Unspoil Your Child (Yes, for chrissakes, do something, ANYTHING to keep the rest of us from having to deal with the resultant coddled, entitled "adult"!)
A trinket here. A toy there. Somehow it's all adding up to a kid who expects to get whatever she asks for. Here's how to unspoil your child. (mmmm, giving them crap once in a while does not equal a spoiled child...not setting boundaries, saying "no" and trying to be their best friend does.)
By Marisa CohenWho hasn't bought a few moments of peace from a screaming toddler with a lollipop or splurged on a pair of sneakers just to hear your son say, "Mom, you're the best!" (Really? You bribe your kids to love you? Wow. Just, Wow.) When you're busy or stressed, it's tempting to buy your 2-year-old that stuffed pony just so you can get through Wal-Mart without the Embarrassing Public Tantrum (My parents let me throw the tantrum, and then removed me from the store, there's nothing a store has that is so important that it couldn't be obtained tomorrow - or without me). Or let your kid eat candy and bread for dinner so you can eat your own fish and veggies in peace. (My parents just said "No, you get what we get. If you don't like it now, maybe you'll like it better for breakfast tomorrow when you're really hungry. Now go to your room.") But if your child rarely has to wait between "I want it" and "I have it," then he may be missing out on the chance to develop the emotional tools he'll need to be a happy and successful adult (Whaaa? You don't say?!). “When your child doesn't have the opportunity to deal with the little disappointments in life by your saying no to her, you may be giving her poor preparation for dealing with the small or large difficulties that may come her way," says Diane Ehrensaft, Ph.D. (AKA Captain Obvious), author of Spoiling Childhood: How Well-Meaning Parents Are Giving Children Too Much — But Not What They Need It's not too far a stretch to see how a child who is given every new video game the day it comes out can develop into an adult who gets frustrated when he isn't given the corner office on his first day of work (and ends up shooting up the place when he doesn't get an advance on his paycheck, or when that bitch in accounting turns him down for a date), notes Steven Friedfeld, a family therapist in New York City. But you can put an end to the gimmes — whether it's your child's inflated holiday list or her insistence on treats or snacks as prepayment for good behavior. Here's how to go about implementing the despoiling process: (and hey, good luck with that, if you need total strangers to tell you to use common sense, this probably isn't going to do you, and by default society, a lick of good)
STEP 1: Acknowledge where the problem starts.
As much as we hate to admit it, spoiling is mostly about us parents: "We often try to compensate for what we didn't have as children, to assure ourselves that our children love us, or to make up for any parental guilt we feel," (Since we're starting at the basics, don't have children to feel loved or to make up for the upbringing you are dissatisfied with - have children because you want the JOB of PARENTING) says Ehrensaft. Teresa Sellinger, a mother of three in Sparta, NJ, readily agrees with this: "I came from a huge family and grew up wearing hand-me-downs," she says. "So I'm always buying my daughters the most stylish, matching outfits to wear to school. I know that's more about my issues than theirs!" (And the problem with hand-me-down's is? I grew up wearing HOMEMADE clothes. Get over yourself, and realize that your parents were probably being sensible and living within their means.) Giving your kids whatever new gizmo they want as soon as they want it is also a way to show off how successful you are, both financially and as a supermom. How many times have you heard a mom "complain" about how many Webkinz her kid has, as she simultaneously glows in the knowledge that she was able to buy them for her? Try to figure out where your need to spoil is coming from (and here's the nugget of truth in the lie, it's not really a need to spoil...it's a need to one-up everyone else by showing off that YOU obviously love your children MORE because you are willing to go into debt to show everyone how successful you are as a...uhhh...a...what exactly?). Ask yourself a series of questions: Are you tired, overstressed, and trying to find a quick-fix solution? Are you feeling guilty for not spending enough time with your kids? Are you getting more of a kick out of this gift than your child is? Once you figure out what's driving your tendency to spoil your kids, you'll be better able to kick the habit. (When you stop being superficial, and take the time to teach your children there is more to a person than their clothes and toys, then you might not have children who insist on having the latest crap to one-up their peers the way you feel you need to one-up your neighbors.)
STEP 2: Set rules and consequences.
