’s a sin not to want kids - I am an atheist, sin is a made up way of controlling people through guilt or shame.
You’ll be unhappy if you don’t have kids - No, I'd be suicidally miserable if I had kids.
You’re denying your husband children if you don’t want kids - My husband knew me before we got married (imagine that!), he knew if he wanted children he'd best look elsewhere. If he wants kids, he's going to have to divorce me and find someone who is willing to have children.
You have good jobs, you should have kids - The rich are some of the crappiest parents I've ever seen. And why would I want to ruin the benefits of having a good job by having children to suck the fun out of it?
If you don’t want kids, there’s no point getting married - Tell that to the sterile, you judgemental asshole.
A child makes your life/marriage complete - We each married the person we wanted to share our life with, so it is complete. How sad it must be to have married someone and felt so unfulfilled that you needed to create another person to make it better. And what a selfish reason for doing so!
A child is how you leave your mark on the world - What is this unnatural obsession to piss all over the place to let everyone know you've been here? What a nightmare this world would be if EVERY PERSON who trod upon it felt the need to make an indelible mark.
Having kids makes you a better/stronger/kinder/selfless/person - Tell that to the Dali Lama or Mother Theresa. You know what made me a better and stronger person? Learning from my mistakes. You know what made me a kind person? My parents and life. See, it's life is easier when you're kind to people....even people you have NO RELATION TO. Woooooow.
But you were meant to have kids! - No, no I wasn't. If I was meant to have kids, I'd have some desire to.
Children make you happy - First, children make me drunk, because I think they're funnest when I'm drunk. After a couple hours, children make me annoyed, irritated, tired, frustrated, bothered and chafed. Oh, and I'm usually sticky from my spilled drink.
Since you don’t have children you couldn’t possibly understand (fill in kid related issue) - I know parents, I know children, I've babysat, I've been a nanny...I've done all sorts of child-rearing type work and what I understand is I have NO DESIRE to do that.
The rewards of having children outweigh everything you could possibly imagine - I don't believe you...and what's so selfless about having children for the reward?
Men grow up through having kids - Men don't HAVE kids, men MAKE kids. Making kids isn't being a father or a grown up. Making kids is proving your dick works, making kids is having unprotected sex with a woman. Tell me how any of that is "grown up"?
You’re obviously not cut out to be a parent - GEE! YA THINK?!! Where'd you ever get the notion that a person who has NO DESIRE whatsoever to have children wouldn't be cut out to be a parent? Shouldn't you be applauding me on my good life choices? Now take your bag of stupid and go away.
If you don’t have children you must be angry and bitter - No, judgmental people sticking their noses up my vagina make me angry and bitter. Being without children makes me happy.
Raising children is the most important job in the world - Yeah, tell that to your doctor after he's extended your life, or your child's life. Go ahead....
If you don’t have kids you don’t leave your genes behind - Oh the HORROR!!! I'm sure the world will go on just fine without my overweight, poor sighted, prone to anxiety genes tromping around. Listen, I'm not an egomaniac, I KNOW I'm not SPECIAL.
Women are programmed to want children - Where are these robot women you speak of?
Well, you’re getting married. It’s good you’re settling down and having kids - No. We're publicly celebrating our relationship, and getting tax benefits. Ooooh.
You must have a child… it’s the best feeling in the world! - I'm guessing that pushing something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a quarter doesn't hold a candle to an orgasm, or even being mildly buzzed.
We’re just waiting for you to have your own kids - Enjoy your lesson in futility, learn from it.
You don’t know what you’re missing - Ever dropped acid? Blown your mind on ketamine? Been tied up during sex? Knocked a girl 10 feet into a crowd of people? Had your glasses broken in a mosh pit? Driven a goth filled Champ with one working door and purple spots through the poorest part of town and had crack ho's and bums point and laugh? No? Trust me when I say, you have no fucking idea what you're missing.
If you don’t want kids, you need a psychiatrist - I'd need a psychiatrist if I had kids.
Kids are more important than the planet - Explain to me where they'd live...please.
You’re not a real woman unless you have children - Then I guess you can take that up with my x chromosomes.
They can do great things with fertility drugs these days! - Yeah, if I don't want one child, why would I want 6 at once?
Your marriage is empty without children - If you had children to make your marriage "full" you are a sad, sad person.

Why haven't you pushed something out your vagina to make me feel better about my life choices?

Well, for those couple readers who are interested, here are my answers to the 40 questions childfree people must constantly endure. Thanks to The Brit Girl.

