tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-169940402024-03-06T23:49:16.141-08:00Mysterious Land of MysteryI write to keep from taking a gun with me on that trip up the stairs to the top of the tower.Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-63915587248170245482009-02-25T19:06:00.000-08:002009-02-25T19:06:00.298-08:00I shop local and organic so ...TONGUE WASH MY DUMPER BITCHES!!!This is going to be another continuing feature of this blog...at least as long as it holds my interest. <br /><br />I am a member of a local food coop, and one of the perks is a monthly newsletter filled with recipes, food tips and CRAZY!!!! I've known many people who have worked at this coop, and nearly every single one of them ended up scarred by the experience. I had always wondered why...until I started actually reading the newsletter.<br /><br />Below are some gems specially selected from the newsletter to make you puke in your mouth, and hate foodies just a little bit more. I've added my own responses, because obviously the coop is going to try to placate these people...at the expense of their own employee's mental health.<br /><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Kindly advise your cashiers not to shove food towards customers in an effort to make them bag groceries more quickly. It's a bit indecorous. Those items are food that we've spent our hard-earned money to buy. It feels a bit like being mistreated. I know you don't employ <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">baggers</span> in order to keep costs low, and I have no problem with bagging (in fact I enjoy it) but a note to the cashiers: patience please. - Signed "Don't Shove It"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Dear Shove It.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Seriously, this is your complaint? The <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">bagger</span> PUSHES the food toward you? Oh the HORROR!! Did you ever think that there might be other reasons for it beyond it's use to keep you from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">dicking</span> around the bagging area and clogging up the place? Yes, in fact, the cashiers "shove" the food to (wait for it...wait for it) keep it from getting mixed up with the food of the customer who is being checked out while you're taking your sweet time putting your groceries in those fancy, organic cotton bags you just paid 20 bucks a piece for. Now, here's something actual for your martyr complex...fuck off.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">We're a stones throw from some of the best organic and conventional apples in the country, and every apple in the stores is from AZ, WA, CA, even </span><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">MX</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">!!! What gives? - Signed Apples</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Dear Apples:</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Most of our apples are locally grown, why don't you OPEN YOUR </span><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">GODDAMNED</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"> EYES AND READ THE SIGNS? Yes, we know it's hard because everything has to have a dozen signs on it labeling everything from allergy cautions, place of origin, the wages of the people who produced it and </span><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);" class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">whether</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"> or not it is family friendly because you </span><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">asshats</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"> claim it's TOO HARD to find these things on the packaging...so we post signs upon signs upon signs that no one reads because they're </span><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">everyfuckwhere</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><br />How is it justifiable to charge such high prices - especially during a recession? - signed High Prices</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Dear High Prices:</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">Did you know that the coop is actually a BUSINESS, and that a main component of staying in business is taking in REVENUE (psst..that means money)? In fact, the coop is in the food business and as a result must be housed in a building, have access to electricity and water. The coop must also hire people to service your complaining ass. All of these things cost MONEY. In order to get that money the coop must SELL goods for prices higher than what they paid for those goods. Yes, there is a recession but that does not mean the costs of keeping our doors open do not decrease. Our GOODS cost MORE because they are made in smaller amounts, have a higher quality and well...did we mention that we like to pay our employees? If you do not want to pay for the ACTUAL VALUE of the food your are consuming, I suggest you take your sorry ass to Walmart, there you can get all the cheap crap you could ever want. Robots and/or children make it, so you won't be subsidising their wages.</span>Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-81083094220485254472009-02-20T14:31:00.000-08:002009-02-20T14:55:49.327-08:00It's Oscar time!!!And I'm the big dork who rarely sees any nominated films, but merely lloves the dress parade on the Red Carpet, and snarking on the celebrities. I will be watching the pregame show all afternoon while I prepare for my annual Sock Toss, which is how my friends and I choose to celebrate this incredibly stupid and pointless event.<br /><br />1. Paperwork. Everyone gets a ballot and a copy of the drinking game rules (new for '09)<br /><br />2. Roll out a red carpet. Yes, I have one. It's from Ikea, and does have white and orange stripes on either end, but it's mostly red, which is good enough for me. (this party is the reason why I picked that rug)<br /><br />3. I alert the paparazzi, who never show because we're abnormal people who don't get the recognition we deserve. So, I set up a strobe light facing the door to simulate the experience for my guests.<br /><br />4. I make an assload of hors d'ouvres. I LOVE finger food, and this is my only chance to make a meal of it. This is when I start drinking mimosas.<br /><br />5. I remove all knick knacks from around the television.<br /><br />6. I ball my socks. Then I wash them, and fold the pairs together into little balls. These are what we use to express our contempt for the films, the celebrities, the interviewers, the dresses, the suits, etc. etc. Basically the only time socks aren't flying through the air is when they do the roll call of the dead, unless it's someone we REALLY hate.<br /><br />Of course, for the entirety of these preperations I am also watching the pre-show red carpet events. I hate that shit, the stupid interviewers and the pat responses. But I love hating it...so I'll have downed an entire bottle of champange by the time the show starts. Guests arrive right before the beginning of the actual show, so they don't have to see my shame. Yes, I do have other people join me.<br /><br />Care to join us from the comfort of your own home? Invite some friends, ball some socks and let'er rip!<br /><br />Oh, and here are the drinking game rules...<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Vomit Carpet - Oscars Drinking Game</span><br />1 drink -<br />botox or obvious cosmetic surgery<br />insane dress/suit<br />cut off speech<br />Jack Nicholson in sunglasses or with much younger girlfriend<br />mispronunciation/can't read teleprompter<br />thanks parents/god/lawyers<br /><br />2 drinks<br />side boob<br />goes on with speech in spite of cut-off music<br />stumbles up stairs/on stage<br />joke falls flat<br />goes wrong direction, needs guidance off stage<br />says "I didn't expect this" and then pulls out prepared comments<br /><br />4 drinks<br />obviously drunk/stoned<br />nipple<br />FCC violation<br />host/presenter argues that recipient should be allowed to go on with speech after cut-off music starts<br /><br />5 drinks (or the entire bottle as this is a sign of the end times)<br />John Waters wins best picture, best director or life time achievement awardFeh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-16071878505381381492009-01-02T18:06:00.000-08:002009-01-02T18:06:00.392-08:00Idiot Bomb 3, Allotment of Comfort17. Adults in colorful plastic footwear.<div><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">WHYYYYY</span>?!?!?!?!?!!!???!!!! Why do you insist on raping my eyes with your "kicky", "fun" special fucking shoes made for children, clowns, prisoners, special needs people or some combination of those? Do you know how stupid you look in giant rubber boots with flowers on them? Do you know how sad you look in giant, neon colored clogs with holes in them? Why are you spending 30 bucks or more on mass produced shoes that are injection molded by machines using materials that cost maybe 10 fucking cents? What kind of a rube are you?! Why don't you just take your money and burn it instead? At least fire is pretty.</div><div>Lessee what is the reasoning I've heard behind these things?</div><div>A. "They're comfy"...and so are bedroom slippers, Chuck Taylor converse, and well made, broken in leather shoes. Please, try again.</div><div>B. "These are made out of a toxic material so they don't stink" If you have a problem with your shoes stinking here's a couple hints: WEAR SOCKS WITH YOUR SHOES, WASH YOUR FEET and LET THEM (shoes and feet) AIR OUT ONCE IN A WHILE. If that fails, there are cheap, easily accessible products that will help keep them from stinking.</div><div>C. "They're so cute" No, they're ugly and you look dumb for wearing them</div><div>D. "They're easy" If it is too hard for you to lace your tennis shoes loose enough to slip your feet in, or purchase a pair of slip on actual shoes, then maybe you should go barefoot.</div><div>E. "Tee <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">hee</span>, they're fun." FUN is something you have...you HAVE fun at the fair, you HAVE fun groping your partner, you HAVE fun doing things. THINGS are NOT fun What you OWN does not make you fun.</div><div><br /></div><div>18. Parents who take pride in their child's picky-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">ness</span>.</div><div>Few things infuriate me more than a parent puffing out their chest and saying "Oh Timmy will only wear (blah)" or "Courtney will only eat (blah)" like it is some sort of accomplishment. Like you've done such a stellar job of coddling your child that they now can only tolerate 2 kinds of clothing and 4 food items? Trust me, it does not mean they have a more refined palate, or more discriminating taste. It means you have given in to their every whim, and said "Well, I can't let them go hungry one night, so I guess it's chicken fingers again". I don't understand what happened to parents who say "You eat what we eat, you wear what we buy, if you don't like it get a job and buy your own food and clothing."<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>19. Children's food.</div><div>Why? Why is there special food for children? And why is this food the most horrible, processed, anti-food on the planet? And why do parents, who supposedly do anything to ensure their children's good health, feed it to them? I understand that children have special nutritional needs, or that babies need mushy food because they have no teeth. Now, I'm not expert, but I am pretty sure that the nutritional needs of children do not include extra salt, fat, and a myriad of chemical flavor enhancers and preservatives.<br />If you are the adult in a family that makes real food for the adults and chicken fingers for the kids, I ask you this "Why do you make your own job harder?" Did you know that chicken fingers are just REALLY REALLY TERRIBLE breaded chicken? Did you know that you are actually HARMING YOUR CHILDREN when you feed them this crap? You do know that a kid who goes to bed without dinner for ONE NIGHT, will be pretty fucking hungry the next day and will eat whatever food you make, including the cold leftovers of the meal they wouldn't eat the night before. Look at starving people for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">chrissakes</span>, those poor bastards linger for days if not weeks so I'm pretty sure it's fine if your precious prince(<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">ss</span>) goes without for a night.<br /><br />20. The Breast Feeding Mafia<br />You people infuriate me.<br />A. I don't get to whip my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">funbags</span> out for any reason, even if it's REALLY FUCKING HOT. Why should you get to, simply because you have an infant attached to them?<br />B. Why can't you throw a blanket over your shoulder, boob and baby? The kid doesn't care, all the kid wants is a full tummy and a dry diaper. You might say that adults don't cover their heads when they eat, which is true for the most part. However, when I eat in public, I do cover my boobs.<br />C. Since it is so natural shouldn't you be celebrating ALL <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">revealment</span> of the human body? Low rise pants, spaghetti strap tank tops, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">prostitots</span>, whale tales, teenage boy's underwear, Daisy Dukes, Victoria's Secret displays, public nudity...surely you find NONE of these things offensive as they are all ways of displaying the natural wonders of the human body.<br />D. Yes, breast milk is best for the baby...blah blah b-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">snooooore</span>. That said, NOT EVERYONE CAN BREASTFEED. While you're having feed-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">in's</span> at Starbucks (why are you drinking their high fat fake coffee beverages while you're breastfeeding anyway?), going on an on about how great you are for sacrificing your nipples to do the very best for your child, and how everyone on the planet should be forced to birth and breast feed a child because you were not a real person until you did, imagine how guilty and terrible a mother who can't breast feed must feel. Amazingly enough, she also wants the best for her child, and goes out of her way to prepare nutritious food for her infant and make sure it's healthy and sound. Seriously, what's next, telling a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">quadriplegic</span> they're a bad person for not jogging to lose weight like you did? Quit judging people who are doing the best they can with their limitations.<br />E. Do you seriously have nothing better to do than post pictures of yourselves breastfeeding on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">FaceBook</span>? You accepted the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">TOS</span> when you made your page, and accepted the fact that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">FaceBook</span> is the owner of your space. Suck it up and accept that the owners of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">FaceBook</span> property might not want to deal with the implications of a bunch of naked boobs on property which is <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">accessible</span> to people of ALL ages and beliefs. If you really must to post your breastfeeding pics, why not make your own social networking site? Call it <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">BoobBook</span>, or <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">FaceBoob</span>, or <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">MyBoob</span>...whatever and post all the boob pics you want. Anyway, did you know there is a site where you can post boobs, bellies, stretch marks and afterbirth? It's called Shape Of A Mother, check it out if that's what you REALLY want. (oh, by the way, if your naked breast is mostly covered by a baby, you are not violating the TOS, which I believe disallows an ENTIRE NAKED BREAST, so legit breast feeding pics shouldn't be a problem, should they?)<br /><br />21. Corporate <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">CEO's</span><br />Up. Against. The. Wall. Mother. Fuckers. Do you run a giant multi-national corporation that is now failing due to the economic collapse created by giant multi-national corporations? FUCK YOU AND DIE. Seriously, DIE. If I EVER have the opportunity to recognise one of you <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">assclowns</span> on the street, I will punch you in the face...if you're lucky. You are shit wrapped in skin that wastes the air of the rest of the hard working people of the world. You are King Dick of Shit Mountain, and instead of a government REWARD for your BAD BUSINESS PRACTICES, you should have just gotten a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">handjob</span> with a fish scaling glove.<br />I don't understand why no one who voted to reward these fuckwits gets this ...THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE, it is THEIR FAULT we are in this mess, and THEY SHOULD PAY. WE should at the very least get the SATISFACTION of seeing their doughy faces frog marched into ASS RAPE <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_23">PRISON</span> because, simply put, if I know when my spending money is getting to the "you've got barely enough money for lunch at Taco Bell" point, then I STOP SPENDING MY <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_24">GODDAMNED</span> MONEY. I don't wait until I've lost my apartment, car, and everything I own. A person who makes MILLIONS of dollars a year should have this simple concept down pat.<br /><br />21. Sarah <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_25">Palin</span><br />Is there some reason why you still plague us with your stupid presence? I mean, I know the reason, you are an attention whore who has managed to get a bit of real estate on the national stage so you're going to milk that for all it's worth. But, don't you have like...an entire state to govern, a daughter who is a single mother and a family with a special needs child to help raise? Whatever, you're unwed mother of a daughter isn't going to be getting married, because Levi doesn't have to now since you won't be <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_26">VicePresident</span>. I'd recommend now that if you want to continue to torment us with your stupid presence, have access to expensive clothes and a growing political careear, you'd best get divorced in a couple years. No news organizations are going to continue to go to the expense to fly their correspondents all the way to Fuck Alaska to ask you trick questions about what you read (seriously, you couldn't even LIE and name ONE SINGLE PRINTED PUBLICATION?). Also, you should probably put in the papers soon, because you don't want it to be fresh news when you make your run in 2012. Enjoy that.<br />That said, were you a person who supported Sarah <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_27">Palin</span> because she's so "folksy" and "plain spoken" and "just like me"? You are wrong on all counts. Sarah <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_28">Palin</span> is none of these things, she's a candy bar heiress beauty queen who can't talk good. She is not like you, she is the popular rich girl in school who got everything she wanted, and had to go to 5 different colleges to get a single bachelor's degree. I don't want to bust your bubble, but you, me and Sarah <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_29">Palin</span> are not people who should be a heart beat away from the most powerful position in the world.<br /><br />22. Ads for things I have no say in<br />I have no say in where I get my electrical service, what pills I get <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_30">prescribed</span>, what insurance company insures me...in fact MOST <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_31">people</span> do not have any say in these things. Why then, do these entities WASTE MONEY ON ADVERTISING? Why spend the money to advertise drugs that people don't get to just buy in the drug store? Or spend the money to advertise drugs for conditions that only a small percentage of the population has? I have no say where I get my electricity, so why does the electric company feel the need to inform me of their <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_32">existence</span> on television? Isn't the monthly bill enough? And who the hell has a choice about their insurance? Most private people I know who buy their own will go for the best value, which is not something EVER mentioned in the ads. People who have employer sponsored insurance rarely get to choose between companies. Even if they do, there is NOTHING in the advertising that would say one way or another if that's a company that's going to try to fuck you out of what you've paid in for.<br />On that note, why do I have to see multiple commercials for cars, candy, fast food, cleaning products, whatever EVERY commercial break? I highly doubt there is a person who goes "Ford? They make cars?! Why I've never knew!", "Coca Cola is a fizzy beverage that gets you high!" or "A fast food place called Taco Bell serves <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_33">mexican</span>-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_34">esque</span> food?!! Who would have thunk?!" Maybe, instead of spending most of their money on informing us of their (already known) existence 185 times a day, they could spend a little more on paying their employees (not the fucking <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_35">CEO's</span>) living wages...gee, ya think?<br /><br /><br /></div>Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-47237426573741732642008-12-31T18:06:00.000-08:002008-12-31T13:46:58.057-08:00Well, it's almost 2009And I don't have much to say.<br /><br />The holidays were uneventful and quiet. All of my cousins are over the age of 19, and none have <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">sprogged</span>, so that was nice. No family drama, no one was ill, the weather was <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">weathery</span>, in all I have no complaints which makes for a rather boring post. I did get a wonderful gift from my family in that my cousin, who got married at the age of 20 to her <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">high school</span> sweetheart, and her husband are definitely child free (for now? I hope not). I'd suspected for a while that she was, but never heard her husband say anything on the subject until this holiday. I just overheard him say in response to a question I didn't hear "No, we're not having kids", and would have jumped up, hugged him and said "Congratulations! You both will be <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">SOO</span> HAPPY!" if it wouldn't have seemed so awkward and inappropriate. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to hanging out with them and having a fine old time at her brother's wedding this summer.<br /><br /><br />I do have a small list of idiot bombs...but I just don't have enough of a raging hate-on to really rip 'em good. However ALL CEO's and Sarah Palin can go to hell together, and companies that run ad campaigns for things I have no choice in (electricity?) can join them.<br /><br />Oh, and a big ol' YAY to Culver's for making it easy for their consumers to recycle the plastics that are a part of every fast food meal. Custard? Mashed potatoes? A variety of foods? Now plastic recycling? This will be my only fast food choice from here on out.Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-75708631539657334852008-11-10T18:06:00.000-08:002008-11-10T15:04:13.138-08:00You are your kid's best friend? Thanks for destroying society.<div class="headline"><h1 class="title"><span style="font-size:85%;">Unspoil Your Child <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(Yes, for chrissakes, do something, ANYTHING to keep the rest of us from having to deal with the resultant coddled, entitled "adult"!)</span><br /></span></h1><h2><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:85%;">A trinket here. A toy there. Somehow it's all adding up to a kid who expects to get whatever she asks for. Here's how to unspoil your child. </span><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);font-size:85%;" >(mmmm, giving them crap once in a while does not equal a spoiled child...not setting boundaries, saying "no" and trying to be their best friend does.)</span><br /></span></h2><cite class="author">By Marisa Cohen</cite></div><div class="detail page2firstsegimage"><p>Who hasn't bought a few moments of peace from a screaming toddler with a lollipop or splurged on a pair of sneakers just to hear your son say, "Mom, you're the best!" <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(Really? You bribe your kids to love you? Wow. Just, Wow.) </span>When you're busy or stressed, it's tempting to buy your 2-year-old that stuffed pony just so you can get through Wal-Mart without the Embarrassing Public Tantrum <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(My parents let me throw the tantrum, and then removed me from the store, there's nothing a store has that is so important that it couldn't be obtained tomorrow - or without me)</span>. Or let your kid eat candy and bread for dinner so you can eat your own fish and veggies in peace.<span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"> (My parents just said "No, you get what we get. If you don't like it now, maybe you'll like it better for breakfast tomorrow when you're really hungry. Now go to your room.")</span> But if your child rarely has to wait between "I want it" and "I have it," then he may be missing out on the chance to develop the emotional tools he'll need to be a happy and successful adult <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(Whaaa? You don't say?!)</span>. “When your child doesn't have the opportunity to deal with the little disappointments in life by your saying no to her, you may be giving her poor preparation for dealing with the small or large difficulties that may come her way," says Diane Ehrensaft, Ph.D. <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(AKA Captain Obvious)</span>, author of <i>Spoiling Childhood: How Well-Meaning Parents Are Giving Children Too Much — But Not What They Need </i><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"></span> It's not too far a stretch to see how a child who is given every new video game the day it comes out can develop into an adult who gets frustrated when he isn't given the corner office on his first day of work <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(and ends up shooting up the place when he doesn't get an advance on his paycheck, or when that bitch in accounting turns him down for a date)</span>, notes Steven Friedfeld, a family therapist in New York City. But you can put an end to the gimmes — whether it's your child's inflated holiday list or her insistence on treats or snacks as prepayment for good behavior. Here's how to go about implementing the despoiling process: <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(and hey, good luck with that, if you need total strangers to tell you to use common sense, this probably isn't going to do you, and by default society, a lick of good)</span><br /><br /><b>STEP 1: Acknowledge where the problem starts.</b><br />As much as we hate to admit it, spoiling is mostly about us parents: "We often try to compensate for what we didn't have as children, to assure ourselves that our children love us, or to make up for any parental guilt we feel," <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(Since we're starting at the basics, don't have children to feel loved or to make up for the upbringing you are dissatisfied with - have children because you want the JOB of PARENTING)</span> says Ehrensaft. Teresa Sellinger, a mother of three in Sparta, NJ, readily agrees with this: "I came from a huge family and grew up wearing hand-me-downs," she says. "So I'm always buying my daughters the most stylish, matching outfits to wear to school. I know that's more about my issues than theirs!" <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(And the problem with hand-me-down's is? I grew up wearing HOMEMADE clothes. Get over yourself, and realize that your parents were probably being sensible and living within their means.)</span> Giving your kids whatever new gizmo they want as soon as they want it is also a way to show off how successful you are, both financially and as a supermom. How many times have you heard a mom "complain" about how many Webkinz her kid has, as she simultaneously glows in the knowledge that she was able to buy them for her? Try to figure out where your need to spoil is coming from <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(and here's the nugget of truth in the lie, it's not really a need to spoil...it's a need to one-up everyone else by showing off that YOU obviously love your children MORE because you are willing to go into debt to show everyone how successful you are as a...uhhh...a...what exactly?)</span>. Ask yourself a series of questions: Are you tired, overstressed, and trying to find a quick-fix solution? Are you feeling guilty for not spending enough time with your kids? Are you getting more of a kick out of this gift than your child is? Once you figure out what's driving your tendency to spoil your kids, you'll be better able to kick the habit. <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(When you stop being superficial, and take the time to teach your children there is more to a person than their clothes and toys, then you might not have children who insist on having the latest crap to one-up their peers the way you feel you need to one-up your neighbors.)</span><br /><br /></p></div><div class="detail"><p><b>STEP 2: Set rules and consequences.</b><br />There is a slippery slope in parenting, where the initial "If you behave, I'll buy you a treat" turns into "Here, take this treat, and hopefully you'll behave." <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(Is there some problem with "I expect you to behave. If you misbehave there are consequences. If you behave in an extraordinary manner, you might just get a treat."? In real life, people do not get extra rewards for doing what they are expected to do, they get extra rewards for going beyond expectations.) </span>To wean your child off this demand-reward pattern, you'll have to set the new rules in stone <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(or try setting them BEFORE your child becomes a demanding ass)</span>. "Observe your child for a few days to notice when she is really being demanding and refusing to take no for an answer — whether it's with staying up past her bedtime, asking for new toys, or wanting candy," suggests Lisa Forman, a family counselor in Sleepy Hollow, NY<span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"> (Like I said, have rules because no one obeys rules that don't exist)</span>. Let's say you recognize a pattern: Your daughter refuses to sit still at the dinner table unless she is promised her favorite dessert <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(Wow, I only got dessert away from home)</span>. The next step is to come up with a rule and a realistic consequence — such as taking away TV or computer privileges — for her behavior, keeping in mind your child's age and tolerance level. And make sure your partner's on board with the new plan; kids are experts at playing one parent off the other <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(Here's a hint, BEFORE you have children, see if your partner's on board, then come to an agreement as to how you will raise your children BEFORE having them.)</span>. Then, sit down and explain the rules to your child: "In our house, we get ice cream on Friday night if we have behaved at dinner all week. If there is whining for candy during dinner, you will lose the ice cream privilege." Ask your child to repeat it back to you to make sure she understands — or better yet, make a chart together that she can decorate with stickers each time she follows the rules. <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"> (Most people I know in my age bracket and older were not rewarded for merely behaving. Rewards are only required to instill good behavior in a people who have been set up to expect to be rewarded for behaving in a socially acceptable manner.)</span><br /><br /><b>STEP 3: Don't justify your decisions.</b><br />The other night, I told my 4-year-old daughter that she couldn't have any cookies before dinner <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(And the conversation didn't end there, why?)</span>. Somehow, she managed to turn this into a 10-minute discussion about why <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(No, you ALLOWED her to. Simply saying "Because I say so." should be an adequate reason for a 4 year old).</span> I realize now that she had no interest in listening to my explanation about the sugar content of the cookies — she was simply doing her best to break me <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">("Trying to break me"? Are you fucking serious? You are an adult playing a child's game and she wasn't doing anything beyond being a child. If you said "No, this is not a discussion, now go play.", what would have happened? She would have sulked for a couple minutes, and then gone to play.)</span>. "Parents have this illusion that if they give their children the reason why they can't do what they want, the child will stop wanting it, and as far as I know, that has never happened in the history of parenting!" says Nancy Samalin, a parenting educator and author of <i>Loving Without Spoiling</i>. Instead of trying to reason your child into obeying you, simply say, "No, and that's the end of the discussion." If she comes back at you with, "Why?" remind her, "In our house, that is the rule." And as your child repeats her "But why?" refrain over and over, keep this statistic in mind: A survey by the Center for a New American Dream found that kids will ask for something an average of <i>nine</i> times before the parents cave <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(and keep this in mind, YOU are the PARENT. You are the ADULT. It is your JOB to RAISE the people you've made. You do not have to explain your reasoning to anyone who you are raising.)</span>. So stay strong and repeat your simple "no" on the ninth, tenth, and eleventh entreaty. Eventually, your child will realize that her attempts are futile, and she'll move on.<br /><br /><b>STEP 4: Resist peer pressure.</b><br />When all their other tactics fail, children will inevitably resort to the one sentence that has been used to guilt parents since that first annoying caveman next door gave his son a shiny new rock: "But all the other kids have one!" <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(And that concerns you how? No, really, that's one of the retorts my HORRIBLE (snark off) parents used. What do you care if every other fucking kid in the fucking world has whatever crap? What concern is it of ours?)</span>Unfortunately, there is no magical response that will definitively shoot this argument down <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(Wrong. There are several responses; 1. Maybe you'll get it for your birthday/another gifting occasion/when you do something to earn it. 2. If you really want it, you'd better figure out how to earn some money and buy it. 3. And your point is? And I should care why?)</span>, but there are a couple of strategies that can be successful. "You can say to your child, 'That's interesting. Let's talk about it,'" suggests Ehrensaft <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(Yes, be the adult sucked into playing the child's game. It will surely teach them nothing.)</span>. "There may be a good reason for your child wanting what the other kids have: It might be a great new game everyone is playing at recess or a new book they're all talking about <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(You know none of these are good reasons to just buy your kid some crap, right?)</span>. Tell your child that you will look into it, and see if it's something you want him to have." If the book/toy/game seems worthwhile, you can add it to his birthday list — or together you can come up with a strategy for how he can "earn" it, whether that means helping him calculate how much allowance he'll need to buy it (perhaps he needs to save half the price, and you'll kick in the rest) or suggesting it as a reward for a good report card.<br /><br /></p></div><div class="detail"><p><b>STEP 5: Brace yourself for the meltdowns.</b><br />The first few times you stick to a new rule and say no, it will be painful — for you, your child, and everyone else within hearing distance <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(And if parents were honest, we wouldn't have to tell you that rearing children isn't all ponies and sunshine)</span>. "There will be meltdowns at first, so fasten your seat belt and react to them in a very calm and neutral way," suggests Ehrensaft. "If you hold to that line every day, your child will learn that this is not the way to get something that he wants, and he will eventually stop." In fact, experts compare this part of the despoiling process to sleep-training your baby: a week or so of stress and tears, and then one blissful night your baby sleeps till morning — or your kid finally understands the word <i>no</i>. <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(Yes, that's right...one can train a baby to sleep outside of the family bed, eat food that doesn't come from a teat and use a toilet without lasting psychological harm. If you have managed to find a person to make a baby with, I'm guessing your parents probably did the same with you as it is a rare person who will choose to make a baby with a 23 year old who still sleeps with mommy, craps their pants and gets a boobie before night night)</span><br /><br /><b>STEP 6: Share the thrill of anticipation.</b><br />I remember being 8 years old and running up and down the stairs in my house, screaming with excitement because the once-a-year TV showing of <i>The Wizard of Oz</i> was about to begin <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(I hate this damned movie, but that's another rant)</span>. Today, when my daughters want to see Dorothy and the Munchkins, they simply pop in a DVD. <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(Why do your children have unfettered access to your electronics?)</span><br />While our instant-gratification culture has made life easier in many ways, it has also diluted the joy of looking forward to special experiences <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(Just because you CAN have every whim instantly fulfilled doesn't mean you HAVE to)</span>. Just think about the buildup of excitement you get when you plan a vacation a month away — there's the thrill of planning it, packing for it, talking to your friends about it. When you finally get there, the joy is magnified <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(I am filled with joy any time I'm away from work)</span>. But if there is no wait, no period of dreaming about it, the thrill is often less intense <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(Who the hell goes on vacation with out planning ahead of time? Even I, an irresponsible worthless child free person, has to ask off from work, find coverage, save money, and pack.)</span>. "When kids are accustomed to getting things right away, nothing excites them anymore," says Friedfeld. "The bar has been raised so high that by the time they're teenagers, they might start looking toward other things — like alcohol and sex <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(and Jackass-like behavior, and killing homeless people)</span>— for thrills <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(That's what happens to people who grow up with the Soma of immediate gratification, and never feeling an ounce of discomfort - why, as a parent, would you set someone - who you supposedly love more than anything - up for that kind of failure?)</span>." Friedfeld also points out that teaching your children to wait for fun and treats helps them sustain focus and attention, two very important skills for success in school <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(Wouldn't it be easier for you to never say no and just strong arm teachers for passing grades? Then you'll totally have a best friend forever. Granted, they'll have no skills and you'll be caring for them until you die, but you'll never be lonely)</span>.<br />One of the best ways to teach anticipation is to give your child an allowance and let him save it toward the item he covets. My daughter, for example, knows that it takes exactly three weeks of saving her $2 allowance to have enough to buy a new <i>Rainbow Fairies</i> book, and seven weeks to save for a new Webkinz<span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"> (I don't even want to know)</span>. For those few weeks, she talks about the book or animal, draws pictures of it, and discusses it endlessly with her little sister.<br />Other parents have found wish lists to be a powerful tool. Small children can cut out or draw pictures of toys they want for their birthday or Christmas/Hanukkah; older kids can create electronic wish lists on amazon.com and other websites <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(Whaaaa? My mother would come to me the first week of November and say "I need your birthday/Christmas list." The only time I knew I would get gifts was at my birthday or Christmas. This was the list my grandparents and relatives got as well. And it wasn't a guarantee that I'd get anything on the list, and I knew it. If your children are expecting specifically requested gifts at times that aren't traditionally for gift giving, you have already given them too much)</span>. And make the list finite: She can keep 10 items on it at any given time; to add a new wish, she has to eliminate an old one <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(or if you teach them that gifts are special, and that a list isn't a guarantee, then you won't have to worry)</span>. This not only helps her prioritize what she truly desires but also shows your child that a toy she swore she couldn't live without in April may seem less important in July.<br /><br /></p></div><b>STEP 7: Indulge in nonmaterial joys.</b><br />By now, your child should be behaving so wonderfully <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(sure)</span> that you will be tempted to smother him with tons of treats <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(or you've decided that you just want them to shut the fuck up and have returned to your coddling ways)</span>. Luckily, there are plenty of things you can bestow in abundance without running the risk of spoiling: snuggling on the couch and reading books <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(um, isn't this what parents do with their children?)</span>; saying "I love you" <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(nurturing your children should not be their reward for good behavior, who are you? Joan Collins?)</span>; popping a bowl of popcorn and watching the football game <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(again, really? what kind of household is this? Mommy Dearest? "Honey, we'll act like a real family if you're good")</span>; listening to her tell an elaborate story about a princess and her magical purple rhinoceros without even once checking your cell phone <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(ohh, THAT kind of household. "Mommy's busy, go play with the box of broken glass until I decide you're good enough to listen to.")</span>. And don't forget those weekly rewards for good behavior — if your child has followed all the rules you set, go ahead and share an ice cream sundae or do each other's nails <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(yes, everyone gets a reward for behaving as expected in Joan Crawford's house)</span>. Because when you strip the parent-child relationship down to its core, it's pretty simple: Most kids would forgo another stuffed animal in favor of time with you. And that's something money can't buy. <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(That means changing your life to accomodate the people you've created...maybe just bring your kids with you to the bar and let them steer on the drive home)</span><br /><br /><b>Get Grandma on Your Team</b><br />Your children know that all they have to do is bat their eyes at <i>your</i> mom and that talking Elmo doll is theirs. How to get your parents with the program: <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"> (What? The? Fuck? Seriously?! When I was a child, Grandma was supposed to spoil me, that was her job. Going to Grandmas was a TREAT, because it was DIFFERENT from home. I got dessert and candy at Grandmas, I got sugar cereal, I got to stay up late, I got to check out all the books I wanted from the library, I got to pick out new patterns for my home made clothes and sometimes I'd even a toy I'd asked for - or at least got to play with different toys than were at my house.)</span><br /><br /><b>SET LIMITS</b><br />One mother of two in Minneapolis told REDBOOK she had present overload after the holidays last year. "We donated the extra toys to charity, but this year I'm asking the grandparents to buy just three gifts per child: one outfit, one toy, and one book." <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(I was an only child, and the only grandchild on both sides of my family, I was also the only neice. I was hella spoiled by my relatives... so maybe that's why my parents, uhhhh, you know, parented me.)</span><br /><br /><b>GET COLLEGIATE</b><br />"Ask your parents to be moderate in their gifts. If they would like to make additional contributions, ask them to consider starting a fund or a trust for your child," says Ehrensaft. <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(Yes, that is just exactly the same as giving the child a gift. I know I really appreciated the bonds my grandparents got me when I was broke and wanted booze as I was flunking out of college on the first try.)</span><br /><br /><b>REQUEST THE GIFT OF TIME</b><br />Encourage your parents to spend the day with the kids at the botanical garden or baking cookies together, instead of buying them a giant dollhouse or stuffed animal. "Love is spelled T-I-M-E," says Samalin. "Remind your parents that your children love <i>them</i>, and not just things they give them." <span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">(Whaaaa???? Spend time with the children? Surely you jest. They raise themselves if you buy them enough crap to keep them quiet. Seriously, what the hell do people do with kids these days? Buy them stuff and lock them in the garage, apparently.)