There is a slippery slope in parenting, where the initial "If you behave, I'll buy you a treat" turns into "Here, take this treat, and hopefully you'll behave." (Is there some problem with "I expect you to behave. If you misbehave there are consequences. If you behave in an extraordinary manner, you might just get a treat."? In real life, people do not get extra rewards for doing what they are expected to do, they get extra rewards for going beyond expectations.) To wean your child off this demand-reward pattern, you'll have to set the new rules in stone (or try setting them BEFORE your child becomes a demanding ass). "Observe your child for a few days to notice when she is really being demanding and refusing to take no for an answer — whether it's with staying up past her bedtime, asking for new toys, or wanting candy," suggests Lisa Forman, a family counselor in Sleepy Hollow, NY (Like I said, have rules because no one obeys rules that don't exist). Let's say you recognize a pattern: Your daughter refuses to sit still at the dinner table unless she is promised her favorite dessert (Wow, I only got dessert away from home). The next step is to come up with a rule and a realistic consequence — such as taking away TV or computer privileges — for her behavior, keeping in mind your child's age and tolerance level. And make sure your partner's on board with the new plan; kids are experts at playing one parent off the other (Here's a hint, BEFORE you have children, see if your partner's on board, then come to an agreement as to how you will raise your children BEFORE having them.). Then, sit down and explain the rules to your child: "In our house, we get ice cream on Friday night if we have behaved at dinner all week. If there is whining for candy during dinner, you will lose the ice cream privilege." Ask your child to repeat it back to you to make sure she understands — or better yet, make a chart together that she can decorate with stickers each time she follows the rules. (Most people I know in my age bracket and older were not rewarded for merely behaving. Rewards are only required to instill good behavior in a people who have been set up to expect to be rewarded for behaving in a socially acceptable manner.)
STEP 3: Don't justify your decisions.
The other night, I told my 4-year-old daughter that she couldn't have any cookies before dinner (And the conversation didn't end there, why?). Somehow, she managed to turn this into a 10-minute discussion about why (No, you ALLOWED her to. Simply saying "Because I say so." should be an adequate reason for a 4 year old). I realize now that she had no interest in listening to my explanation about the sugar content of the cookies — she was simply doing her best to break me ("Trying to break me"? Are you fucking serious? You are an adult playing a child's game and she wasn't doing anything beyond being a child. If you said "No, this is not a discussion, now go play.", what would have happened? She would have sulked for a couple minutes, and then gone to play.). "Parents have this illusion that if they give their children the reason why they can't do what they want, the child will stop wanting it, and as far as I know, that has never happened in the history of parenting!" says Nancy Samalin, a parenting educator and author of Loving Without Spoiling. Instead of trying to reason your child into obeying you, simply say, "No, and that's the end of the discussion." If she comes back at you with, "Why?" remind her, "In our house, that is the rule." And as your child repeats her "But why?" refrain over and over, keep this statistic in mind: A survey by the Center for a New American Dream found that kids will ask for something an average of nine times before the parents cave (and keep this in mind, YOU are the PARENT. You are the ADULT. It is your JOB to RAISE the people you've made. You do not have to explain your reasoning to anyone who you are raising.). So stay strong and repeat your simple "no" on the ninth, tenth, and eleventh entreaty. Eventually, your child will realize that her attempts are futile, and she'll move on.
STEP 4: Resist peer pressure.
When all their other tactics fail, children will inevitably resort to the one sentence that has been used to guilt parents since that first annoying caveman next door gave his son a shiny new rock: "But all the other kids have one!" (And that concerns you how? No, really, that's one of the retorts my HORRIBLE (snark off) parents used. What do you care if every other fucking kid in the fucking world has whatever crap? What concern is it of ours?)Unfortunately, there is no magical response that will definitively shoot this argument down (Wrong. There are several responses; 1. Maybe you'll get it for your birthday/another gifting occasion/when you do something to earn it. 2. If you really want it, you'd better figure out how to earn some money and buy it. 3. And your point is? And I should care why?), but there are a couple of strategies that can be successful. "You can say to your child, 'That's interesting. Let's talk about it,'" suggests Ehrensaft (Yes, be the adult sucked into playing the child's game. It will surely teach them nothing.). "There may be a good reason for your child wanting what the other kids have: It might be a great new game everyone is playing at recess or a new book they're all talking about (You know none of these are good reasons to just buy your kid some crap, right?). Tell your child that you will look into it, and see if it's something you want him to have." If the book/toy/game seems worthwhile, you can add it to his birthday list — or together you can come up with a strategy for how he can "earn" it, whether that means helping him calculate how much allowance he'll need to buy it (perhaps he needs to save half the price, and you'll kick in the rest) or suggesting it as a reward for a good report card.