1. Do you have children? No
   
2. Why not?I don't like that kind of work
   
3. Don’t you like children? I like returning children safely to their parents and going home without them.
   
4. When are you going to have children? Never.
   
5. Aren’t you leaving it too late? No, because I'm not having any.
   
6. When are you going to give me grandkids? (fortunately, my parents have only expressed interest in my life happiness, and never a mention of grandkids)
   
7. Why don’t you like children? They are loud, boring, messy, intrusive, painful, expensive, irritating, dull, tedious, annoying, gross...and a fuck lot of work that I have no desire to do.
   
8. Why are you so selfish? Why are you such an intrusive ass? Please enumerate the selfless reasons why you had children. Really, give me ONE SELFLESS reason why you had children.
   
9. Doesn’t your husband want children? He said he might kind of want children, I said "you won't get me AND children" and he said "I know the difference between want and need".
10. Who’s going to look after you (when you’re old, sick,) I don't believe in creating people for the sole purpose of possibly caring for me in my old age, seems kind of like slavery, which I am morally opposed to. Oh, and what's so selfless about creating someone to care for you?
    
11. Why aren’t you doing your bit for society? I work to prevent the spread of a devastating disease, I also work to help increase our communities access to free speech. I do not believe simply contributing extra people is doing anything positive for society.
    
12. Why don’t you want to be a mother? Because I do not like that kind of work, nor am I eager to change how I live my life. I like it as it is.
    
13. Why don’t you want to be a father? (I can not answer this one)
    
14. Isn’t that selfish? No, it isn't selfish you dolt.
    
15. Who’s going to pay for your pension? I believe I am...and your kids might pay my social security, but I doubt it. That said, who pays for your kids public schooling, the roads that their buses take, and the free lunch programs, and the kids insurance programs, and the after school enrichment programs? Me, with my higher tax rate. You can send me a thank you any time.
    
16. Who are you going to leave your shoes, house, clothes, worldly goods to? I do have other family members as well as many friends. Beyond that, what do I care what happens to my crap when I'm gone?
    
17. Aren’t you lonely? Nope, I know how to make friends and amuse myself.
    
18. Are you normal? Thankfully, no, I am not normal.
    
19. How can you not want kids? I have the maternal instinct of Patsy Stone, and know it is better for EVERYONE that I not have children I have no desire to raise. How can you want to force kids on me? Would you like me to "take a shot" at brain surgery too? Perhaps you can be my first.
20. Don’t you like yourself? Yes, but that doesn't mean I want to do the work of raising a child.
    
21. Do you hate parents? Parents are one reason why I don't want children, they really haven't done such a good job of being admirable role models lately, in my estimation. Personally, I'd rather not be FORCED to deal with such people. They have a creepy hive-mindedness that I don't cotton to.
    
22. What if your parent’s hadn’t had you? Then I wouldn't be here trying to validate my existence to you.
    
23. What’s wrong with you? Why are you an asshole?
    
24. What about women who can’t have children? What about 'em?
    
25. What else is there in life if you don’t have children? Work, free time, volunteering, free time, pets, fun, rock shows, friends, free time, family, free time, travel, expendable income, free time, quiet, fun, free time, roller derby, relative cleanliness, free time, girl drinks, free time, fun, and did I mention...slack?
    
26. Isn’t that what everyone does? How is merely doing what everyone else does without thinking of the consequences, selfless? Thanks Mom & Dad, for teaching me to think for myself. As I always answered to "What if everyone else jumped off a bridge? Would you follow?" , "I'd be at the bottom, taking pictures".
    
27. What’s life if you don’t have kids? Filled with the slack and privacy I require to keep from going insane. It's also fun.
    
28. What if everyone thought like you? Then only people who wanted to do the work of raising a child to be a productive human being would have one, there would be way FEWER abused and neglected children, and more people would be happier. Oh and our resources would be less stretched.
    
29. Did you have a bad childhood? I am quite lucky to have the childhood I had. I was raised to be and independent free thinker, and for this I am glad.
    
30. Don’t you want to make your mother/father grandparents? If they want more interaction with children, they are grown ups who can volunteer with children, mentor or be Big Brothers/Big Sisters. I am not keeping them from interacting with children.
    
31. Don’t you want a fambly family? I have a family, I have a husband, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins. I also have in-laws now.
    
32. What do you spend your money on? Uhhhh...DUH. Rent, bills, food, clothes, personal care items, cat food, fish food....then comes the fun....and savings.
    
33. What contribution have you made to society? See number 11. And please explain the contribution to society a parent who does nothing to ensure their child is a productive human who can interact with others is making. Thanks.
    