</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);">If you are a parent, or someone who is responsible for raising a child, and you've made it this far...I applaud you for making it through my snarky opinions. Unfortunately for us all, the people who most need to hear this are not the ones reading it. You already have an ounce (or 16) of common sense, and already know that saying No to your children, and doing the job of parenting won't damage them. You are awesome. Trust, no matter what other parents might say about "gentle discipline" and "not stifiling creativity", that you are the adult and when you set boundaries and have rules which you enforce, you are doing society a favor as a whole because you will have created a well adjusted person who can work within the society we ALL must live in (and yes, it is a very different place than the "village it takes to raise a child"). You will create someone who is happy and confident, who respects and trusts your opinion and who will, in time, grow to be your friend and confidant...and that, according to my parents, is the best reward of all.<br /></span>Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-53684974832610519742008-10-21T21:07:00.000-07:002008-10-21T23:58:08.762-07:00Well, MY WORT is infectious...Tonight I am the sub-sub for Ms. Jenni's Leopard Print Lounge. While she's in Italy, looking at the crotches of the Ballet Trocadero, her husband the wonderous Dave 3000 has been filling in for her. Now he's gone to Italy to fill her in, and I'm subbing. As a result, I'm the sub-sub- host and I'm totally going to NOT stink up the place this time. Or at least I'll open a window.<br /><br />If you'd like to experience the horror, feel free to visit <a href="http://www.wort-fm.org">WORT's</a> home page, and click on the archived shows tab. Then look for Leopard Print Lounge....oh, and you've only got a week. If it's been more than a week, you'll have to satisfy yourself with reading the play list and using your imagination.<br /><br />Sparks - I've Never Been High - Exotic Creatures of the Deep<br />XTC - Grass - Skylarking<br />Tom Heinl - Half Day Vacation - With or Without Me<br />Cheech & Chong - Sargent Stadanko - Cheech & Chong's Greatest Hit<br /><br />The Who - A Quick One (While He's Away) - BBC Sessions (Q)<br />Parts and Labor - Satellites - Receivers<br />Wire - One of Us - Object 47 (N)<br />Frank Zappa - Flakes - Sheik Yerbouti (Q)<br /><br />Joseph Arthur & The Lonely Astronauts - Look Into The Sky - Temporary People (N)<br />Love and Rockets - Mirror People - Earth, Sun, Moon<br />Clinic - Free Not Free - Do It!<br />The Dirtbombs - Leopardman At T&A - We Have You Surrounded<br /><br />The Cramps - Love Me/Strychnine/TV Set - How To Make A Monster<br />William Shatner - Common People - Has Been<br /><br />Messer Chups - Anton LaVey 66.6FM - Crazy Price (Q)<br /><br />Messer Chups - Inferno Image - www.myspace.com/messerchups (Q)<br />The Fall - Telephone Thing - 50,000 Fall Fans Can't Be Wrong<br />Coyle & Sharpe - Sandor 21 - On The Loose<br />Kaada - All Wrong - Thank You For Giving Me Your Valuable Time<br />Killer Pussy - Pocket Pool - Vally Girl Sndtrk.<br /><br />Alien Sex Fiend - Eat! Eat! Eat! (An Eye For An Eye) - Curse (Q)<br />Black Diamond Heavies - Numbers 22 - A Touch Of Someone Else's Class<br />El Vez - Mexican Radio - Gracias Land (Q)<br />Bongwater - Ye Olde Backlash - The Big Sell-Out<br /><br />King Kahn & His Shrines - Killer Diller - Billiards at Nine Thirty<br />The Blues Magoos - Tobacco Road - The Best of...<br />Phyllis Diller - Don't Eat Here/The Way I Dress - Are You Ready For...?<br />Earthling Society - The Boy With The X-Ray Eyes - Beauty & The Beast (N)<br />Of Montreal - An Eluardian Instance - Skeletal Lamping (N)<br /><br />Devo - Come Back Jonee - Are We Not Men?<br />Mitch Hedberg - Arrows/Saved by the Bouyancy of Citrus/Mitch is the S'th - Mitch All Together<br />Love - The Good Humor Man He Sees Everything Like This - Forever Changes<br /><br />N= New<br />Q = Question or RequestFeh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-39049205046830033322008-10-16T18:06:00.000-07:002008-11-11T14:30:15.650-08:00The Death of Roller Derby.This is my manifesto.<br />5 years ago, I saw a flier seeking girls interested in wearing skates and hitting other girls. I went to the first meeting of what became one of the influential leagues in first wave of the roller derby resurgence. I began skating with that league at a time when there were few rules, lots of creativity, and fighting and cheating were encouraged. Roller derby was "marketed" as scrappy girls in wacky/sexy uniforms knocking each other around. The only purpose rules and refs served was to provide a moderate framework for the safety of the players and to keep things from getting too out of hand.<br /><br />This past weekend I helped out at an 18 league tournament. (That's more leagues in one place than were in existence when I started.) It was an awesome event with plenty of exciting roller derby action that allowed me to see how far the sport has come, or fallen, depending on your point of view. In my point of view, I think roller derby is falling into some sphere that I will have a really hard time enjoying and participating in should it continue to move in that direction.<br /><br />Where I come from, people go to see roller derby because of the scrappy girls. They don't care how sexy these girls are, they don't care about the officiants, the announcers or , in most cases, the score. What they want to see is girls on skates knocking each other down with a minimal number of interruptions for penalties and injuries. They want to have a tough game where people do anything possible to get their jammer through the pack. They do not pay money to watch a bunch of people skate fast in a circle.<br /><br />My biggest problem with where the sport is going is the Refs. People who chose to referee sports should have a genuine interest in the sport, officiating the rules and maintaining the safety of the game. These people should not have an interest in specific players, should not have an interest in showing off how cool or tough they are, shouldn't be hanging out with the teams on a social basis and should not be blowing their whistle for any reason beyond unsafe play. No one goes to a sport to see the fucking officials, period. Do not be an official if you need to have people pay attention to you, or you need to control people but couldn't make it in the police academy. Unfortunately, this is just the type of person who seems to be most drawn to referee roller derby. I believe refs have worked to increase the complexity and number of rules to the point where they've had to increase their numbers beyond all reason (name me one single sport where there are less than 2 players per ref). It is impossible to enforce the massive number of unnecessary rules fairly without having a ridicilous number of refs. What I saw at the tourney was a bunch of guys in black and white shirts show boating their skating skills, throwing snit fits because the score board was "confusing" (to them only) or the tape was wrong and hanging out with the players on a social basis. Does this happen in ANY OTHER SPORT? No. No it does not. Having a massive number of rules, where most of them have nothing to do with player safety, and fratrinizing, show boating refs just diminishes the toughness of the game, and makes it LESS professional and more boring.<br /><br />And there's my second biggest complaint about where roller derby is going ... Professionalism. I understand that the people who play this sport want to be taken seriously. They are taking serious hits, having serious falls and really putting themselves on the line health-wise. The hits, falls and injuries are REAL. In my experience all I, and most other skaters, wanted people to know was no results were predetermined and all the hitting and falling was actually painful. However, during the tourney I overheard many comments about the professionalisim; some girls weren't dressed enough, some names were too dirty and how "awesome" it would be for this sport to be part of the Olympics. NO!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!! It's Roller Derby, not beach volley ball or WNBA. A big part of roller derby is your roller derby persona, which includes your name and the individual flair you give your uniform. What draws many women to roller derby, as opposed to other sports, is it's allowance for individuality and creativity (and the fact that it's full contact). You do get to pick your own name, you do get to alter your own uniform. If you are comfortable skating in your underware, then you get to skate in your underware. If you want to call yourself "Anita Flippabitch" then you get to do that. If the audience has a problem with that, they can get fucked, because they aren't skating. If a parent has a problem explaining the skater names or uniforms to their child, then they can go to fucking Chuck E. Cheeze so they won't have to have that conversation. To make it more professional, family friendly or uniform (in the uniform department) is to kill everything that makes it awesome, and draws people who would not otherwise pay to see a sport.<br /><br />I just have a few questions.<br />What is so wrong with Roller Derby spending it's entire life as a relatively small, underground, amature, community-based event?<br />What is so wrong with the roller derby league in your community serving as something that helps keep the local roller rink open for another few years?<br />What is so wrong with people volunteering their time to help put on bouts, as opposed to paying to contract out so it's "professional" and "standardized"?<br />What is so right with diluting the basic essence of a very unique sport to keep it "family friendly" to get "major corporate sponsors"? Or simply so a small number of people can make massive amounts of money off the all the hard work we've put in on our own with no help from them to begin with?<br />What don't you like about spending a relatively small amount of money (compared to "professional" sports events) to hang out with your friends, see some awesome girls skate and knock eachother around and more likely than not, go hang out with them at the after party?<br /><br /><br />***I'll add here, I don't skate any more, but continue to participate as a mascot and support person. It has nothing to do with the issues in my manifesto above, but everything to do with the fact that I enjoy being able to do things like bend my knees and move without pain. Yes, I am a wuss.Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-58990289283380871212008-10-15T18:06:00.000-07:002008-10-30T09:49:42.136-07:00Hows about advice for parents on how to keep their child free friends for once?<span class="editor">This is from the "Married, No Kids" section of Bella Online. Thanks for the useless and condescending advice that I've heard about a million and a half times. Maybe, one day, someone will write a column for parents about how to keep their childfree friends...doubtful. It is not my fault that a person chooses to completely upend their life by having children. Nor is it my duty to make my life without children seem sad, lonely or boring when chatting with parents to keep them from getting wistful for the lives they chose to give up.<br /><br /><br />Keeping Friendships with New Moms</span><br />I’ve felt it many times. That dread in the pit of your stomach when a friend announces she’s having a baby.<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">(Kind of , except my dread is more "Why? Why would you do that? Seriously?! The world sucks, and it's not getting any better you know.")</span><br /><br />I panic.<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">(I give up.)</span><br /><br />What will happen to our friendship? Will we still be friends? Will she still have time for me? What on earth will we talk about?<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">(We all know....you will try to be friends, but she won't have time because she can't leave the child with it's father for any length of time, though if you want to hang out with her and the baby, that'd be great because then we can also talk about the baby, while looking at it sleep. Now that sounds like a full pants load of fun.)</span><br /><br />It can be scary, and sad, and depressing. And on top of all that, you feel GUILTY because you aren’t just plain old happy for her.<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">(I don't feel guilty for not being happy for a pregnancy. I do feel odd for feeling so indifferent, but not really, it's just how I am.)</span><br /><br />As you navigate the waters ahead, keep the following things in mind:<br /><br />1. First and foremost, understand that things WILL be different. Your friend is going to have some serious new responsibilities in her life that are going to take up her time, money, and energy. While spontaneous weekend trips to the beach might be a thing of the past (for now – kids do eventually grow up!), there are plenty of other things you can still do together. Meet for lunch, see a movie, go out for coffee. Your friend will surely enjoy the adult company!<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">(First and foremost, understand that things probably haven't changed with your childfree friend's life. They still work, have their hobbies, maintain relationships with others, and may even be following the news. Just because your life has stopp-er changed, don't expect theirs to have done the same.)</span><br /><br />2. She is going to be experiencing things you won’t be able to understand. But you can empathize with her. A pregnant friend might be feeling terrible toward the end of her pregnancy. Even though you’ve never had a baby, you have felt under the weather before. Try to relate the best you can. Bring over a movie and something she’s been craving. She will most definitely appreciate it!<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">(Your friend will continue to experience things you may have once understood, but now have completely changed since you've had a baby. Her life may indeed not revolve around children, a husband (or partner), lactation consultants, baby proofing, diaper changes, the newest and biggest strollers or housekeeping. Her life may indeed revolve around her job, friends, family, partner, hobbies and a myriad of other things. )</span><br /><br />3. As much as you might want to, DO NOT offer parenting advice!! Even if you think you know what you’re talking about, I guarantee your comments will not be appreciated, even if you are relating advice from a co-worker or another friend. But you can offer some resources for her, if you are so inclined. As a historian, I do lots of research on a daily basis. When my sister was having trouble getting my nephew to sleep, I found a couple of books for her on Amazon that I thought might help. I also recognize that I’m not a parent, and what might seem so “easy” to me, probably isn’t.<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">(As much as you want, DO NOT offer unsolicited dating advice, advice on how to get pregnant, how to snag/oops a man, buy a house or where to get the best deal on a huge white wedding gown. Just because your life and priorities have fallen well within the confines of Life Script(tm), don't assume she has any desire whatsoever to go down that path, and may indeed be quite happy with how her life is at this moment. Also remember, commenting on ones judgment and offering parenting advice are two vastly different things. And yes, parents CAN have poor judgment too.)</span><br /><br />4. The people I’ve stayed friends with after parenthood are the ones whose lives have stayed well-rounded. Of course they want to talk about their kids. That’s as natural for them as me wanting to talk about my cats or my job or my vacation plans. That’s what’s important to them right now, and I respect that. But the ones who drone on and on exclusively about their kids are the ones I don’t talk to much anymore. Just like I avoid the people who only want to brag about their promotion or talk incessantly about their animal rescue work or their health problems. Everything in moderation, people!<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">(The reason why your friend doesn't have children might just be that they have no desire whatsoever to have them in their lives. Accept the fact that your friend won't want to talk exclusively about your child, and accept the fact that you will have to hear about their life if you start talking about your life. Oh, and don't get all pissy when you start feeling like your friend's life is totally fabulous and fun. It is, and yours could have been too, but you made the choice to have a child and change your life.)</span><br /><br />5. Don’t start keeping track. If your friend doesn’t return an email or a phone call right away, try to be understanding of her new schedule. And be sensitive to her new lifestyle. When my sister had my nephew last year, I told her that I was reluctant to call her in the evenings. She works all day, and I know she only has a few precious hours with her son before he has to go to bed. Plus he is NOT a good sleeper, and the last thing I wanted was to wake him up with the phone ringing. So I told her to call me when she had the chance. If too many days went by without hearing from her, I’d send her an email to find out when she’d be free to talk for awhile.<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">(Yes, blow her off. Miss your dates and appointments with no notice. Never fulfill an obligation or promise. That said, do not expect your childfree friend to drop everything the moment you do manage to eke out some free time. Their life did not stop when YOU choose to have a child. If you stand them up too much, or only use them for babysitting and favors, and they stop contacting you, you may as well accept the fact that you have lost yourself a friend.)</span><br /><br />6. Babies are huge time-suckers. They will occupy almost every waking moment of your friend’s time. They are dependent on her for every waking need. But this too shall pass. In a few years, your friend’s kids will be older and she will start to loose the dark circles around her eyes. She might even start showering every day again! Be patient. Eventually she will have more time to go out and have some fun with you.<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 153);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">(Maybe, just maybe, if you had the baby with a man you trusted, or with a man who actually wanted to be a father, as opposed to the first sperm donor with the strongest swimmers, you could leave the baby for that person to care for once in a great while, eh? Gee...ya think?! Oh wait, men can't do ANYTHING that would involve caring for something, that's crazy talk!! He'd, like, bury it in the yard, blow it up or install it in the car somehow. So yes, expect your childfree friend to sit by the phone, waiting, hoping, longing for that one day when you finally gets a chance to pull your head out your uterus and decide you can now return to living in society.)</span><br /><br /></span>7. Offer to do something to help your frazzled friend. Bring over the ingredients to make dinner for her and her family, or offer to pick up a pizza or some take-out for them. She will really appreciate the help, and that’s what friends are for, right? (Plus the added bonus is you get to spend some time with her!)<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">(Feel free to pay attention to your friends life and offer some company or help if she's having a bad run of it. Or perhaps consider that your friend might still enjoy spending time with YOU. Take a night off, leave the baby with a responsible person and go to a movie, get some coffee or just hang out together. Talk about things that don't involve the baby (pssst! you can listen to the news, or read, while your child sleeps) Ask your friend how HER life is going, and what's new with her. Feel free to use her as your connection to an enjoyable part of the world you may have lost touch with, music, comics, books, art, sewing...whatever. Don't expect her to show up with a full dinner and a broom if she was never that type of person.)</span><br /><br />8. Sometimes friends grow apart, for all kinds of reasons, and there’s nothing you can do about that. I only exchange Christmas cards now with people I used to talk to on a daily basis. Some have kids, and some don’t. Lives can take many paths, and sometimes our relationships don’t survive. But you will always have the memories you share with them. Different people come into our lives for different reasons at different times. Remember, no one can replace a friend you’ve lost along the way, but don’t close yourself off to making new friends who share common interests with you.<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">(Give up! GIVE UP! Seriously, do you really need some total stranger tell you "it's okay to make new friends"?)</span>Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-22760150892285023402008-09-16T18:06:00.000-07:002008-09-16T18:06:01.041-07:00What if everyone thought like you?I've gotten this a couple times in an attempt to convince me that if everyone thought like me, there would be no more babies, and as a result the entire earth would be depopulated. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Riiiiiiight</span>....that's gonna happen. When someone says that, I know two things...1. they like babies. and 2. they've been thinking about babies and haven't heard a word I said.<br /><br />Go ahead, like babies all you want. I kind of do as well. I like their super soft skin, their tiny digits are cute, it's funny how they all look like tiny Churchill's, they get the best smelling lotion and they don't move very far or very fast. However, none of these are compelling reasons why a person should have one without thinking about it ahead of time, or in spite of their desire to NOT do so.<br /><br />However, if you think I want to keep everyone from experiencing such blissful wonderment, I'm either not expressing myself well enough, or you aren't reading/listening carefully. All I really want are two things:<br />1. I want parents to be honest about their experiences and acknowledge that it's a difficult job that not everyone can, or should, do. I don't want to be fed a line of "butterfly kisses and Kodak moments", I get enough of that from popular culture. I want you, as a parent, to say "This really is a difficult and time consuming job. If you don't do it right, you are fucking up someone <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">else's</span> chances of being a happy and productive person. I've had to change my life radically and well, sometimes I don't actually like it. It's expensive. Everything just doesn't 'fall into place', it's not 'different when it's your own' and it's thankless, messy, chaotic and difficult." See? Easy and honest.<br /><br />2. I want <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">people</span> without children to be able to think ahead of time and decide whether or not having children is the right choice for THEM. If they don't feel it's the right choice, then they should be free to NOT make that choice without the rest of society looking down their nose at them. Having children should not be something you feel obligated to do to make anyone else happy, it should not be something you feel required to do to be a part of society as a whole, it should <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">definitely</span> not be something you "just do". It should be something you WANT and are WILLING to do in spite of the fact that you know about all the work that goes into it.