STEP 5: Brace yourself for the meltdowns.
The first few times you stick to a new rule and say no, it will be painful — for you, your child, and everyone else within hearing distance (And if parents were honest, we wouldn't have to tell you that rearing children isn't all ponies and sunshine). "There will be meltdowns at first, so fasten your seat belt and react to them in a very calm and neutral way," suggests Ehrensaft. "If you hold to that line every day, your child will learn that this is not the way to get something that he wants, and he will eventually stop." In fact, experts compare this part of the despoiling process to sleep-training your baby: a week or so of stress and tears, and then one blissful night your baby sleeps till morning — or your kid finally understands the word no. (Yes, that's right...one can train a baby to sleep outside of the family bed, eat food that doesn't come from a teat and use a toilet without lasting psychological harm. If you have managed to find a person to make a baby with, I'm guessing your parents probably did the same with you as it is a rare person who will choose to make a baby with a 23 year old who still sleeps with mommy, craps their pants and gets a boobie before night night)
STEP 6: Share the thrill of anticipation.
I remember being 8 years old and running up and down the stairs in my house, screaming with excitement because the once-a-year TV showing of The Wizard of Oz was about to begin (I hate this damned movie, but that's another rant). Today, when my daughters want to see Dorothy and the Munchkins, they simply pop in a DVD. (Why do your children have unfettered access to your electronics?)
While our instant-gratification culture has made life easier in many ways, it has also diluted the joy of looking forward to special experiences (Just because you CAN have every whim instantly fulfilled doesn't mean you HAVE to). Just think about the buildup of excitement you get when you plan a vacation a month away — there's the thrill of planning it, packing for it, talking to your friends about it. When you finally get there, the joy is magnified (I am filled with joy any time I'm away from work). But if there is no wait, no period of dreaming about it, the thrill is often less intense (Who the hell goes on vacation with out planning ahead of time? Even I, an irresponsible worthless child free person, has to ask off from work, find coverage, save money, and pack.). "When kids are accustomed to getting things right away, nothing excites them anymore," says Friedfeld. "The bar has been raised so high that by the time they're teenagers, they might start looking toward other things — like alcohol and sex (and Jackass-like behavior, and killing homeless people)— for thrills (That's what happens to people who grow up with the Soma of immediate gratification, and never feeling an ounce of discomfort - why, as a parent, would you set someone - who you supposedly love more than anything - up for that kind of failure?)." Friedfeld also points out that teaching your children to wait for fun and treats helps them sustain focus and attention, two very important skills for success in school (Wouldn't it be easier for you to never say no and just strong arm teachers for passing grades? Then you'll totally have a best friend forever. Granted, they'll have no skills and you'll be caring for them until you die, but you'll never be lonely).
One of the best ways to teach anticipation is to give your child an allowance and let him save it toward the item he covets. My daughter, for example, knows that it takes exactly three weeks of saving her $2 allowance to have enough to buy a new Rainbow Fairies book, and seven weeks to save for a new Webkinz (I don't even want to know). For those few weeks, she talks about the book or animal, draws pictures of it, and discusses it endlessly with her little sister.
Other parents have found wish lists to be a powerful tool. Small children can cut out or draw pictures of toys they want for their birthday or Christmas/Hanukkah; older kids can create electronic wish lists on amazon.com and other websites (Whaaaa? My mother would come to me the first week of November and say "I need your birthday/Christmas list." The only time I knew I would get gifts was at my birthday or Christmas. This was the list my grandparents and relatives got as well. And it wasn't a guarantee that I'd get anything on the list, and I knew it. If your children are expecting specifically requested gifts at times that aren't traditionally for gift giving, you have already given them too much). And make the list finite: She can keep 10 items on it at any given time; to add a new wish, she has to eliminate an old one (or if you teach them that gifts are special, and that a list isn't a guarantee, then you won't have to worry). This not only helps her prioritize what she truly desires but also shows your child that a toy she swore she couldn't live without in April may seem less important in July.