34. How can you deprive your husband of a child/children? He knew the deal going into it. I told him I wasn't expecting him to change his slackfilled ways, in all fairness, he shouldn't expect me to change mine. How could he deprive me of my sanity?
    
35. Why aren’t you fulfilling your nurturing role? For the same reason why I don't participate in group sex, or scatology, I just don't swing that way.
    
36. Don’t you want to have your own flesh and blood? Nope.
    
37. Don’t you want to experience being pregnant? Good christ NO.
    
38. Where’s your maternal instinct? I guess the ALMIGHTY didn't give me one. God don't make mistakes, you know.
    
39. How will you fill your life? I will alternate between activities and slack.
    
40. When are you going to Grow Up? I support myself, I do not expect hand outs or help to subsidize my chosen life style. By all standards of measurement that matter to me, I am an adult.
    

Hillary Clinton

At least Jim Jones knew when to call it quits.

Thanks for making everything suck even more for much longer than necessary.

The following common sense hints for parents are from this article by Captain Obvious. Thank you Captain Obvious!

1. Assemble your children's outfits when you put clothes away in their drawers. Then you can quickly grab a full outfit without having to waste time scouring the drawers for a matching shirt and pair of pants.
Or maybe rethink the idea of matching outfits for every day use...I mean seriously, if you're picking out your kid's clothes, they're probably at an age where they'll have to wear more than one outfit per day due to filth (and not the good filth). Let me hip you to this fact...babies and toddlers don't care one iota if what they wear matches. Here's something else to hip you to, if it takes more than a couple of minutess to find socks, pants or a shirt for your child, you might just have too many goddamned clothes.

2. When you see a great toy on sale, buy several and sock them away for your child to give to friends at birthday parties throughout the year.
After all, it's not the thought behind the gift, but the mere fact you gave a gift that counts.

3. Give your grade-schooler a "homework box" with pencils, an eraser, a stapler, a calculator, and a ruler. Ask her to bring it to the table whenever it's time to do homework.
WTF? Shouldn't these things already be in one place called "backpack" or "book bag"? At least, that's where I kept my ruler, pencils, erasers, AND homework. Then I would take my backpack to the kitchen table, where I sat to do my homework. When I was done, I'd put it all back in my backpack.

4. Forget about addressing your party invitations by hand. Go to the United States Postal Service website to create party invitations that can be shipped to addresses you upload to the site. Or, have your own photo printed onto a postcard invitation at Snapfish and they'll stamp the cards and mail them for you.
Or maybe you don't need to invite EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO HAS EVER MET YOUR CHILD to it's party, maybe your child's party should just be for family and close friends. Trust me when I say the people who've met your kid a couple times, or who you've only showed pictures of your child, don't care. Here's another novel idea, don't send out invites...since you're using the internets, just use email or an electronic invite service. You'll have to spend time typing anyway and these are free. (Trust me,everyone will forget what your mailed invites looked like within 2 hours of the parties end - sooner if it's a good party)

5. Stock your produce drawer or a lower shelf in your refrigerator with snacks like carrot sticks and apple slices that your kids can grab without your help. Set up a similar area in your pantry with baggies full of dried fruit or graham crackers.
If you need to be told this, you shouldn't have had children. There have been snack drawers for at least the past 30 years, it doesn't take a brain to stock them with healthy snacks.

6. Skip ironing and get wrinkles out of a shirt or pair of trousers by putting them in the dryer for 15 minutes with a damp hand towel.
While I will admit this is a good one, but...the wrinkle reducing properties of steam are pretty well known. One can get the same effect without running the dryer, just hang up your wrinkled, or bar stinky, clothes in the bathroom while you take a hot shower with the door closed.

7. Stop wasting time looking for things you use often, like scissors, reading glasses, or baby wipes. Stock up and keep duplicates in the rooms where you spend the most time.

What I've learned is that the multiples will eventually migrate to one central location, somewhere near the Milky Way. Easier still is to have a place in each room where you keep necessities, and return those things to that place when you are done with them. Yes, there may be pens in my bathroom...but I never DON'T have a pen.

8. Designate 30 minutes after dinner for cleaning — and get everyone involved in folding laundry, doing dishes, and clearing away clutter.

Children used to be free labor and would do these things called "chores" sometimes for money, but usually just because their parents told them to. Usually "chores" were things like folding laundry, doing dishes and cleaning up. Amazing.

9. Store sets of sheets and pillowcases inside unfolded pillowcases to make bed changes fast and easy and minimize clutter in your linen closet.