<br /><br />What would happen should these two things EVER happen as commonly as people "just have kids" currently?<br />People would know, without a doubt, what parenting is like. They wouldn't have had smoke blown up their asses by parents spewing "I'd never known happiness before my child", "I didn't want one at first, but then one just came along and now it's great", "My child is the most <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">wondrous</span> thing I've ever experienced without a moment of regret or anger".<br /><br />With accurate knowledge, people could then go through the decision making process with open eyes. Some <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">people</span> do want to do that work, but there are a goodly number of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">people</span> who don't. The people who don't want to do that work could then say "No, not for me" and go on being productive and happy citizens. The people who do want to do that work would enter into it with the full knowledge of what they're in for so they're not surprised at the vast amount of work needed to raise a human to be a productive member of society. As a result, there would be FEWER unwanted and abused kids because...GASP...the people who never wanted them in the first place would not feel compelled to have them!<br /><br />It's disgusting to me to know that for most people, thinking ahead and making a decision as to whether or not to have children is considered "bold" or "unusual", especially if one decides to not have one. No...wait...disgusting isn't a strong enough word....abhorrent, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">contemptable</span>, loathsome, offensive? Yes, it is completely and utterly loathsomely offensive to me that most people do not think for even a moment whether or not to have children, that they just "do it" like animals. Do you take a moment to think before you buy a new car? Did you take half a second to think before you moved to a new apartment? Did you pause a moment before you purchased a house, changed a job, or relocated? Would you take a few seconds and think "do I want my lung removed?" if you were told you had cancerous cells in one? My guess is most parents would say "Yes" to all of the above questions, but when asked "did you think whether or not you wanted kids before you had them?" they would look at you like you just copped a squat and shat the floor.<br /><br />When you do a shitty ass job of raising your kid, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">because</span> you never really wanted one in the first place and "just had one" because it was the thing to do, or you were knocked up anyway or whatever...YOU ARE FUCKING EVERYONE. Your messed up kid will eventually become a messed up adult who will either make your mistakes all over, make someone <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">elses</span> life miserable, and/or have to spend years of their own lives clawing their way to a sense of normalcy and happiness...all because you just "had" them without thinking <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">because</span> it's just "something people do".Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-24216220218263101162008-09-09T18:06:00.000-07:002008-09-16T13:32:45.744-07:00A day in the life of a SAHM.6:30 am - Wake up, wipe sleep from eyes. Find bathrobe somewhere on the floor, put it on. Stumble out of bed, stub toe on toy two year old left on the ground.<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Why do your kids leave their toys in your bedroom? </span><br /><p>6:45 am - Make coffee, spill water on the counter.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">And this is specific to your stay at home life, how? Don't worry, most people probably dribble the water when making coffee, regardless of having children or not.</span><br /></p><p>7:00 am - Wake kids. Return to kitchen, prepare lunches for lunchboxes. Pour cup of coffee, burn hand.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">So it takes you a half hour to wake up and make coffee....but only 15 minutes to make lunches? Ever think of making them the night before?</span><br /></p><p>7:15 am - Wake kids again. Brush teeth, wake up husband.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Your husband can't wake himself up? Seems like a stellar man to make some kids with.</span><br /></p><p>7:20 am - Threaten children with bodily harm if they don't get out of bed. Help kids get dressed.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Your kids can't dress themselves yet? Huh? By the time I was going to school for enough time to eat a packed lunch, I could dress myself. Maybe if you taught your children how to dress themselves, you wouldn't have to spend time on this.</span><br /></p><p>7:30 am - Get kids breakfast and husband a cup of coffee. Pile dishes in the sink.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">And why can't your children or husband help? Oh yeah, the man you made kids with can't roust himself, and the school age children don't know how to dress themselves, thusly making your job even harder and more time consuming.</span><br /></p><p>7:45 am - Instruct children to brush teeth and hair. See husband sipping coffee and reading paper or watching the news on TV (totally oblivious to chaos erupting around him).</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Well, you did it to yourself lady. If you don't expect, OR EVEN ASK, anyone to help they won't and all the tasks will fall to you.</span><br /></p><p>7:50 am - Blot out toothpaste with water from the kid's shirts.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">If they won't do this themselves, maybe they just don't care and can go to school with toothpaste on their shirts...like I do nearly every day. </span><br /></p><p>8:00 am - Load up the van, take kids to school.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Hmmm...you could probably put them on a bus..OR HAVE THEM WALK. If school is a 10 minute drive it's probably reachable by foot.</span><br /></p><p>8:10 am - Arrive at school, wait in drop-off line and hope nobody sees you in your jammies. Drop off kids, narrowly miss hitting child crossing the street.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">See above, I mean seriously...I went to a school that was a half hour bus ride away, and had to RIDE my damn bike there all by myself for summer school.</span><br /></p><p>8:20 am - Arrive home. Husband is showered and dressed and walks out the front door, dripping coffee on the floor as he exits.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Well tell him to wipe it up, damnit. Oh wait, you can't ask him to help, he can't even roust himself from bed, I highly doubt he can manage to work paper towel.</span><br /></p><p>8:30 am - Change baby's diaper and get baby's breakfast ready.</p><p>8:45 am - While baby is eating, clean up kitchen and load dishes in dishwasher.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Wow, you have a dishwasher, that should save some time, right? I've never had a dishwasher, and spend dozens of minutes every couple days doing dishes.</span><br /></p><p>8:50 am - Clean up baby's mess, wipe up floor and pick cheerio's out of your hair.<br /></p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Why is there food in your hair? Were you rolling in the food? Here's a clever hint I learned from my aunt, who had TRIPLETS, put a sheet under the kid. When the kid is done, remove the food from the child, move the child in it's chair off the sheet, wad up the sheet and shake it out the back door. Mess? Clean!</span><br /></p><p>9:00 am - Dress baby.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Ach...why dress a baby? Let it be free!</span><br /></p><p>9:10 am - Make beds and collect laundry.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Whaaa? It only takes you 5 minutes to make beds and gather up laundry, but 10 minutes to dress a baby and a half hour to get your own ass out of bed and coffee made? Weird priorities, but okay. Here's a hint, teach your school age children how to make their own beds and where to put their dirty laundry, that'll free up 5 minutes.</span><br /></p><p>9:15 am - Find two day old diaper in baby's room under pile of clothes.</p><p style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(0, 102, 0);">Tee hee! Isn't that cute and funny? I have feces spread all over my house!<br /></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">And that's why I don't spend much time in the homes of people with children, I'm just not that keen on feces.</span><br /></p><p>9:20 am - Load washing machine.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">10 minutes to load a washing machine, but only 5 minutes to collect laundry and make beds...still so strange.</span><br /></p><p>9:30 am - Play patty cake with baby and watch "Sesame Street".</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Well, at least you're interacting with your child. Infants don't really know from Sesame Street though so you could probably be watching something else.</span><br /></p><p>9:45 am - Zone out watching Big Bird and make lists in your head of things to do.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Yes, babies are fun...for about 15 minutes.</span><br /></p><p>10:00 am - Change laundry from washer to dryer.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Again, 15 minutes to change the loads? Maybe she could alter how she does that and free up like, 10 minutes each time.</span><br /></p><p>10:15 am - Unload dishwasher.</p><p>10:30 am - Prepare baby's snack, nibble on a cracker.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Why don't you take this time to nibble on more than a cracker? Why don't you and baby eat together? I don't have children and even I know it's possible to eat at the same time as them.</span><br /></p><p>11:00 am - Lay baby down for a nap.</p><p>11:15 am - Clean up bathrooms, scrub left over toothpaste from bathroom sink.</p><p>11:30 am - Get dressed.</p><p>12:00 pm - Check email, see urgent email from last week you forgot to return.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Well, at least she knows she can be doing stuff while her child sleeps. Though, a half hour to get dressed, and she's not even going out anywhere? She really is bad with time.</span><br /></p><p>12:30 pm - Wake baby, feed lunch. Eat baby's left over pb&j.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Again, why don't you make and eat your own pb&j at this time? Oh yeah, you're a SAHMartyr who never gets even a second to nourish yourself.</span><br /></p><p>1:00 pm - Change baby, clean up lunch mess.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">See 9am, if you never dressed the baby in the first place then you wouldn't have to change it now.</span><br /></p><p>1:30 pm - Clean up husband's spilt coffee, make cup of coffee for yourself.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Really? A half hour to wipe up some coffee drips and warm up a cup from the pot you made this morning...ooooookaaaaaayyyyy.</span><br /></p><p>2:00 pm - Fold laundry, leave on top of dryer.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Why not take the laundry with when you leave the laundry room? It can't possibly add that much time to distribute it to the rooms of the people whose clothes they are. Oh wait, it can because it takes you a half hour to wipe up coffee drips and warm a cup of coffee.</span><br /></p><p>2:30 pm - Clean up goldfish crackers baby found and spilled and crushed into rug.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">A. the baby didn't just FIND crackers, you gave it crackers. B. If you don't want a baby or rug covered in cracker crumbs, either don't give crackers to a baby or see the hint at 8:50 am.</span><br /></p><p>2:45 pm - Leave to pick up kids from school.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">So this time it's only a 5 minute trip to school? Again, if its this close, why don't they walk? I was able to transport myself to and from school pretty reliably from the time I started attending school. Oh wait, I forgot...there's a line of pedophile murderers waiting in the bushes for the moment your child leaves the school grounds, and if you believe that you maybe should seek some sort of counseling because your kids are more at risk from people they know than the random stranger on the street.</span><br /></p><p>2:50 pm - Listen to kids complain about their teachers and friends.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Stupid kids and their stupid problems. Gee, she sounds like she's really happy with her chosen station in life. Bitter? I hardly knew 'er.</span><br /></p><p>3:00 pm - Pick up husband's dry cleaning.</p><p style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">And your husband can't pick up his own dry cleaning why? Oh, because you've never expected or asked him to lift a finger to help...okay.</p><p>3:15 pm - Run to grocery store</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Ahhhh...this solves one mystery which is why people feel the need to bring their children with them to the grocery store instead of leaving them at home with the other genetic donor.</span><br /></p><p>4:00 pm - Return home, find dry cleaning in a pile on the floor of van that baby must have pulled down.<br /></p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Good thing it comes with hangers.</span><br /></p><p>4:15 pm - Unload groceries, find 2 boxes of sugar cereal you're sure you didn't put in the cart.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Really? You really didn't notice the two neon colored, cartoon character adorned boxes when the clerk was taking each individual item out of your cart and scanning it? I guess it is hard to see things when your head is shoved up your ass.</span><br /></p><p>4:30 pm - Start homework, look for pencils for 15 minutes.<br /></p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Yeah, your children should have pencils in their school bags because they need pencils at school. LOOK IN THEIR BAGS!!</span><br /></p><p>4:45 pm - Help with homework, racking brain to remember how to add fractions.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">If you don't know how to add fractions anymore, be honest and have your kids ask their teacher. They should be doing their OWN homework, you doing it for them doesn't help them learn.</span><br /></p><p>5:00 pm - Start dinner. Place pencils in secure location.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">What the fuck? Your kids are old enough to go to school all day, but can't dress themselves, walk the 15 minutes to school or be trusted with pencils? Have fun wiping their asses when you're 60.</span><br /></p><p>5:30 pm - Referee argument between children.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Or you could just send them to their respective rooms for a time out, or to finish their homework. Wait, you've done such a crappy job that they can't be trusted alone....sucks to be you.</span><br /></p><p>6:00 pm - Greet husband, serve dinner, pile dishes in sink. Listen about husband's stressful day.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Lesseee, you had a leisurely morning playing with baby, drinking coffee, doing dishes and laundry, and yet you seem bitter to hear your husband complain about his day working for pay on someone elses schedule. What a bastard he must be.</span><br /></p><p>6:45 pm - Drop off son at cub scout meeting.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">And the father of this child can't do this, why? Because to you he's just a wallet and sperm donor and can not be expected to serve any purpose beyond that apparently.</span><br /></p><p>7:00 pm - Return home. Start dinner dishes.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">If you had a decent relationship built on mutual respect, he might have started the dinner dishes while you were dropping off the kid. But you don't....sucks to be you.</span><br /></p><p>7:30 pm - Bathe baby. Get drenched like a visit to Niagra Falls.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Of course he couldn't possibly do this, only women can bathe babies. Men, when given a baby and soapy water will pour the water over ice and drink it, and try to smoke the baby.</span><br /></p><p>7:50 pm - Read story, sing one lullaby, put baby to bed.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Men also can not put children to bed. Men will end up playing darts and watching porn with them. Guys will be guys!</span><br /></p><p>8:00 pm - Pick up son from cub scout meeting, agree to give friend a ride home.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">And the children's father can't do this why? Is he a drunk who lost his license? Did he molest another cub scout? Get in a fight with the pack leader?</span><br /></p><p>8:30 pm - Arrive home, start nighttime showers.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Ahhh yes, your school age children who can't dress themselves or be trusted with pencils can't possibly bathe themselves. It must be very difficult to have several special needs children.</span><br /></p><p>9:00 pm - Put older children to bed.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Nighty night!! Daddy can't because your daddy likes to touch little kids in their swimming suit parts.</span><br /></p><p>9:30 pm - Finish dinner dishes, wipe kitchen counters.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Daddy can't...daddy drinks for the government.</span><br /></p><p>9:45 pm - Sit with husband, lie about how great your day was. Listen to husband complain about how he is the only one who works at his company.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">What's so bad about your damned day? You played with the baby that you supposedly love more than anything in the world, you did some laundry and picked up shit around the house. Sounds pretty fucking alright to me.</span><br /></p><p>10:15 pm - Announce that you're tired and off to bed.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Lie to get out of yet another miserable attempt at conversation.</span><br /></p><p>10:20 pm - Walk past laundry room, take more clothes out of dryer, fold.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Hey! Take those clothes with you!</span><br /></p><p>10:30 pm - Visit www.families.com<br /></p><p style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Or open mouth, insert gun and sit quietly for 10 minutes while tears stream down your cheeks. Spend 5 minutes putting gun back in drawer when you realise that if you kill yourself, Drunky McPedophile, the father of your children will be in charge of them.</span><br /></p><p>10:45 pm - Put baby back in her own room.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Didn't you put the baby to bed in her own room? Perhaps if you did in the first place, you wouldn't have to spend 15 minutes doing it now.</span><br /></p><p>11:00 pm - Arrive in bedroom, get in bed.</p><p>11:30 pm - Dose off.</p><p>11:45 pm - Sit straight up and remember that you offered to make cookies for kids school the next day.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Well, you did that to yourself. If your day truly is so busy, you should have said no.</span><br /></p><p>11:50 pm - Write note to self reminding self to pick up store bought cookies before school.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Yeah, with this tight schedule filled to the brim with important activities that only you can do, I don't see how you'll ever find the time to go to the store before school and get cookies.</span><br /></p><p>12:00 am - Check, then recheck alarm.</p><p>12:15 am - Hear husband coming up stairs.</p><p>12:18 am - Pretend to be sleeping.</p><p><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Nice way to avoid having non-procreative sex with your husband. You obviously aren't tired, but...well, say hello to "OMG! I can't believe my husband is cheating on me!"</span><br /></p><p>12:30 am - Dose off again.</p><p style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Oh there's that dream again, you know the one where you never had kids in the first place and instead spend your days working at a job with other adult people and return home to be with your loving husband who respects you enough to help out around the house, who you can talk to, and who you still have really awesome sex with.</p><p>12:45 am - Sleep!</p><p style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">And have that dream where you weren't a total failure as a mother and wife. Where your school age children are able to dress themselves, put their dirty laundry in hampers, make their own beds, get themselves the 10 blocks to school, handle pencils and wash themselves. Where your husband respects the work you do and helps raise the children he made with you. Where you didn't have to pretend to be tired and go to bed to avoid talking to him, where you didn't have to pretned to be asleep so he wouldn't paw your ass in a furtive attempt to make love to you.</span><br /></p>Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-77510451754897271622008-08-29T18:06:00.000-07:002008-08-29T12:13:49.323-07:00Idiot bomb 2, Electric Boogaloo<div>Some more nuggets of joy for to keep my brain from '<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">sploding</span>.<br /><br />9. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Coirkers</span> who seem to always succumb to "illness" on days they're assigned to cover, whenever the boss isn't here, or even more annoyingly on days when they've agreed to cover for another. Simply put, I fail to see how you can manage to be legitimately ill 80% of your shifts. I'm all for mental health days, and slack, but can't you think of the people you're fucking once? Or give us a kiss, at least I like that when I'm being fucked. Why not, suck it up, go in and do the distasteful job you were hired to do, and be "sick" on a day when you don't have much of anything to do? It will decrease the amount of stink eye you get on the rare days you do come in.<br /></div><div></div><br /><div>10. Parents who complain about how hard it is to be a parent.<br />Here's how I found out parenting was hard, and that I didn't want to do it. I have aunts, uncles and as a result cousins. I have parents of my own, and grandparents as well. I've actually worked in child care. I've known children and been a child myself. Essentially, I used my observational skills and then used logic and reason to think, "Based on what I've observed, is this something easy to do?" The answer I brilliantly came up with was "No". In fact, I thought "That sucks balls, I'm glad I'm not doing it all the time". Seriously, by now everyone should know that parenting is a difficult, expensive, time consuming job. It's not a big secret. If you think having children is going to be all butterfly kisses, baby powder and Kodak moments, you are a deluded mental case who SHOULD NOT have children. You should, in fact, be sterilized until you've proven that you know what kind of unending <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">crapass</span> job raising children is. Don't fucking complain to me about a situation you willingly put yourself in.</div><div></div><br /><div>11. Men who tell me I'm beautiful.