By now, your child should be behaving so wonderfully
(sure) that you will be tempted to smother him with tons of treats
(or you've decided that you just want them to shut the fuck up and have returned to your coddling ways). Luckily, there are plenty of things you can bestow in abundance without running the risk of spoiling: snuggling on the couch and reading books
(um, isn't this what parents do with their children?); saying "I love you"
(nurturing your children should not be their reward for good behavior, who are you? Joan Collins?); popping a bowl of popcorn and watching the football game
(again, really? what kind of household is this? Mommy Dearest? "Honey, we'll act like a real family if you're good"); listening to her tell an elaborate story about a princess and her magical purple rhinoceros without even once checking your cell phone
(ohh, THAT kind of household. "Mommy's busy, go play with the box of broken glass until I decide you're good enough to listen to."). And don't forget those weekly rewards for good behavior — if your child has followed all the rules you set, go ahead and share an ice cream sundae or do each other's nails
(yes, everyone gets a reward for behaving as expected in Joan Crawford's house). Because when you strip the parent-child relationship down to its core, it's pretty simple: Most kids would forgo another stuffed animal in favor of time with you. And that's something money can't buy.
(That means changing your life to accomodate the people you've created...maybe just bring your kids with you to the bar and let them steer on the drive home)Get Grandma on Your TeamYour children know that all they have to do is bat their eyes at
your mom and that talking Elmo doll is theirs. How to get your parents with the program:
(What? The? Fuck? Seriously?! When I was a child, Grandma was supposed to spoil me, that was her job. Going to Grandmas was a TREAT, because it was DIFFERENT from home. I got dessert and candy at Grandmas, I got sugar cereal, I got to stay up late, I got to check out all the books I wanted from the library, I got to pick out new patterns for my home made clothes and sometimes I'd even a toy I'd asked for - or at least got to play with different toys than were at my house.)SET LIMITSOne mother of two in Minneapolis told REDBOOK she had present overload after the holidays last year. "We donated the extra toys to charity, but this year I'm asking the grandparents to buy just three gifts per child: one outfit, one toy, and one book."
(I was an only child, and the only grandchild on both sides of my family, I was also the only neice. I was hella spoiled by my relatives... so maybe that's why my parents, uhhhh, you know, parented me.)GET COLLEGIATE"Ask your parents to be moderate in their gifts. If they would like to make additional contributions, ask them to consider starting a fund or a trust for your child," says Ehrensaft.
(Yes, that is just exactly the same as giving the child a gift. I know I really appreciated the bonds my grandparents got me when I was broke and wanted booze as I was flunking out of college on the first try.)REQUEST THE GIFT OF TIMEEncourage your parents to spend the day with the kids at the botanical garden or baking cookies together, instead of buying them a giant dollhouse or stuffed animal. "Love is spelled T-I-M-E," says Samalin. "Remind your parents that your children love
them, and not just things they give them."
(Whaaaa???? Spend time with the children? Surely you jest. They raise themselves if you buy them enough crap to keep them quiet. Seriously, what the hell do people do with kids these days? Buy them stuff and lock them in the garage, apparently.)If you are a parent, or someone who is responsible for raising a child, and you've made it this far...I applaud you for making it through my snarky opinions. Unfortunately for us all, the people who most need to hear this are not the ones reading it. You already have an ounce (or 16) of common sense, and already know that saying No to your children, and doing the job of parenting won't damage them. You are awesome. Trust, no matter what other parents might say about "gentle discipline" and "not stifiling creativity", that you are the adult and when you set boundaries and have rules which you enforce, you are doing society a favor as a whole because you will have created a well adjusted person who can work within the society we ALL must live in (and yes, it is a very different place than the "village it takes to raise a child"). You will create someone who is happy and confident, who respects and trusts your opinion and who will, in time, grow to be your friend and confidant...and that, according to my parents, is the best reward of all.