If you've been digging in the linen closet for more than 5 minutes looking for a fitted sheet, maybe a better solution is to get rid of some of them. I was an au pair/housekeeper/status symbol for a while. The house had 10 beds...TEN FREAKING BEDS...6 of which I managed to make on a weekly basis without having a linen overload melt down, it's not that hard folks.

10. Program the phone numbers for your favorite take-out restaurants into your cell phone so you can call to pick up dinner on the way home and avoid paying for delivery.

You haven't done this already?

11. Create a file for coupons for your favorite restaurants and file them with take-out menus. Put the coupons that expire soonest at the front of the pack.

Sensible, I'll buy that for the dollar I save at Imperial China Wok Garden.

12. Set up a box for bills that need to be paid and stock it with stamps and envelopes.

See 10. Bills are important, you need to pay them. At the very least keep them in one place.

13. Organize your favorite articles, parenting information, and recipes so you can find them more quickly. Place pages from online sites, magazines, and newspapers in page protectors and stash them in a three-ring binder.

I've done this, but the only binder I ever returned to actually use was the recipes. I threw out the old binders a long time ago.

14. Store your child's outgrown clothes in large plastic bins and affix labels such as "0 to 3 months", "6 to 9 months", "9 to 12 months", and so on. Once your child has grown out of a size, you can easily store the clothes, loan them to a friend, or take them to a consignment shop.

Because everyone has unlimited room to store old clothes...maybe that's the great thing that happens when one has children, their home suddenly becomes a Tardis. I doubt it, a better idea would be to, you know, take the out grown clothes to a thrift store so someone else can use them. After all, if you're so into matching outfits (see item 1) are you really going to let your newest child wear the older children's nasty old clothes...I mean, you'll be having a baby shower for the new kid, so it's going to get new clothes anyway.

15. Set the table the night before and put items like bowls, utensils, cereal, fruit, toaster, and bread out to avoid a morning rush.

Mmm...room temp. fruit. Really? All this prep just for a bowl of cereal? Weird. I'm pretty sure I could get my own cereal by the age of four.

16. Shop for holiday and birthday gifts year-round. Whenever you see a great gift for someone you love, buy it and set it aside for giving later.

One of my grandmothers does this. It's a good idea if you don't buy for a bunch of people, or have a specified place where you store it. The problem I've seen with my grandma is you end up with closets of ungiven gifts that you've forgotten about. The bonus is I get mint condition antiques that I would have ruined if I'd gotten them the same year my grandmother bought them. I mean, if your house is already chock full of linens, stored children's clothes, prepurchased kids presents and cereal, where are you going to put all this crap?

17. Start a monthly meal exchange program with five friends and neighbors. Once a month, cook enough for two dinners. Stash one in the freezer and take the other to meet up with the group and swap healthy, freezer-ready main dishes. Then go home with four other meals, and put them in the freezer alongside the extra one you made for your family. Suddenly you're stocked up with a variety of easy, homemade dinners.

Lessee, if you don't have time to actually make dinners for your family, you are going to get the time to organize and implement this effort where? Here's a hint, teach your kids to cook at age appropriate levels, and encourage the person who helped you make those kids to help out around the house too...and no, your child does NOT have to participate in every after school activity under the sun.

18. Limit personal e-mail and computer time to twice a day.

Again, if you don't have time already, what are you doing sitting around on the computer?

19. Do all of your errands one day a week, working off a list and taking the most efficient route.

Whaaa? Plan ahead?! Surely you jest!

20. Hire a babysitter for a couple of hours on the weekend so you can tackle household duties and errands without kids in tow.

I'm sorry, but is EVERY childed family single parent? I know this is a novel concept, but someone had to help you make those kids, and if that someone is just sitting on their ass while you drag the kids through household chores and errands, perhaps THAT someone can look after the kids FOR FREE.

21. Chop all your vegetables, fruits, and herbs for the week's meals at one time so everything will be ready for cooking.

Thank you Captain Obvious! Prep work makes cooking faster...work in a restaurant for 2 minutes and you'll know this.

22. Add important appointments and activities to a master calendar in your e-mail in-box and set up reminders for up to one week ahead. This calendar can be shared with family members via e-mail. (Google Calendar, a free Web-based system, even sends reminders to cell phones.)

But don't go on the computer more than twice a day! There used to be these things, they hung on the wall and had all the days of the year on them...I think they were called "Wall Calendars". We had one hanging on the basement door, there were things written on it, and when we looked at it, we'd know what things were scheduled for that day....Right there! IN YOUR FACE! Woah.