<br />I'm know I'm not and I highly doubt you think so. What I do know is that I'm a lumpy, poorly dressed, unruly haired, smeary glasses mess. And telling me I'm beautiful is <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">definitely</span> NOT the butter that's going to get my buns. Really? Beauty? That's considered a compliment? <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Smeh</span>. Kind of worthless in my book, and almost an insult. In my experience, beautiful people are vapid. Beautiful people care most about appearance. Beauty is very temporary. Why not wait 4 minutes and give an actual compliment? I'm quite funny, have a decent smile, am relatively smart, helpful and can talk to just about any one. That said, just because I gave you the time of day doesn't mean I'm looking to start a relationship, and certainly not with a man who seems to cast a Very Wide Net. Go away now, I'm not wearing clean underwear anyway.<br /></div><div></div><br /><div>12. Mechanic-I mean Car Fuckers.<br />I've NEVER had a mechanic who didn't eventually try to fuck me. I've driven college funds for mechanic's children most of my life so I know just enough about cars to know what's broken, but not enough to how to fix it. I've had the same parts replaced, and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">rereplaced</span>. I've had diagnostic checks that cleared my bank account, but no diagnosis. I've had shitty repair jobs that only caused more problems. I've had repair jobs that could have resulted in my, or <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">another's</span> death. I've had repair jobs where I wasn't told about another broken part in the same vicinity with the hopes that I'd come back with even more resultant repairs. I know enough about cars now to know when I'm being fucked by a mechanic, unfortunately they're <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">wily</span> and always manage to find something new wrong. If you want to be a mechanic so you can buy a new boat, 8th mansion or solid gold enema kit, kindly rip out your own jugular with a monkey wrench. ( if you are a decent mechanic who actually takes pride in fixing things so they work better than they did when you got them, and isn't planning on turning evil in the next 40 years please contact me.)<br /></div><br /><div></div>13. Republicans<br /><div>Is there some reason why they're the most frightened people on earth? I mean, these folks are afraid of EVERY FUCK THING. "Yikes! Gays exist!!", "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">OMG</span>!! I think those people in that house on the next block are smoking pot and minding their own business!", "The horror!!! A woman wanting to work and control her reproduction!!", "I'm afraid a black man will look at me!", "Run!! Mexicans are being recruited and hired illegally by my giant corporation to make me more profits!", "But if everyone had health care we'd be socialist like those scary, gray jumpsuit wearing Canadians", "I'm afraid of people who aren't like me, I need to live somewhere with a big fence around it.", "Atheists don't believe in HELL! How will I keep one from pulling out and showing me my still beating heart?!" Seriously, people this terrified should not own guns...it's dangerous.<br /><br />14. Single Bike Critical Mass<br />I understand riding a bike, it's fun. I understand why our city invested millions of dollars on bike paths, bike lanes, and "bike friendly" corridors, for safety and because the bikers wanted it. Hell, we've got bike paths with street bike lanes next to them! What I do not understand is why one would chose to make a fun, relaxing bike ride into a stressful, dangerous "single bike critical mass" by riding their bike down a congested road in the middle of rush hour when a block in one direction is a dedicated bike path with NO cars, and a block in the other direction is a bike corridor consisting of a wide, rarely traveled residential street.<br /><br />15. Lance Armstrong Impersonators<br />That said, how much energy is saved and/or how much faster do you actually go when you're decked out in your "super hero" Lance Armstrong gear to ride your bike to/from work? Do you know how much you look like a douche? I know that you don't want to wear sweaty office clothes all day, but what ever happened to just wearing some sweat pants and a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">teeshirt</span> you already had lying around? For some unknowable reason, they've got to wear a special little spandex outfit that they paid extra for because its special and lets everyone know how special they are. I understand if you're training for, or actually riding in, a bike race and need to reduce drag, or are riding your bike for dozens of miles a day and wearing the padded pants because your crotch goes all numb...and that's fine. But seriously, there are thousands of people tooling around my town all the time in this shit, and there is no way on earth that they're all in training for the Tour <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">d'France</span>. I'm starting to believe they're just folks who like to show the world that they have ALL the special things for riding their bikes because THEY take their HOBBY much more seriously than the rest of us mouth breathers. Why don't you just cash out your money, take it to a homeless shelter, make a pile and burn it?<br /></div><div> </div><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">If you don't want to read me rip into parents whose children have died, you might want to go away now... consider yourself warned.</span><br /><br /><br /><br /><div>16. Parents who leave their children to die sealed in cars and then get off <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">scott</span> free because they've "been through enough already".<br />I have a REAL difficult time believing this as it makes NO logical sense to me. From all I've been told, having children is the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">penultimate</span> human <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">achievement</span>, it's life changing, you will know love and/or happiness for the first time, you will do anything and everything for them and even if you never wanted them in the first place it will all change when they arrive because it's always different when it's your own. And yet.....AND YET one can some how become so busy they simply FORGOT that they put this <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">wonderful</span>, magical, most important thing in their life in the car? Seriously? FORFUCKINGGOT?!<br />I. Don't. Buy. It. My aunt and uncle raised TRIPLETS as well as a daughter, which IS an all consuming job, and managed to never leave a single one in the car. In fact, I've never known any sane parent who could simply "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Whooops</span>? Where's my baby who I propose to love more than anything in the world? I don't remember!" I go to rock shows and I like being in an altered state. In fact, I've been so altered that I don't remember the ends of shows and yet...AND YET, I've NEVER just left someone passed out at a show to be molested. Simply put, if a drunk like me can go to a show with 10 similar drunks, and we can all manage to leave together...and don't forget, WE'RE DRUNK...and I might add, none of us pushed any other of us out their vagina for X-number of hours...I fail to see how a sober parent who truly is doing the most important job in the world can forget they have put THEIR OWN child in a car, ever. </div>Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-19784607409499769592008-08-25T18:06:00.000-07:002008-08-29T12:00:08.247-07:00Stupidist. Article. Ever.<span style="font-size:100%;"><a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/main.jhtml?xml=/education/2008/08/16/fachildless116.xml">Children? Who needs them?</a></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 102, 0);font-size:100%;" ><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">More properly entitled, "Bitter? I Hardly Knew 'Er".</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><!--NO VIEW--><p></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">J</span><span style="font-size:100%;">an Barden on the couples who are happy to live without offspring</span></p><p class="story2"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);font-size:100%;" >Wow, Jan, thanks for enlightening us. I did not know couples COULD be happy to live without offspring.</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">Cuddle a baby, scented and sleepy fresh from the bath, and you feel you could die of joy. <span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">BINGO! Lessee, that's what? Like 5-10 minutes out of a day?</span>But catch a fractious toddler kicking the corner tin out of a stack of baked beans in the supermarket and you could kill from rage. <span style="color: rgb(0, 102, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">And that's the other 23.80 hours of the day, and you're wondering why folks aren't clamoring for a slab of that?</span> </span>That's parenting: a seesaw of emotions that can have you acting like Mother Teresa one moment, Pol Pot the next. And, like a runaway train, once you step aboard this ride, there's no getting off. Ever.</span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">Imagine that, not EVERYONE wants their lives turned completely upside down to make society, or Jan Barden, happy. </span><br /></span></p><table width="295" align="right" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" hspace="0"><tbody><tr><td rowspan="2" width="8"> <span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></td><td width="287"><center><span style="font-size:100%;"><img alt="Karen Sparey and Redmond Prendeville" src="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/graphics/2008/08/16/fachildless116.jpg" width="287" border="0" height="400" /></span></center></td></tr><tr><td class="caption"><center><span style="font-size:100%;">Child-free and easy: Karen Sparey and Redmond Prendeville 'I have never felt I am missing out,' she says - and certainly not on tears and tantrums</span></center></td></tr></tbody></table><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">Yet some of us go along with it again and again. Biology is to blame. Once we are caught in the blinding headlights of hormones, we rarely stop to think if children will change our lives for the better.<span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);"> </span><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">BINGO!</span> We simply want a baby. And what our generation wants, it just has to have.</span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">Yet some of us just don't have the ability to say "no" to our biology. Must. Have. Baby. Now. Damn the consequences! Don't forget to pity me because I have no control and have no ability to think ahead.</span><br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">But the downy babies grow into bum-fluffed teenagers and fill our homes with cheesy socks and atmospheres as tense as a dentist's waiting-room. Our finances dwindle and then vanish as we face up to the chilly reality of school and university fees.</span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 102, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">You are correct!! And yet, you seem cheesed that everyone hasn't just put on the ol' blinders and jumped in like you</span>.</span><br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">We try hard not to resent our childless friends, who, in comparison with us, breeze through their lives flashing more cash, getting more sleep and having more fun and freedom. "Marrakesh next weekend?" they murmur to each other. "Why not?"</span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">And again, Bed. Made. Lie. So you've chosen to remain friends with people you obviously resent? Why should I care? Oh, and thanks for painting the childfree with the broad brush of wealthy irresponsibility. Listen, bitch, I work hard for the meager pittance I receive. I won't be going to Marrakesh next weekend because I can not pay for it. In fact, there are LOTS of things I can't pay for...a house, a new car, a dog, dental care, a new computer AND, gasp, even a baby. Of course, I don't want a baby, but I couldn't pay for one anyway.</span><br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">They must be so happy. Or are they?<span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);"> </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 102, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">BINGO!</span> </span> Could they just be filling their empty days with conspicuous consumerism to mask an aching loneliness and fear of a solitary old age? <span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">BINGO!</span><br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">Wow, could I have some crackers with that tripe? Who will take care of me when I get old? I'm terrified! You must be so lonely without children hanging off you 24-7. What on earth do you do with ALL that free time you have, cry in your soup?</span><br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">Apparently not. Those who have chosen not to become parents are, on the whole, pretty pleased with their decision. At the extreme end of the scale, some are smug and others are aggressively evangelical. Many prefer the term child-free to childless, which implies, to them, some sort of loss. It's quite the opposite, they insist in large numbers in internet chat rooms.</span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 102, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">How DARE you be happy to not have children!! How DARE you try to connect with like-minded people!!! Mothers NEVER do this...NEVER! and then she adds the "You doth protest too much" b.s. "It must be the opposite if you say you're happy without children...no one could possibly be happy without having complete and total responsibility to raise other beings."</span></span><br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">There's certainly a lot of them around: projections by the Office for National Statistics suggest that, of women born in 1973, 23 per cent - nearly a quarter - will not have had children by the time they hit 45.</span></p><p style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);" class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 102, 0);">And the point is? No really, what's the point? I'm surprised she didn't go on about the evils of feminism, birth control and working.</span></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">These are not the sad old "aunties" of yesteryear. Take 43-year-old Karen Sparey, an account administrator for a recruitment company. Child-free and fresh from an off-peak holiday in Cyprus, she says: "I feel I have a nice life. I have never felt I was missing out. <span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">Happy with your life? You selfish bitch!</span><br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">"I don't think that it was ever a conscious decision to not have children until after I was 30. I have about five girlfriends who don't have children and none of them is bothered about it. It did start out as joke that we would wait until after the millennium as we thought it was going to be such a big party and we would never get a sitter.<span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);"> </span><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">BINGO! Yes, most people decide to not have children simply because they're irresponsible party animals.</span><br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">"There has never been any pressure from my family. My mum's cool and never asked about grandchildren. Anyway, my sister Helen has two boys.<br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">"Despite working full-time I spend lots of time doing things I like. I swim at least two mornings a week and play netball, which if I had children I could maybe still do, but not be able to sit in the pub afterwards - guilt-free."</span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">BITCH!! WHORE!!! HARLOT!!!! What a piece of work! She dared to not just have children the moment she was physically able, and in fact just let it slide like crap out of a goose? Her horrible parent's aren't DEMANDING grandbabies from her? And to top it all off, she's not a sad, lint-knitting, cat collecting, lonely spinster!! MONSTER!!</span><br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">Sparey, who lives in Beckenham, Kent, says her partner, Redmond Prendeville, is equally happy with her choice and she faces the future without fear. "I can't say whether or not I will regret not having had children or grandchildren when I am older. There's nothing to say that those children you cared for and looked after are going to be there to do the same for you. And if they are, will they do it out of genuine love or just because that's what's expected?"</span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">AND she's not filled with abject TERROR at the future? I mean, who will put her in an old folks home and force her to spend the last years of her life waiting hopefully for the obligatory yearly visit if not her children? WHO?!</span><br /></span></p><table width="308" align="left" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" hspace="0"><tbody><tr><td width="300"><center><span style="font-size:100%;"><img alt="Little terrors" src="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/graphics/2008/08/16/fachildless216.jpg" width="300" border="0" height="248" /></span></center></td><td rowspan="1" width="8"> <span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></td></tr></tbody></table><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">Many child-free women are resentful that the workplace often seems skewed in favour of mothers, who may appear to work "kinder" hours or get extra time off. But Sparey has a more generous attitude: "I am sure they're not going home to put their feet up, unlike me. When I have a day off work, it means time to do nice things, not catch up on the ironing or take a little one to the doctor for an ailment.<br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">"That's not to say I don't go 'Ahh' at the Johnson's Baby advertisements, but I do that over kittens and puppies, too. I just like my life and am not sure that a child would improve it - but I know it would change it."</span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">How DARE you not want your life changed! How DARE you like your life!!!</span><br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">It's a seductive argument and recent surveys in the US and Europe have indicated that childless married couples are "happier" than those with families. <span style="color: rgb(0, 102, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">Yeah, put that "happy" in quotes Jan, after all no one can know true "happiness" until they have children, right?</span> </span>But research can work both ways. A new study at Texas Children's Hospital in Houston has shown that a baby's smile gives its mother a natural high, triggering parts of the brain that deal with sensations of reward and pleasure - the "feelgood" parts that also respond to drugs and drink. <span style="color: rgb(0, 102, 0);">BINGO!</span>At least a baby is legal.</span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">Mmmm, my bingo card is filling up quite nicely. I'm sure that Texas study has NOTHING whatsoever to do with natural endorphins any humans body releases after something completely and horrifyingly painful. I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with the fact that some of these women might actually have wanted a child. Yesssss...I'm sure it just magically becomes all different when it's your own, even if you never wanted it, after all no parents ever abuse their children. </span><br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">And it brings with it hidden advantages. Breastfeeding, for instance, reduces a woman's chances of rheumatoid arthritis as well as breast and ovarian cancer. It also helps to maintain bone density. <span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">BINGO!</span><br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">And that's the PERFECT reason to have a child, to keep YOU safe and healthy. She doesn't mention that women who have children have greater amounts of tooth loss, or higher rates of obesity, stress or poverty. Two things to know... 1. breast feeding only reduces CHANCES and 2. there is NO escape from death.</span><br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">That may offset to some extent the broken nights, toddler tantrums and teenage terrors to come.</span></p><p style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);" class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 102, 0);">Suuuuuree. It makes total sense to do something completely voluntary, permanent and life chang-upsetting that you have no desire to do in the off chance that it might reduce the mere chance that you might die of some illness. And totally selfless as well. "Honey, I had you to decrease the possibility of getting sick from something".</span></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">WHY</span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">Seriously? She's listing these as reasons for creating new humans? Is there any way she could be more flippant, selfish or thoughtless?</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 102, 0);"> </span><br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">You will:</span></p><table width="100%" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr><td><li><span class="listory" style="font-size:100%;">Learn unexpected new skills such as how to administer a suppository.</span></li><li><span class="listory" style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">Hey! I DO know how to administer a suppository, I've had yeast infections.</span><br /></span></li><li><span class="listory" style="font-size:100%;">Finally understand the offside rule.</span></li><li><span class="listory" style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">Don't play that game, thusly I don't care. Plus, I'm pretty sure something like READING would help me learn and understand that rule.</span><br /></span></li><li><span class="listory" style="font-size:100%;">Discover that Homer wasn't just a Greek poet.</span></li><li><span class="listory" style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">Stupid much? Firstly, most people you ask will say "Simpson" before "greek poet" any day you ask about a Homer. Secondly, the Simpsons have been on TV for at least 15 fucking years, if you don't know there's a Homer Simpson, you SHOULD NOT be breeding.</span><br /></span></li><li><span class="listory" style="font-size:100%;">Never have to wrestle with the DVD player again.</span></li><li><span class="listory" style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">Again, if you are too stupid to operate a DVD player, you are TOO STUPID TO RAISE A HUMAN. </span><br /></span></li><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">WHY NOT</span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">Wow, she says these like they're BAD or something.</span><br /></span></p><p class="story2"><span style="font-size:100%;">You can:</span></p><li><span class="listory" style="font-size:100%;">Head for the pub instead of dull parents' evenings.</span></li><li><span class="listory" style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">YAY!</span><br /></span></li><li><span class="listory" style="font-size:100%;">Sing along in the car with Pavarotti rather than with Postman Pat.</span></li><li><span class="listory" style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">Double fucking YAY!! 800% of children's music is unlistenable crap that makes everyone in the vicinity stupider. </span><br /></span></li><li><span class="listory" style="font-size:100%;">Eat at Mirabelle, not McDonald's.</span></li><li><span class="listory" style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">Gee, what? Jan thinks it's bad to not just shove crap in your hole to simply fill your stomach? Like it's bad to go eat a meal with knives and forks and napkins off of plates. I am so glad I do not know Jan's hell.</span><br /></span></li><li><span class="listory" style="font-size:100%;">Run for the hills when someone mentions nits.</span></li><li><span class="listory" style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">I know I'm missing out on picking parasites from a child's head like the rest of the primates, but my honest opinion is that I am glad that I will never have to do that. I've got enough of a problem with the cats and their fleas, thank you very little.</span><br /></span></li></td></tr></tbody></table>Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-42523928606036341102008-08-20T06:06:00.000-07:002008-08-29T11:48:00.679-07:00Idiot Bomb.One of the forums (forua? foruii?) I participate in had an idea called an "Idiot Bomb". Basically, if you had a bomb that would only eliminate certian ass clowns, who would those ass clowns be?<br /><br />Ass Clowns.<br />1. People of means who move to an area and then complain about it. I've read several distubing articles about people who move to a rural area, like a fake residental area in the middle of farm land, and then complan about the SMELL and the FLIES. And what's more, they want a law passed to take care of the smell. First, you're the one who chose to leave the big, bad, scary city (and trust me, my city is like living in a goddamned cream puff) and move onto what was, up until maybe 2 years ago FARM LAND. Second, those farmers your whining about ruining our outside play time 6 days a year are the ones who grow the food on YOUR table, and those farmers need to fertilize their crops. You should be fucking glad that you can smell the fertilizer, because that means they're using something NATURAL that might not KILL YOU. How fucking DUMB does one have to be to think that shit don't stink? Die. Now.<br /><br />2. The 10% of the population who don't use their blinkers to make their drive "more exciting". I can't find the study, my husband heard about it on the radio, told me and the above was what I remembered. If you fall in this category please stop reading, douse the interior of your car in gasoline, get in, close the door and light a match because you are a worthelss fuck who deserves to die in just this manner. Unfortunately you will probably just cause such a crash and get off scott free. In fact, if you do anything like speed, tailgate, cut people off, don't read traffic signs or come to screeching stops in the middle of the street to make your drive "more exciting", feel free to follow my above suggesti-demand as well.<br /><br />3. Whatever percentage of people who don't use their blinkers because they're "too lazy" can also get fucked. If you are too lazy to move ONE GODDAMNED FINGER less than 3 inches to the blinker lever, you should be caged, intubed and force fed like a pate goose until your liver explodes.<br /><br />*4. People who bring children into bars, and then expect the bar to be a safe and wholesome space for children. I hope your children all grow up to be alcholic clowns who beat your elderly ass with their big shoes while they care for you. It's A BAR, most of the people there had to show identification to get in which makes it an ADULT SPACE where people do ADULT THINGS. Do I go to Chuck-E-Cheeze, drink a bladder exploding amount of beer and expect everyone to laugh uproariously while I teach the children what "whiff test" means? No, I do not, because I know that is not wanted there. Likewise, I do not want to you and your family showing up to my bar expecting me, and the rest of the grown ups, to behave as though we are day care teachers. Trust me when I say the only day care teachers in bars are the ones trying to clear their minds of the horrors you and your children inflict on them...for minimum wage no less!<br /><br />5. Evangelical end-times christians. If you are actively working to acheive whatever wacko goals you fictional book sets up for the end of the world...trust me, you are not needed here. I may have been raised an athiest, but I know for damn certian that the Jesus you claim to "worship" isn't down with that shit. Beyond that, how could you even be considered human? Humans want to live, humans want others to live, humans like living. You? Not human, I'd say scum, but I wouldn't want to insult it. Hang yourself now and quit wasting the rest of our oxygen. Plus, why the fuck would you want to piss off Skydaddy by fucking up what you say he made for you?<br /><br />6. Religious types with persecution complexes. GET OFF THE CROSS, SOMONE ELSE NEEDS THE WOOD. What more do you want???? A law to get everyone who isn't you to tongue wash your dumper? Guess what - YOU ALREADY HAVE EVERY FUCK THING. You control all sectors of the government, all electorial candidates, what happens in most schools, hosptials, colleges, libraries, clinics and your religious busines- I mean churches are TAX FREE meaning they don't have to provide ONE IOTA of support to the communities they occupy. Jebus crisp, maybe try to get the shit you already control working right and then I'll let you stick your nose up my ass while I'm in my bedroom.<br /><br />7. Mothers who bring their children EVERYWHERE because they can't trust the father to care for them for a couple hours, or some such nonesense. If you truly believe the best achievement a person can have is a child, if it is indeed the greatest thing you've ever accomplished or that it's The Most Important Job In The World, why did you do it with a man you don't trust? I mean, are you stupid, evil or some combination of both? Children are essentially helpless until, well, I don't know, but I know they're helpless for a while, and for a longer while they're much smaller than adults. Why would you make something like that with a person who you can't even trust enough to look after it for 2 hours while it naps? Why do you have to instead take that child (or those children) to the grocery store, during nap time, at the height of crankyness and irritation? Here's a hint: if you make kids with a responsible adult, that person is capable of watching them without putting them in the microwave, or leaving them on the curb with the recycling.<br /><br />8. And speaking of recycling, I hate people who complain about other people trying to live "greener". There's a local talk radio host who revels in his disgust at people using their own bags, driving hybred cars, recycling or doing anything out of the usual to be a little more conscious of their consumption. He, of course, has dozens of callers who agree. Seriously, why the hell do you care if I use canvas bags for my shopping? I don't do it because I want to feel better than others (I'm a Subgenius, I KNOW I'm better). I, and most other people, do it because it's actually more convenient. When I use canvas bags, I can usually carry my entire shopping trip in one load, which is AWESOME. I'm sorry if you don't understand the concept "don't shit where you eat" (which is pretty much what we're all doing with cars, plastics and all that), but if you'd like I'll come over to your house and illustrate why we don't do that.<br /><br />Okay, my cup of irritation at humaity is bottomless, so I'll just end now. And start anew later.<br /><br /><br /><br />*Listen, I'm all for kids in bars. I live in an area of the country where it's pretty much part of the culture. It's a valuable way for children to learn the fun, and dangers, of drinking. That said, my parents never ever expected the patrons to act any differently in my presence. I'm a better person for that.Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-74004001027812816682008-06-25T18:06:00.000-07:002008-06-26T18:51:14.340-07:00Pom, no longer wonderful.I love Pom, producers of fine pomegranate juice products. They're yummy. Unfortunately, recently I've had to limit my consumption of Pom to their juice/tea blends due to the packaging. You see, I've become aware of the growing island of plastic in our ocean, and have decided to try to limit the amount of plastic packaging in my life starting with the easiest, beverage containers. I've limited myself to glass, aluminium or paper containers. Yeah, it's not much, but as a harm reductionist, doing something is always better than nothing.<br /><br />Anyway, now Pom has decided to change their juice/tea containers from these awesome, and endlessly reusable, glass bottles...<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8CyI_MWpnQkxNe4g6LXa29etvyEorvgSMGBurVWx8CHFp7U0Hu6TRTOiO4ysUnIeJ48mhpFInVtmQtK9TlhRGZjLy1D-piiEFj_DPlZHcrSWcHAyv8tFS47ohudYdlA3CEbUoTA/s1600-h/pom.tea.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8CyI_MWpnQkxNe4g6LXa29etvyEorvgSMGBurVWx8CHFp7U0Hu6TRTOiO4ysUnIeJ48mhpFInVtmQtK9TlhRGZjLy1D-piiEFj_DPlZHcrSWcHAyv8tFS47ohudYdlA3CEbUoTA/s320/pom.tea.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5215516411157914738" border="0" /></a><br />With their wide mouth and actually functioning lids, they were pretty much perfect for a variety of storage tasks beyond refilling with liquid. I've started plant cuttings in them, I keep one in my car to refill with water, I've used them to store tacks, screws, nails and other small things, and would use them to store nuts, grains, seeds and other similar food products.<br /><br />As they excitedly announced on their website, "Glass dismissed", and touted the benefits of plastic (which NEVER biodegrades) as being:<br />Recyclable - though did you know that more than 3/4ths of plastic is never recycled?<br />Less energy to produce - though it's still made from petroleum (it's more than gas folks)<br />Less energy to transport - I don't know how they figure this. They've increased the size of the product, meaning it weighs about the same as the smaller, reusable, glass bottle.<br /><br />On top of that, they've devolved to the traditional, and practically useless, small mouth bottle design. This means that they're pretty much only good for liquid storage, unless you cut the top off, but then you lose the resealable aspect that made the glass bottles so useful. One can only reuse so many plastic beverage bottles as water containers before they have to start throwing them out. Reuse is always more ecologically friendly than recycling because you don't need to spend the energy to transport the stuff to the recycling center, or to break it down and recreate it into a new product.<br /><br />Anyway, I've written them a letter expressing my dismay at their foolish choice. If you agree, feel free to write them as well. customerservice@pomwonderful.comFeh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-62446275141680366982008-06-23T06:06:00.000-07:002008-06-26T20:21:44.352-07:00Statements are judgements, not questions.This is another excerpt from a post on <a href="http://thebritgirl.com/">The Brit Girl's</a> site.<br /><br />The 63 statements/judgments to the child free...and my responses. Seriously, some people are so rude.<br /><br />Every woman wants children <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Oh you! So dumb! </span><br />Having children is a natural part of life <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- So is shitting, you want me to do that now, on the rug? This is the one thing I can control, so what's your point?</span><br />Children are the future <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- THAT'S why I don't have a jet pack, because asshats like you put off on the kids what could be done today. Maybe, instead of hoping that your children do something better in the future, you should do something NOW. The future is the future.</span><br />There’s nothing more important than being called Mummy. Or Daddy or parent. <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- That's your opinion. In my opinion, there's nothing more important than working to make peoples lives better NOW. Some people think there's nothing more important than being called Master. or Slave. </span><br />It’s different when they’re your own <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Yeah, tell that to the millions of parents who abuse their children, unless by different you mean "easier to get away with abusing".</span><br />You’ll regret it if you don’t have children <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- I'm sensible, I can deal with regret. If you are so sensitive that you can't deal with the possibility of regret, you shouldn't have children...you should have pills.</span><br />Children are your way of giving back <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- No, they're YOUR excuse for not doing anything beyond your own family. My way of giving back involves actually working to make my community better.</span><br />You’ll change your mind when (fill in blank…) <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Riiiiiiight...I'll let you know when that happens.</span><br />You’ll grow out of it <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- I'm 38, so let me know when that's supposed to happen.</span><br />You’re missing out on life (if you don’t have children) <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- How do you feel about this statement, "You're missing out on life if you don't drop acid?" Don't cotton to it? Now you know how I feel.</span><br />Once you have them, you will love them <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Or regret them, and be forced to do a crap-ass job of raising them...if they're lucky. Personally, I'd rather just limit my regrets to my own person.</span><br />People who don’t have kids are unloved <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Tell that to my husband, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, inlaws...and friends. People who have kids simply to feel loved are sad.</span><br />People who don’t have kids are lonely <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Lonely? Hell, if I have enough relations and friends to start my own damn state...I have to actively WORK at being alone, just like you parents. Only I get to shit, shower, sleep and screw in peace.</span><br />You don’t leave a legacy if you don’t have kids <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Leaving a legacy means what, exactly? Millions of childed, and child free, people have left this mortal coil without leaving any significant trace, and I see no problem with that. What a selfish reason to create another being.</span><br />Your life will be empty without kids <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- No, it is filled with the freedom to do the things I enjoy. Your life must be quite narrow in scope if you think that children are the be all end all of existence.</span><br />Having kids is what you do <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- As a HUMAN, I don't just DO things, I think them through and weigh the pros and cons. If the cons outweigh the pros, then I choose NOT to do them. As an ANIMAL, reproducing is something you "just do".</span><br />You must hate children if you don’t want your own <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- No, I just don't want to carry any in my body, or raise any, or deal with any when I don't want to deal with them. Now, if you LOOOOOOVE children so much, why don't you adopt a handicapped one, or an older one with emotional problems? </span><br />Not having children is un-natural <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Tell that to the sterile, go ahead, I'm sure they'll be happy to hear how unnatural and wrong they are.</span><br />Not having kids is un-Christian <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Good thing I'm an atheist.</span><br />We are supposed to have children – God says so -<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> There is no god. If you are hearing voices telling you to do things, they're hallucinations. You may consider going on meds or getting therapy to deal with the hallucinations before you ruin your children any more.</span><br />You’re unfulfilled without kids -<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> Really? Some of the most miserable people I've met have children. I guess if misery equals fulfillment in your wackadoo world view...</span><br />I can’t imagine life without my kids <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- No one is asking you to, are they? You however are asking me to completely turn my life upside down for some strange reason.</span><br />Having kids defines you <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- WOW. That is SAD. Really, really sad...even junkies know there's more to life than heroin. </span><br />Having children makes you grow up<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> - Ummmm...no. But thanks for lying.</span><br />Not having kids is selfish <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Give me ONE altruistic reason for having a child...I'm waiting...go ahead...please...any time now...seriously, one reason that doesn't involve "me" or "I want"... any day now... obviously, I won't hold my breath.</span><br />You’re selfish if you don’t want kids <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- See above, cause I'm still waiting for the unselfish reason for having children.</span><br />You must hate parents if you don’t like kids <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- I know many parents who I admire, respect and whose company I enjoy. That said, the cult of parenting is one large reason why I don't have children. I've experienced some parents who have a terrifying hive-mindedness that disallows for any variation. </span><br />Having children makes you a family <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- What a narrow and sad view of family you have. To quote myself, "Tell that to my husband, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, inlaws...and friends."</span><br />Having a child is the ultimate womanly achievement <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Wow, what a pathetic view of "womanly achievement" you have if you believe simply having unprotected sex until you breed is any sort of achievement for any gender.</span><br />Having a child is the best thing ever <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Funny, I've heard that about group sex, scatology and any number of alternative sexual activities, and yet...I just don't feel like swinging that way. Personally, for me, the best thing ever is my dear husband.</span><br />Nothing is more important than having children <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- How do you feel about Science? Technology? If nothing is more important than having children, please quit mooching.</span><br />You’re not contributing to society if you don’t have children<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> - How is simply adding people to society a contribution? If you are unwilling to make sacrifices and DO WORK to raise children, then you are taking away from society when you add maladjusted beings to it.</span><br />You’re not doing your bit if you don’t have children <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- I pay my taxes, I pay my bills, I take care of myself, I do not expect hand outs from everyone else, I contribute money, time and work to my community. I'd almost say I'm contributing MORE than a person who just has a bunch of kids without thinking.</span><br />You’re wasting your life if you don’t have kids <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Snore... snore...blah...blah...</span><br />But You’re smart… you’d make great parents <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- No, we are smart, we know ourselves, we know what we don't want to do....we don't want to be parents, so we would make shitty parents because we don't want to do things we dislike. Get a freaking clue-by-four why don'cha?</span><br />You’re (fill in appropriate blank with political/religious/racial noun) you ought to have kids - <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">How is simply breeding to keep the numbers up anything beyond animalistic?</span><br />You’re letting your family/religion/race/country/planet down if you don’t have kids <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- HA! There are more than enough people. My family doesn't care, so long as I'm happy. My in-laws desires on that subject don't matter to me.</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"><br /><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);">It’s a sin not to want kids</span> <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- I am an atheist, sin is a made up way of controlling people through guilt or shame.</span></span><br />You’ll be unhappy if you don’t have kids <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- No, I'd be suicidally miserable if I had kids.</span><br />You’re denying your husband children if you don’t want kids <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- My husband knew me before we got married (imagine that!), he knew if he wanted children he'd best look elsewhere. If he wants kids, he's going to have to divorce me and find someone who is willing to have children.</span><br />You have good jobs, you should have kids <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- The rich are some of the crappiest parents I've ever seen. And why would I want to ruin the benefits of having a good job by having children to suck the fun out of it?</span><br />If you don’t want kids, there’s no point getting married <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Tell that to the sterile, you judgemental asshole.</span><br />A child makes your life/marriage complete <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- We each married the person we wanted to share our life with, so it is complete. How sad it must be to have married someone and felt so unfulfilled that you needed to create another person to make it better. And what a selfish reason for doing so!</span><br />A child is how you leave your mark on the world <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- What is this unnatural obsession to piss all over the place to let everyone know you've been here? What a nightmare this world would be if EVERY PERSON who trod upon it felt the need to make an indelible mark.</span><br />Having kids makes you a better/stronger/kinder/selfless/person <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Tell that to the Dali Lama or Mother Theresa. You know what made me a better and stronger person? Learning from my mistakes. You know what made me a kind person? My parents and life. See, it's life is easier when you're kind to people....even people you have NO RELATION TO. Woooooow.</span><br />But you were meant to have kids! <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- No, no I wasn't. If I was meant to have kids, I'd have some desire to.</span><br />Children make you happy<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> - First, children make me drunk, because I think they're funnest when I'm drunk. After a couple hours, children make me annoyed, irritated, tired, frustrated, bothered and chafed. Oh, and I'm usually sticky from my spilled drink.</span><br />Since you don’t have children you couldn’t possibly understand (fill in kid related issue) -<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> I know parents, I know children, I've babysat, I've been a nanny...I've done all sorts of child-rearing type work and what I understand is I have NO DESIRE to do that.