23. Sort belongings into clear, labeled bins that can be stacked and stowed so your child can easily find things like DVDs and toys without your help. Use brightly colored labels and picture labels for toddlers and preschoolers who can't read.

Again, people have been doing this for at least the past 20 years, but thanks for the reminder.

24. Stop by the post office before 3 p.m. on weekdays, when the long lines usually begin to form, so you can get in and out more efficiently.

What wacky wonderland does this writer live in?! I've never been to the post office when there wasn't a line out the door...perhaps if they stopped feeding their employees Valium in the water, but that's a different rant.

25. Keep disinfecting and glass wipes in the bathroom for quick cleanups around toilets, sinks, and mirrors. You could even do a speedy wipe-down while you bathe the kids.

Here's a novel idea, have the kids help. If your kids are old enough to not have to be constantly supervised in the bathtub, they're old enough to wipe down a surface.

26. Keep a phone book in your car to avoid unnecessary calls to 411 and to quickly look up addresses.

You are correct! People should be encouraged to look up crap in the phone book while driving. Here's a better hint, PLAN AHEAD. Know where you are going BEFORE you leave the house, write the address down ON PAPER.

27. Set up two folders related to your child's schoolwork — one for school notices and the other for schoolwork you want to keep.

Here's a better idea, clean out all the crap at the end of every school year. And when you get a notice, write it on the "wall calendar", then recycle that too. My aunt kept all sorts of her kids school projects, and you know what happened, they sat in the basement. Now that the kids are all moved out, she cleaned out the basement and it was just another mildewy box for the landfill. Same with my mom, and my grandmother. No one cares but you, and chances are, you won't care either in 10 years.

28. Skip folding laundry and instead hang up all clothing except for socks, underwear, linens, and towels.

Ahhh...yes, the family home/Tardis. First, have your children help. Second, if you seriously do not have enough time to properly care for or store all the clothes you have, maybe you have too many clothes.

29. Grocery shop on the weekends or, if you don't want to waste precious weekend time, go to the store after the kids are in bed. You'll whiz through the store with much less frustration because you're not also feeling the pressure to get dinner on the table and everyone into bed on time.

Weekends? Groceries? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? If your time is so stretched that you can't spend it properly cleaning your home or folding teeshirts, shopping on the weekend isn't going to help. You see, that's when all the people who work during the week go shopping, and unless you live in Wisconsin and it's during a Packers game, shopping on the weekend will take twice as long. Maybe you can bring your teeshirts along and fold them in line.

30. Choose meats or other proteins that can be used for several meals during a week. A store-bought rotisserie chicken can be shredded and used for several dishes, like chicken enchiladas, homemade chicken soup, and chicken salad. Slow-cooked pork tenderloin can double as barbecued pork sandwiches with just a bottle of barbecue sauce. Cooked beans can go in salad, tacos, and vegetable soup.

It's called either "stretching your food", "leftovers", "hot dish" or "casserole". Anyone who grew up in a middle income home knows this...noodles can be added to anything to make it last twice as long.

31. Open mail with the trash can nearby so junk mail and catalogs can be thrown out immediately. Even better, sign up with a free service for reducing junk mail like the National Do Not Mail list.

Really? Opening your mail by the garbage makes it go faster? Wow, those extra seconds will really be of help when organizing your child's outgrown clothes in to labeled bins.

32. Keep cardboard boxes labeled "donate," "trash," or "consign" in the garage or storage closet to routinely rid your house of unused items and clutter.

Know this...if you need to open your mail by the garbage for extra precious seconds, consignment isn't the option for you. That takes time. A better idea is to put trash in the garbage can as soon as it becomes trash, and put all the usable stuff you want to get rid of in a box. When it's full, take it to the thrift store. Sure you won't get any money for it, but will the $4 you get from the consignment shop for your old jeans help you in the long run?

33. Save time and money on routine shopping trips by buying items like toothbrushes, toothpaste, shampoo, light bulbs, and batteries in twos when they're on sale.

Woah! A person can buy things cheaper "on sale"? HOLY CRAP!

34. Keep an overnight bag in your car with an extra outfit for each child, including diapers or underwear, nonperishable snacks, and toiletries. In the event of an emergency, messy meal, or whirlwind overnight trip, you're set

I didn't know the car became a Tardis as well once the children arrive. AMAZING! Don't they carry diaper bags any more? Isn't that where stuff like this went? Oh, and from what I know of parents, there is no such thing as a "whirlwind overnight trip".

35. Stock a binder or folder with a list of emergency contacts and household instructions for things like watering plants, pet care, and mail collection so you won't have to write everything out each time for a house sitter or babysitter.