</span><br />The rewards of having children outweigh everything you could possibly imagine <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- I don't believe you...and what's so selfless about having children for the reward?</span><br />Men grow up through having kids <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Men don't HAVE kids, men MAKE kids. Making kids isn't being a father or a grown up. Making kids is proving your dick works, making kids is having unprotected sex with a woman. Tell me how any of that is "grown up"?</span><br />You’re obviously not cut out to be a parent <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- GEE! YA THINK?!! Where'd you ever get the notion that a person who has NO DESIRE whatsoever to have children wouldn't be cut out to be a parent? Shouldn't you be applauding me on my good life choices? Now take your bag of stupid and go away. </span><br />If you don’t have children you must be angry and bitter <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- No, judgmental people sticking their noses up my vagina make me angry and bitter. Being without children makes me happy.</span><br />Raising children is the most important job in the world <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Yeah, tell that to your doctor after he's extended your life, or your child's life. Go ahead....</span><br />If you don’t have kids you don’t leave your genes behind <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Oh the HORROR!!! I'm sure the world will go on just fine without my overweight, poor sighted, prone to anxiety genes tromping around. Listen, I'm not an egomaniac, I KNOW I'm not SPECIAL. </span><br />Women are programmed to want children <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Where are these robot women you speak of?</span><br />Well, you’re getting married. It’s good you’re settling down and having kids <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- No. We're publicly celebrating our relationship, and getting tax benefits. Ooooh.</span><br />You must have a child… it’s the best feeling in the world! <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- I'm guessing that pushing something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a quarter doesn't hold a candle to an orgasm, or even being mildly buzzed.</span><br />We’re just waiting for you to have your own kids <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Enjoy your lesson in futility, learn from it.</span><br />You don’t know what you’re missing <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Ever dropped acid? Blown your mind on ketamine? Been tied up during sex? Knocked a girl 10 feet into a crowd of people? Had your glasses broken in a mosh pit? Driven a goth filled Champ with one working door and purple spots through the poorest part of town and had crack ho's and bums point and laugh? No? Trust me when I say, you have no fucking idea what you're missing.</span><br />If you don’t want kids, you need a psychiatrist <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- I'd need a psychiatrist if I had kids.</span><br />Kids are more important than the planet <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Explain to me where they'd live...please.</span><br />You’re not a real woman unless you have children <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Then I guess you can take that up with my x chromosomes. </span><br />They can do great things with fertility drugs these days! <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- Yeah, if I don't want one child, why would I want 6 at once?</span><br />Your marriage is empty without children <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">- If you had children to make your marriage "full" you are a sad, sad person.</span>Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-9019364097622037212008-06-09T18:06:00.000-07:002008-06-26T20:22:48.535-07:00Why haven't you pushed something out your vagina to make me feel better about my life choices?Well, for those couple readers who are interested, here are my answers to the 40 questions <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">childfree</span> people must constantly endure. Thanks to <a href="http://thebritgirl.com/">The Brit Girl</a>.<br /><ol><li>Do you have children? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">No</span><br /></li><li>Why not?<span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">I don't like that kind of work</span><br /></li><li>Don’t you like children? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">I like returning children safely to their parents and going home without them.</span><br /></li><li>When are you going to have children? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">Never.</span><br /></li><li><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Aren</span>’t you leaving it too late? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">No, because I'm not having any.</span><br /></li><li>When are you going to give me <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">grandkids</span>? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">(fortunately, my parents have only expressed interest in my life happiness, and never a mention of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">grandkids</span>)</span><br /></li><li>Why don’t you like children? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">They are loud, boring, messy, intrusive, painful, expensive, irritating, dull, tedious, annoying, gross...and a fuck lot of work that I have no desire to do.</span><br /></li><li>Why are you so selfish? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">Why are you such an intrusive ass? Please enumerate the selfless reasons why you had children. Really, give me ONE SELFLESS reason why you had children.</span><br /></li><li><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Doesn</span>’t your husband want children? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">He said he might kind of want children, I said "you won't get me AND children" and he said "I know the difference between want and need".</span></li><li>Who’s going to look after you (when you’re old, sick,) <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">I don't believe in creating people for the sole purpose of possibly caring for me in my old age, seems kind of like slavery, which I am morally opposed to. Oh, and what's so selfless about creating someone to care for you?</span><br /></li><li>Why <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">aren</span>’t you doing your bit for society? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">I work to prevent the spread of a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">devastating</span> disease, I also work to help increase our communities access to free speech. I do not believe simply contributing extra people is doing anything positive for society.</span><br /></li><li>Why don’t you want to be a mother? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">Because I do not like that kind of work, nor am I eager to change how I live my life. I like it as it is.</span><br /></li><li>Why don’t you want to be a father? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">(I can not answer this one)</span><br /></li><li><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Isn</span>’t that selfish? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">No, it isn't selfish you dolt.</span><br /></li><li>Who’s going to pay for your pension? I<span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);"> believe I am...and your kids might pay my social security, but I doubt it. That said, who pays for your kids public schooling, the roads that their buses take, and the free lunch programs, and the kids insurance programs, and the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">after school</span> enrichment programs? Me, with my higher tax rate. You can send me a thank you any time.</span><br /></li><li>Who are you going to leave your shoes, house, clothes, worldly goods to? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">I do have other family members as well as many friends. Beyond that, what do I care what happens to my crap when I'm gone?</span><br /></li><li><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Aren</span>’t you lonely? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">Nope, I know how to make friends and amuse myself.</span><br /></li><li>Are you normal? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">Thankfully, no, I am not normal.</span><br /></li><li>How can you not want kids? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">I have the maternal instinct of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Absolutely_Fabulous">Patsy Stone</a>, and know it is better for EVERYONE that I not have children I have no desire to raise. How can you want to force kids on me? Would you like me to "take a shot" at brain surgery too? Perhaps you can be my first.</span></li><li>Don’t you like yourself? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">Yes, but that doesn't mean I want to do the work of raising a child.</span><br /></li><li>Do you hate parents? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">Parents are one reason why I don't want children, they really haven't done such a good job of being admirable role models lately, in my estimation. Personally, I'd rather not be FORCED to deal with such people. They have a creepy hive-mindedness that I don't cotton to.</span><br /></li><li>What if your parent’s <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">hadn</span>’t had you? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">Then I wouldn't be here trying to validate my existence to you. </span><br /></li><li>What’s wrong with you? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">Why are you an asshole?</span><br /></li><li>What about women who can’t have children? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">What about 'em? </span><br /></li><li>What else is there in life if you don’t have children? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">Work, free time, volunteering, free time, pets, fun, rock shows, friends, free time, family, free time, travel, expendable income, free time, quiet, fun, free time, roller derby, relative cleanliness, free time, girl drinks, free time, fun, and did I mention...slack?</span><br /></li><li><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Isn</span>’t that what everyone does? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">How is merely doing what everyone else does without thinking of the consequences, selfless? Thanks Mom & Dad, for teaching me to think for myself. As I always answered to "What if everyone else jumped off a bridge? Would you follow?" , "I'd be at the bottom, taking pictures".</span><br /></li><li>What’s life if you don’t have kids? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">Filled with the slack and privacy I require to keep from going insane. It's also fun.</span><br /></li><li>What if everyone thought like you? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">Then only people who wanted to do the work of raising a child to be a productive human being would have one, there would be way FEWER abused and neglected children, and more people would be happier. Oh and our resources would be less stretched.</span><br /></li><li>Did you have a bad childhood? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">I am quite lucky to have the childhood I had. I was raised to be and independent free thinker, and for this I am glad.</span><br /></li><li>Don’t you want to make your mother/father grandparents? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">If they want more interaction with children, they are grown ups who can volunteer with children, mentor or be Big Brothers/Big Sisters. I am not keeping them from interacting with children.</span><br /></li><li>Don’t you want a <span style="text-decoration: line-through;"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">fambly</span> </span>family? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">I have a family, I have a husband, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins. I also have in-laws now.</span><br /></li><li>What do you spend your money on? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">Uhhhh</span>...DUH. Rent, bills, food, clothes, personal care items, cat food, fish food....then comes the fun....and savings.</span><br /></li><li>What contribution have you made to society? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">See number 11. And please explain the contribution to society a parent who does nothing to ensure their child is a productive human who can interact with others is making. Thanks</span>.<br /></li><li>How can you deprive your husband of a child/children? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">He knew the deal going into it. I told him I wasn't expecting him to change his <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">slackfilled</span> ways, in all fairness, he shouldn't expect me to change mine. How could he deprive me of my sanity?</span><br /></li><li>Why <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">aren</span>’t you fulfilling your nurturing role? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">For the same reason why I don't participate in group sex, or scatology, I just don't swing that way.</span><br /></li><li>Don’t you want to have your own flesh and blood? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">Nope.</span><br /></li><li>Don’t you want to experience being pregnant? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">Good <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">christ</span> NO.</span><br /></li><li>Where’s your maternal instinct? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">I guess the ALMIGHTY didn't give me one. God don't make mistakes, you know.</span><br /></li><li>How will you fill your life? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">I will alternate between activities and slack. </span><br /></li><li>When are you going to Grow Up? <span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);">I support myself, I do not expect hand outs or help to subsidize my chosen life style. By all standards of measurement that matter to me, I am an adult. </span><br /></li></ol>Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-59569307754894834052008-06-05T18:06:00.000-07:002008-06-26T18:39:24.415-07:00Hillary ClintonAt least Jim Jones knew when to call it quits.<br /><br />Thanks for making everything suck even more for much longer than <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">necessary</span>.Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-80534158959092648152008-03-03T13:59:00.000-08:002008-03-12T17:16:48.017-07:00<p>The following common sense hints for parents are from <a href="http://lifestyle.msn.com/familyandparenting/babyandpregnancy/articlebc.aspx?cp-documentid=6076769&ocid=B005MSN40A0313A">this article</a> by Captain Obvious. Thank you Captain Obvious!<br /></p><p><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">1. Assemble your children's outfits when you put clothes away in their drawers. Then you can quickly grab a full outfit without having to waste time scouring the drawers for a matching shirt and pair of pants.</span><br />Or maybe rethink the idea of matching outfits for every day use...I mean seriously, if you're picking out your kid's clothes, they're probably at an age where they'll have to wear more than one outfit per day due to filth (and not the good filth). Let me hip you to this fact...babies and toddlers don't care one iota if what they wear matches. Here's something else to hip you to, if it takes more than a couple of minutess to find socks, pants or a shirt for your child, you might just have too many <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">goddamned</span> clothes.<br /></p><p><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">2. When you see a great toy on sale, buy several and sock them away for your child to give to friends at birthday parties throughout the year.</span><br />After all, it's not the thought behind the gift, but the mere fact you gave a gift that counts.<br /></p><p><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">3. Give your grade-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">schooler</span> a "homework box" with pencils, an eraser, a stapler, a calculator, and a ruler. Ask her to bring it to the table whenever it's time to do homework.</span><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">WTF</span>? Shouldn't these things already be in one place called "backpack" or "book bag"? At least, that's where I kept my ruler, pencils, erasers, AND homework. Then I would take my backpack to the kitchen table, where I sat to do my homework. When I was done, I'd put it all back in my backpack.<br /></p><p><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">4. Forget about addressing your party invitations by hand. Go to the United States Postal Service website to create party invitations that can be shipped to addresses you upload to the site. Or, have your own photo printed onto a postcard invitation at <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Snapfish</span> and they'll stamp the cards and mail them for you.</span><br />Or maybe you don't need to invite EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO HAS EVER MET YOUR CHILD to it's party, maybe your child's party should just be for family and close friends. Trust me when I say the people who've met your kid a couple times, or who you've only showed pictures of your child, don't care. Here's another novel idea, don't send out invites...since you're using the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">internets</span>, just use email or an electronic invite service. You'll have to spend time typing anyway and these are free. (Trust me,everyone will forget what your mailed invites looked like within 2 hours of the parties end - sooner if it's a good party)<br /></p><p><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">5. Stock your produce drawer or a lower shelf in your refrigerator with snacks like carrot sticks and apple slices that your kids can grab without your help. Set up a similar area in your pantry with baggies full of dried fruit or graham crackers.</span><br />If you need to be told this, you shouldn't have had children. There have been snack drawers for at least the past 30 years, it doesn't take a brain to stock them with healthy snacks.<br /></p><p><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">6. Skip ironing and get wrinkles out of a shirt or pair of trousers by putting them in the dryer for 15 minutes with a damp hand towel.</span><br />While I will admit this is a good one, but...the wrinkle reducing properties of steam are pretty well known. One can get the same effect without running the dryer, just hang up your wrinkled, or bar stinky, clothes in the bathroom while you take a hot shower with the door closed.<br /></p><p><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">7. Stop wasting time looking for things you use often, like scissors, reading glasses, or baby wipes. Stock up and keep duplicates in the rooms where you spend the most time.</span> </p><p>What I've learned is that the multiples will eventually migrate to one central location, somewhere near the Milky Way. Easier still is to have a place in each room where you keep necessities, and return those things to that place when you are done with them. Yes, there may be pens in my bathroom...but I never DON'T have a pen.</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">8. Designate 30 minutes after dinner for cleaning — and get everyone involved in folding laundry, doing dishes, and clearing away clutter.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: normal"></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: normal">Children used to be free labor and would do these things called "chores" sometimes for money, but usually just because their parents told them to. Usually "chores" were things like folding laundry, doing dishes and cleaning up. Amazing.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">9. Store sets of sheets and pillowcases inside unfolded pillowcases to make bed changes fast and easy and minimize clutter in your linen closet.</span></p><p>If you've been digging in the linen closet for more than 5 minutes looking for a fitted sheet, maybe a better solution is to get rid of some of them. I was an <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">au</span> pair/housekeeper/status symbol for a while. The house had 10 beds...TEN FREAKING BEDS...6 of which I managed to make on a weekly basis without having a linen overload melt down, it's not that hard folks.</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">10. Program the phone numbers for your favorite take-out restaurants into your cell phone so you can call to pick up dinner on the way home and avoid paying for delivery. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: normal"></span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: normal">You haven't done this already? </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">11. Create a file for coupons for your favorite restaurants and file them with take-out menus. Put the coupons that expire soonest at the front of the pack.</span></p><p>Sensible, I'll buy that for the dollar I save at Imperial China Wok Garden. </p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">12. Set up a box for bills that need to be paid and stock it with stamps and envelopes.</span></p><p>See 10. Bills are important, you need to pay them. At the very least keep them in one place.</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">13. Organize your favorite articles, parenting information, and recipes so you can find them more quickly. Place pages from online sites, magazines, and newspapers in page protectors and stash them in a three-ring binder.</span></p><p>I've done this, but the only binder I ever returned to actually use was the recipes. I threw out the old binders a long time ago. </p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">14. Store your child's outgrown clothes in large plastic bins and affix labels such as "0 to 3 months", "6 to 9 months", "9 to 12 months", and so on. Once your child has grown out of a size, you can easily store the clothes, loan them to a friend, or take them to a consignment shop. </span></p><p>Because everyone has unlimited room to store old clothes...maybe that's the great thing that happens when one has children, their home suddenly becomes a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Tardis</span>. I doubt it, a better idea would be to, you know, take the out grown clothes to a thrift store so someone else can use them. After all, if you're so into matching outfits (see item 1) are you really going to let your newest child wear the older children's nasty old clothes...I mean, you'll be having a baby shower for the new kid, so it's going to get new clothes anyway.</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">15. Set the table the night before and put items like bowls, utensils, cereal, fruit, toaster, and bread out to avoid a morning rush. </span></p><p><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Mmm</span>...room temp. fruit. Really? All this prep just for a bowl of cereal? Weird. I'm pretty sure I could get my own cereal by the age of four.