I'll admit, this is a good one. Point given!

36. Designate a cabinet in your kitchen for medicine so you'll have easy access to everything from pain reliever to bandages when and where you need them. Make sure it's secured with a child-safe lock.

This home/car into Tardis business is really making me rethink the whole not having kids thing. I mean, I can always use more space. Seems as reasonable a reason to have kids than any of the others I've heard.

37. Sort medicine into small, labeled storage bins — one bin for children's medications, one for adult cough and cold remedies, one for first-aid supplies, and so on, and keep them in the locked cabinet.

Is there some reason why you can't just have the medicine in the medicine cabinet? Is there some reason why you can't read the bottle to make sure you're not dosing your kid on Drano accidentally? My parents managed this, and they were HIPPIES!

38. Tape the dosage instructions for common medications like children's acetaminophen to the inside of your medicine cabinet.

Yes, reading the bottle each time and retaining the information after several readings is difficult and time consuming.

39. Splurge on a super fast-drying hair dryer and cut hair-drying time in half.

Ohhh...guess what?! Water evaporates from hair naturally!! If you don't use a machine to dry your hair, guess what?! YOU WON'T SPEND TIME DRYING YOUR HAIR! Woah.

40. Keep a pack of thank-you cards in the glove box of your car or in your daily planner so you can write notes while sitting in the car or waiting for a doctor to see you.

NO! When you are in the fucking car, you should be fucking paying attention to the fucking world around you. If you don't have time to address invites to your child's party, why the fuck are you sitting in your car writing thank you notes?!

41. Turn your hangers backward at the beginning of every season. Anything left hanging on a hanger that's still turned backward at the end of the season hasn't been worn — give it away!

So, let me get this straight. You are so pressed for time that you need to open your mail over the garbage, because sitting down, opening it and then taking the unneeded mail to the garbage is too much time...BUT you do have time to turn all the clothes in your closet around so you know what to get rid of? There's these things, they're called priorities, and everyone abides by them. If it's important, you spend the time doing it, if it's not important...don't waste your time on it.

42. E-mail your thank-you notes instead of sending a card.

I see now....only go on the computer twice a day, but you can go on it as LOOOOONG as you want! Yes, thank you. Instead of madly writing out meaningless thank yous at red lights and drive up windows, why don't you just email it.

43. Schedule your child's doctor's appointments for first thing in the morning when you're less likely to have a long wait.

Okay, that's a good one, and probably why I can never get a morning doctors appointment.

44. Get rid of one bag of clothes, toys, and books for every bag that comes into the house. It means less stuff to clean up.

Or as normal people call it, "everytime you bring home new crap, throw out some old crap".

45. Write down or print out all-important phone numbers — for people like your child's doctor, the next-door neighbor, your veterinarian, and so on — and place the list in an inexpensive picture frame that you keep in your master bedroom or the kitchen. This way, you won't need to write out contact information for a sitter or grandparent — just point out the list, and they'll know who to call in case of emergency.

Why don't you just show the temporary care takers the binder of the same information that you made while following step #35? Is Capt. Obvious paid by the hint or what? Seriously, here's a more important time saving hint - don't keep doing the same shit over and over. Once you've made the binder, you don't have to condense it into a framed picture.

46. Fill a basket with socks and keep it near the front door so kids can quickly grab a pair. Put the shoes they wear most often next to the basket.

Tardis house! TARDIS HOUSE! When I was a child, I was able to not only retrieve my socks from the drawer they were stored in...all the way up in my bedroom, but also find my shoes there too. I guess I was extrey smrat or something.

47. Order diapers and wipes online — no more lugging big boxes home from the store.

What the hell? So you don't have time to get cereal bowls out in the morning because you're spending too much time schlepping crap home from the store? But I guess, when your 2 times on the computer last 3 hours a piece, you have to do something to make that time productive.

48. Label shelves in the linen closet so family members know where items like beach towels and guest room sheets belong.

Or teach them, with words. Maybe encourage them to know...like things go together.

49. Keep an assortment of greeting cards on hand, filed by occasion. You'll save time on trips to the store, and you can quickly take care of an unexpected birthday or send off a heartfelt condolence.

A heartfelt condolence with a card you bought 6 months ago. "This card says I recognize that something bad happened to you". You're right of course, showing people who aren't in your family unit that you care can take time away from your family unit, and that's bad.

50. Forget sorting laundry. Wash everything in cold water.

Yeah, I'm sure the person who dresses their infant in matching outfits all the time is really going to be keen on having dingy whites.

Message to Hillary supporters...

Just some helpful hints:
1. Quit whining. Seriously, people like who they like for whatever reasons they have. If someone doesn't like Hillary, don't act like they hate all women, are insane or completely deluded. I don't pitch a fit when I find out someone doesn't like super sharp cheddar cheese, Barack Obama or kittens, I just accept they have worse taste than me and move on.

2. When you call progressive radio shows and complain that the progressives don't like Hillary, stop for a moment and think. If you are capable of logic, you should draw this conclusion...if progressives don't like Hillary, it might just mean they don't think she's progressive. Just because she's a woman does not mean she's a progressive. Just because she's running under the democratic ticket does not make her a liberal. I am a progressive, I'm also liberal, left wing and all those other nasty terms no one wants to use any more. In fact, I laugh when those conservatives whine about the "radical left" when talking about Hillary or Obama (or Olberman or MSNBC for that matter). If they knew what most "radical leftists" really thought and wanted to do, they'd start advocating much more strongly to put people like us into camps...or maybe not. After all for the most part, we just want to be left alone to do what we want to do, and to be free, and to rock (oh and maybe a little rioting when the situation warrants).

3. If you are a woman and say "I'm voting for Hillary because she's a woman", could you just shut the fuck up now? Here's a clue by four, you make yourself look like an idiot, all women look like idiots and Hillary look like an idiot. Imagine how you'd react if someone said "I'm voting for Hillary because she's white" (see #4, because I guess there's lots of folks out there who are voting for her whiteness) or "I'm pro-Obama because he's a man". The first thing women had to do before they got any rights was prove they could THINK, and your assertion that Hillary has earned your vote simply because she shares your genitals proves to many people that women can't think. Genitals do not qualify anyone to be anything beyond inserters or receivers....and even that's up for bargaining. Seriously, Eva Braun, Margaret Thatcher, Phyllis Schlafly, Charlie Manson's mother and Ann Coulter are all women, would you vote for any of them too?

4. That said, if you are white and call up a radio show complaining "All dem Blacks is just voting for Barack because he's black and that ain't fair.....duuurrrrrslurp...me loves Hillary...gaaaaaa...how'd I get a drool stain on my brown shirt?". FUCK YOURSELVES, RACIST ASSHOLES. GO TO HELL AND DIE. Seriously, if this is what Hillary supporters are really like then I can only assume then that Hillary is the same way and I will never vote for her because I do not want to associate myself with a bunch of racist, sexist fucktards. (Psssst...it's why I'm not a republican, or a libertarian) From the way you talk, you probably have your little black lawn jockey shackled so he don't run off your plantation and hang out with all them other black folks who are incapable of thought and just vote because finally, for once in this stupid country's history there's a decent guy with a chance of winning the presidency who shares a similar skin color.

5. For chrissakes, stop with your bullshit parade on every damned radio show. I'm fucking sick of it. You know you make folks like me hate her more because you all sound like a bunch of blathering infants and you never make a coherent point. Waah waahh...so the media aren't kowtowing to Hillary, so they're more critical of her than of Obama...get over it already. Maybe you could spend your time encouraging her to portray another side of herself beyond "aging cynical bitch". Yes, the Clinton years were difficult. Guess what? That's over...as in past, as in there's nothing that we can do about it now. Rehashing it with stupid "vast right wing conspiracy" theories left over from 1994 certainly doesn't help her cause any. Oh, and quit lying. (That said, here's a big ol' FU to every dickwad who made a big deal out of Hillary's "tears" in New England a couple months ago - even idiots know what crying looks like. Pssst...that wasn't it)

6. Hillary, you remind me of GW way too much when you scold. We've spent the last 8 years with GW up there telling us he knows best, we don't need to do anything and we don't need to know anything because he's doing "hard work" to take care of it all. Show a little humility in yourself and faith in others...it's why people like Obama. Also, insulting people who've chosen to not follow you makes you sound like a cynical asshole. Trust me, I am a cynical asshole, I know what I sound like. I, and many others, will have a hard time getting past your low opinion of us should you be one of the choices. For some reason, once they're out of High School, folks just don't like to vote for people who seem to hate them.


Personally, I'd be more than happy for BOTH parties to dissolve, because NEITHER represents my, or I bet your, beliefs wholly. With only two, nothing gets done because no one has to build a consensus, they just rally the troops, circle the wagons and grandstand while the rest of humanity takes it up the ass. I'm sick of holding my nose so I can vote for who is least evil, or knowing that who I voted for will never in a million years win because everyone is so stuck in this "Republocrat" or "Demican" mindset. Please, just stop with the stupid already.

Befouling the airwaves, yet again...

Don't got too much to say, just doing my favorite thing, hosting a radio show after 10pm at night.
Sweet, sweet freedom, why can't we have it all the time? Oh yeah, we've got to protect the children, because we live in a village and the entire village must raise the children because they are our future and we've got to do everything to protect that. I could totally be a bull shit artis-I mean, politician.

Sue Cream Sue - tr. 1 - Suec Super Greatest Hits Deluxe Album
Elton Motello - Jet Boy Jet Girl - A Date With John Waters
Peaches - Two Guys For Every Girl - Impeach My Bush
(cast) - Heidi - The Story Of Heidi sndtrk.
John Fogerty - Long Dark Knight - Revival
Tom Waits - Fish In The Jailhouse - Orphans (Brawlers)
Blues Magoos - Tobacco Road - Kaleidescopic Compendium: The Best Of
The Fall - Sparta FC No:3 - Interim
Parts & Labor - Unexplosions - Mapmaking
Siouxsie - Sea Of Tranquility - Mantaray
Talking Heads - The Great Curve - Remain In Light
Modest Mouse - Florida - We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank
Electric 6 - Kukuxumushu - I Shall Exterminate Everything Around Me That Restricts Me From Being The Master
Electric 6 - Improper Dancing - Fire
Electric 6 - Gay Bar - Fire
Gore Gore Girls - Pleasure Unit - Get The Gore
`

Hatelove, the Subgenius condition.

Hatelove, it sounds fun, like sexhurt. It's not. It's the one wave on the otherwise placid slack plain. Even if you've successfully managed complete and total slack, if you are smart enough, you will still feel hatelove. It's knowing that while you may have managed your life in such a way that most everything within your sphere of influence and knowledge pleases you, EVERY OTHER FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD COMPLETELY SUCKS BALLS! Great, I know lots of smart, funny and free thinking people, but does that really matter when the majority of people are unthinking, dull, asshatted NORMALS? Awesome! I live in America, where everyone has the freedom to do anything they want, but does that really matter when in all actuality our every movement and action in life is controlled by fear, ignorance, slavish obedience, or some hellish combination of the three?

I Jammed Out With My Clam Out

Oh yes, oh yes indeed. After months of begging, bribery and cajoling, I finally got Ms. Jenni to let me back into the Leopard Print Lounge again. And now she'll have to work extra hard to regain the reputation I so easily soiled.

I present to you, the soundtrack to the Cheech and Chong movie that is my mind.

Dukes of the Stratosphear - 25 O'Clock - Chips from the Chocolate Fireball
Ariel Pink - Getting High in the Morning - House Arrest
Rolling Stones - Stoned - The Singles Collection
Bongwater - Ride My SeeSaw - Double Bummer
Flight of the Conchords - Robots - The Distant Future
Lenny Bruce - To Come - To Is A Preposition Come Is A Verb
Donovan - Superlungs - Trobadore
Capt. Groovy & His Bubblegum Army - Dark Part of My Mind Pt. 1 - Turds On A Bum Ride
Black Lips - It Feels Alright - Good Bad Not Evil
Madoo - You Can't Do That - The Fab Four From Liverpool
Sonic Youth - Hyperstation - Daydream Nation (rerelease)
Sonic Youth - Eliminator - Daydream Nation (relrelase)
Parts & Labor - Fractured Skies - Mapmakers
Zolar X - Oveon Triopp - X Marks The Spot
Zolar X - X Marks The Spot - X Marks The Spot
Yoko Ono w/ Jason Pierce - Walking on Thin Ice - Yes, I am A Witch
Yoko Ono w/Felix Da Housecat - Walkin On Thin Ice - Open Your Box
Talking Heads - Psycho Killer - 77
The Boggs (Fort) - Arm In Arm - The Boggs
Von Sudenfed - The Rinohead - Tromatic Reflexxions
Mitch Hedberg - Houses - Mitch All Together
The Arge - Benzocaine - S/T
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Howl - Howl
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - U.S. Government - Take Them On On Your Own
The Doilies - The Doilies - Invite Them Up
Big A little A - Track 5 - gAme
Tomahawk - Mescal Rite #2 - Anonymous
Maps & Atlases - Stories About Ourselves - tree, swallows, houses
TV On The Radio - Playhouses - Return To Cookie Mountain
We Are The Fury - Venus - Venus
Scissor Sisters - Comfortably Numb - S/T
702 - Pootie Tangin' - Pootie Tang Sndtrk.
Richard G. Clark - Make It In Rockford...Weigh The Difference - Rockford