</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">16. Shop for holiday and birthday gifts year-round. Whenever you see a great gift for someone you love, buy it and set it aside for giving later.</span></p><p>One of my grandmothers does this. It's a good idea if you don't buy for a bunch of people, or have a specified place where you store it. The problem I've seen with my grandma is you end up with closets of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">ungiven</span> gifts that you've forgotten about. The bonus is I get mint condition antiques that I would have ruined if I'd gotten them the same year my grandmother bought them. I mean, if your house is already chock full of linens, stored children's clothes, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">prepurchased</span> kids presents and cereal, where are you going to put all this crap? </p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">17. Start a monthly meal exchange program with five friends and neighbors. Once a month, cook enough for two dinners. Stash one in the freezer and take the other to meet up with the group and swap healthy, freezer-ready main dishes. Then go home with four other meals, and put them in the freezer alongside the extra one you made for your family. Suddenly you're stocked up with a variety of easy, homemade dinners.</span></p><p>Lessee, if you don't have time to actually make dinners for your family, you are going to get the time to organize and implement this effort where? Here's a hint, teach your kids to cook at age appropriate levels, and encourage the person who helped you make those kids to help out around the house too...and no, your child does NOT have to participate in every after school activity under the sun. </p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">18. Limit personal e-mail and computer time to twice a day.</span></p><p>Again, if you don't have time already, what are you doing sitting around on the computer?</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">19. Do all of your errands one day a week, working off a list and taking the most efficient route.</span></p><p><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Whaaa</span>? Plan ahead?! Surely you jest!</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">20. Hire a babysitter for a couple of hours on the weekend so you can tackle household duties and errands without kids in tow.</span></p><p>I'm sorry, but is EVERY childed family single parent? I know this is a novel concept, but someone had to help you make those kids, and if that someone is just sitting on their ass while you drag the kids through household chores and errands, perhaps THAT someone can look after the kids FOR FREE. </p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">21. Chop all your vegetables, fruits, and herbs for the week's meals at one time so everything will be ready for cooking.</span></p><p>Thank you Captain Obvious! Prep work makes cooking faster...work in a restaurant for 2 minutes and you'll know this.</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">22. Add important appointments and activities to a master calendar in your e-mail in-box and set up reminders for up to one week ahead. This calendar can be shared with family members via e-mail. (Google Calendar, a free Web-based system, even sends reminders to cell phones.)</span></p><p>But don't go on the computer more than twice a day! There used to be these things, they hung on the wall and had all the days of the year on them...I think they were called "Wall Calendars". We had one hanging on the basement door, there were things written on it, and when we looked at it, we'd know what things were scheduled for that day....Right there! IN YOUR FACE! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Woah</span>.</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">23. Sort belongings into clear, labeled bins that can be stacked and stowed so your child can easily find things like DVDs and toys without your help. Use brightly colored labels and picture labels for toddlers and preschoolers who can't read</span>.</p><p>Again, people have been doing this for at least the past 20 years, but thanks for the reminder.</p><p><em>24. Stop by the post office before 3 p.m. on weekdays, when the long lines usually begin to form, so you can get in and out more efficiently.</em></p><p>What wacky wonderland does this writer live in?! I've never been to the post office when there wasn't a line out the door...perhaps if they stopped feeding their employees <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Valium</span> in the water, but that's a different rant.</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">25. Keep disinfecting and glass wipes in the bathroom for quick cleanups around toilets, sinks, and mirrors. You could even do a speedy wipe-down while you bathe the kids.</span><br /></p>Here's a novel idea, have the kids help. If your kids are old enough to not have to be constantly supervised in the bathtub, they're old enough to wipe down a surface.<br /><div class="detail page2firstsegimage"><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">26. Keep a phone book in your car to avoid unnecessary calls to 411 and to quickly look up addresses. </span></p><p>You are correct! People should be encouraged to look up crap in the phone book while driving. Here's a better hint, PLAN AHEAD. Know where you are going BEFORE you leave the house, write the address down ON PAPER. </p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">27. Set up two folders related to your child's schoolwork — one for school notices and the other for schoolwork you want to keep.</span></p><p>Here's a better idea, clean out all the crap at the end of every school year. And when you get a notice, write it on the "wall calendar", then recycle that too. My aunt kept all sorts of her kids school projects, and you know what happened, they sat in the basement. Now that the kids are all moved out, she cleaned out the basement and it was just another mildewy box for the landfill. Same with my mom, and my grandmother. No one cares but you, and chances are, you won't care either in 10 years.</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">28. Skip folding laundry and instead hang up all clothing except for socks, underwear, linens, and towels.</span></p><p><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Ahhh</span>...yes, the family home/<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">Tardis</span>. First, have your children help. Second, if you seriously do not have enough time to properly care for or store all the clothes you have, maybe you have too many clothes.</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">29. Grocery shop on the weekends or, if you don't want to waste precious weekend time, go to the store after the kids are in bed. You'll whiz through the store with much less frustration because you're not also feeling the pressure to get dinner on the table and everyone into bed on time.</span></p><p>Weekends? Groceries? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? If your time is so stretched that you can't spend it properly cleaning your home or folding <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">teeshirts</span>, shopping on the weekend isn't going to help. You see, that's when all the people who work during the week go shopping, and unless you live in Wisconsin and it's during a Packers game, shopping on the weekend will take twice as long. Maybe you can bring your <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">teeshirts</span> along and fold them in line.</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">30. Choose meats or other proteins that can be used for several meals during a week. A store-bought rotisserie chicken can be shredded and used for several dishes, like chicken enchiladas, homemade chicken soup, and chicken salad. Slow-cooked pork tenderloin can double as barbecued pork sandwiches with just a bottle of barbecue sauce. Cooked beans can go in salad, tacos, and vegetable soup. </span></p><p>It's called either "stretching your food", "leftovers", "hot dish" or "<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">casserole</span>". Anyone who grew up in a middle income home knows this...noodles can be added to anything to make it last twice as long.</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">31. Open mail with the trash can nearby so junk mail and catalogs can be thrown out immediately. Even better, sign up with a free service for reducing junk mail like the National Do Not Mail list. </span></p><p>Really? Opening your mail by the garbage makes it go faster? Wow, those extra seconds will really be of help when organizing your child's outgrown clothes in to labeled bins.</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">32. Keep cardboard boxes labeled "donate," "trash," or "consign" in the garage or storage closet to routinely rid your house of unused items and clutter.</span></p><p>Know this...if you need to open your mail by the garbage for extra precious seconds, consignment isn't the option for you. That takes time. A better idea is to put trash in the garbage can as soon as it becomes trash, and put all the usable stuff you want to get rid of in a box. When it's full, take it to the thrift store. Sure you won't get any money for it, but will the $4 you get from the consignment shop for your old jeans help you in the long run? </p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">33. Save time and money on routine shopping trips by buying items like toothbrushes, toothpaste, shampoo, light bulbs, and batteries in twos when they're on sale.</span></p><p><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">Woah</span>! A person can buy things cheaper "on sale"? HOLY CRAP!</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">34. Keep an overnight bag in your car with an extra outfit for each child, including diapers or underwear, nonperishable snacks, and toiletries. In the event of an emergency, messy meal, or whirlwind overnight trip, you're set</span></p><p>I didn't know the car became a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">Tardis</span> as well once the children arrive. AMAZING! Don't they carry diaper bags any more? Isn't that where stuff like this went? Oh, and from what I know of parents, there is no such thing as a "whirlwind overnight trip".</p><p><em>35. Stock a binder or folder with a list of emergency contacts and household instructions for things like watering plants, pet care, and mail collection so you won't have to write everything out each time for a house sitter or babysitter.</em> </p><p>I'll admit, this is a good one. Point given!</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">36. Designate a cabinet in your kitchen for medicine so you'll have easy access to everything from pain reliever to bandages when and where you need them. Make sure it's secured with a child-safe lock. </span></p><p>This home/car into <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">Tardis</span> business is really making me rethink the whole not having kids thing. I mean, I can always use more space. Seems as reasonable a reason to have kids than any of the others I've heard.</p><p><em>37. Sort medicine into small, labeled storage bins — one bin for children's medications, one for adult cough and cold remedies, one for first-aid supplies, and so on, and keep them in the locked cabinet.</em></p><p>Is there some reason why you can't just have the medicine in the medicine cabinet? Is there some reason why you can't read the bottle to make sure you're not dosing your kid on Drano accidentally? My parents managed this, and they were HIPPIES!</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">38. Tape the dosage instructions for common medications like children's acetaminophen to the inside of your medicine cabinet.</span></p><p>Yes, reading the bottle each time and retaining the information after several readings is difficult and time consuming.</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">39. Splurge on a super fast-drying hair dryer and cut hair-drying time in half.</span></p><p>Ohhh...guess what?! Water evaporates from hair naturally!! If you don't use a machine to dry your hair, guess what?! YOU WON'T SPEND TIME DRYING YOUR HAIR! Woah.</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">40. Keep a pack of thank-you cards in the glove box of your car or in your daily planner so you can write notes while sitting in the car or waiting for a doctor to see you. </span></p><p>NO! When you are in the fucking car, you should be fucking paying attention to the fucking world around you. If you don't have time to address invites to your child's party, why the fuck are you sitting in your car writing thank you notes?! </p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">41. Turn your hangers backward at the beginning of every season. Anything left hanging on a hanger that's still turned backward at the end of the season hasn't been worn — give it away!</span></p><p>So, let me get this straight. You are so pressed for time that you need to open your mail over the garbage, because sitting down, opening it and then taking the unneeded mail to the garbage is too much time...BUT you do have time to turn all the clothes in your closet around so you know what to get rid of? There's these things, they're called priorities, and everyone abides by them. If it's important, you spend the time doing it, if it's not important...don't waste your time on it.</p><p><em>42. E-mail your thank-you notes instead of sending a card.</em></p><p>I see now....only go on the computer twice a day, but you can go on it as LOOOOONG as you want! Yes, thank you. Instead of madly writing out meaningless thank yous at red lights and drive up windows, why don't you just email it.</p><p><br /><em>43. Schedule your child's doctor's appointments for first thing in the morning when you're less likely to have a long wait.</em></p><p>Okay, that's a good one, and probably why I can never get a morning doctors appointment.</p><p><em>44. Get rid of one bag of clothes, toys, and books for every bag that comes into the house. It means less stuff to clean up.</em></p><p>Or as normal people call it, "everytime you bring home new crap, throw out some old crap". </p><p><em>45. Write down or print out all-important phone numbers — for people like your child's doctor, the next-door neighbor, your veterinarian, and so on — and place the list in an inexpensive picture frame that you keep in your master bedroom or the kitchen. This way, you won't need to write out contact information for a sitter or grandparent — just point out the list, and they'll know who to call in case of emergency.</em> </p><p>Why don't you just show the temporary care takers the binder of the same information that you made while following step #35? Is Capt. Obvious paid by the hint or what? Seriously, here's a more important time saving hint - don't keep doing the same shit over and over. Once you've made the binder, you don't have to condense it into a framed picture. </p><p><em>46. Fill a basket with socks and keep it near the front door so kids can quickly grab a pair. Put the shoes they wear most often next to the basket.</em> </p><p>Tardis house! TARDIS HOUSE! When I was a child, I was able to not only retrieve my socks from the drawer they were stored in...all the way up in my bedroom, but also find my shoes there too. I guess I was extrey smrat or something.</p><p><em>47. Order diapers and wipes online — no more lugging big boxes home from the store.</em></p><p>What the hell? So you don't have time to get cereal bowls out in the morning because you're spending too much time schlepping crap home from the store? But I guess, when your 2 times on the computer last 3 hours a piece, you have to do something to make that time productive.</p><p><em>48. Label shelves in the linen closet so family members know where items like beach towels and guest room sheets belong.</em></p><p>Or teach them, with words. Maybe encourage them to know...like things go together.</p><p><br class="webkit-block-placeholder"></p><p><em>49. Keep an assortment of greeting cards on hand, filed by occasion. You'll save time on trips to the store, and you can quickly take care of an unexpected birthday or send off a heartfelt condolence</em>.</p><p>A heartfelt condolence with a card you bought 6 months ago. "This card says I recognize that something bad happened to you". You're right of course, showing people who aren't in your family unit that you care can take time away from your family unit, and that's bad.</p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-STYLE: italic">50. Forget sorting laundry. Wash everything in cold water.</span></p><p>Yeah, I'm sure the person who dresses their infant in matching outfits all the time is really going to be keen on having dingy whites.</p><p><br class="webkit-block-placeholder"></p></div>Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-30948738588269030202008-02-29T13:48:00.000-08:002008-03-04T11:21:28.834-08:00Message to Hillary supporters...Just some helpful hints:<br />1. Quit whining. Seriously, people like who they like for whatever reasons they have. If someone doesn't like Hillary, don't act like they hate all women, are insane or completely deluded. I don't pitch a fit when I find out someone doesn't like super sharp cheddar cheese, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Barack</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Obama</span> or kittens, I just accept they have worse taste than me and move on.<br /><br />2. When you call progressive radio shows and complain that the progressives don't like Hillary, stop for a moment and think. If you are capable of logic, you should draw this conclusion...if progressives don't like Hillary, it might just mean they don't think she's progressive. Just because she's a woman does not mean she's a progressive. Just because she's running under the democratic ticket does not make her a liberal. I am a progressive, I'm also liberal, left wing and all those other nasty terms no one wants to use any more. In fact, I laugh when those conservatives whine about the "radical left" when talking about Hillary or <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Obama</span> (or Olberman or MSNBC for that matter). If they knew what most "radical leftists" really thought and wanted to do, they'd start advocating much more strongly to put people like us into camps...or maybe not. After all for the most part, we just want to be left alone to do what we want to do, and to be free, and to rock (oh and maybe a little rioting when the situation warrants).<br /><br />3. If you are a woman and say "I'm voting for Hillary because she's a woman", could you just shut the fuck up now? Here's a clue by four, you make yourself look like an idiot, all women look like idiots and Hillary look like an idiot. Imagine how you'd react if someone said "I'm voting for Hillary because she's white" (see #4, because I guess there's lots of folks out there who are voting for her whiteness) or "I'm pro-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Obama</span> because he's a man". The first thing women had to do before they got any rights was prove they could THINK, and your assertion that Hillary has earned your vote simply because she shares your genitals proves to many people that women can't think. Genitals do not qualify anyone to be anything beyond <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">inserters</span> or receivers....and even that's up for bargaining. Seriously, Eva Braun, Margaret Thatcher, Phyllis Schlafly, Charlie Manson's mother and Ann Coulter are all women, would you vote for any of them too?<br /><br />4. That said, if you are white and call up a radio show complaining "All dem Blacks is just voting for Barack because he's black and that ain't fair.....duuurrrrrslurp...me loves Hillary...gaaaaaa...how'd I get a drool stain on my brown shirt?". FUCK YOURSELVES, RACIST ASSHOLES. GO TO HELL AND DIE. Seriously, if this is what Hillary supporters are really like then I can only assume then that Hillary is the same way and I will never vote for her because I do not want to associate myself with a bunch of racist, sexist fucktards. (Psssst...it's why I'm not a republican, or a libertarian) From the way you talk, you probably have your little black lawn jockey shackled so he don't run off your plantation and hang out with all them other black folks who are incapable of thought and just vote because finally, for once in this stupid country's history there's a decent guy with a chance of winning the presidency who shares a similar skin color. <br /><br />5. For <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">chrissakes</span>, stop with your bullshit parade on every damned radio show. I'm fucking sick of it. You know you make folks like me hate her more because you all sound like a bunch of blathering infants and you never make a coherent point. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Waah</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">waahh</span>...so the media aren't kowtowing to Hillary, so they're more critical of her than of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Obama</span>...get over it already. Maybe you could spend your time encouraging her to portray another side of herself beyond "aging cynical bitch". Yes, the Clinton years were difficult. Guess what? That's over...as in past, as in there's nothing that we can do about it now. Rehashing it with stupid "vast right wing conspiracy" theories left over from 1994 certainly doesn't help her cause any. Oh, and quit lying. (That said, here's a big ol' FU to every dickwad who made a big deal out of Hillary's "tears" in New England a couple months ago - even idiots know what crying looks like. Pssst...that wasn't it)<br /><br />6. Hillary, you remind me of GW way too much when you scold. We've spent the last 8 years with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">GW</span> up there telling us he knows best, we don't need to do anything and we don't need to know anything because he's doing "hard work" to take care of it all. Show a little humility in yourself and faith in others...it's why people like <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Obama</span>. Also, insulting people who've chosen to not follow you makes you sound like a cynical asshole. Trust me, I am a cynical asshole, I know what I sound like. I, and many others, will have a hard time getting past your low opinion of us should you be one of the choices. For some reason, once they're out of High School, folks just don't like to vote for people who seem to hate them.<br /><br /><br />Personally, I'd be more than happy for BOTH parties to dissolve, because NEITHER represents my, or I bet your, beliefs wholly. With only two, nothing gets done because no one has to build a consensus, they just rally the troops, circle the wagons and grandstand while the rest of humanity takes it up the ass. I'm sick of holding my nose so I can vote for who is least evil, or knowing that who I voted for will never in a million years win because everyone is so stuck in this "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Republocrat</span>" or "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Demican</span>" mindset. Please, just stop with the stupid already.Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-40603276425770409182007-10-02T21:01:00.000-07:002007-10-02T23:15:37.499-07:00Befouling the airwaves, yet again...Don't got too much to say, just doing my favorite thing, hosting a radio show after 10pm at night.<br />Sweet, sweet freedom, why can't we have it all the time? Oh yeah, we've got to protect the children, because we live in a village and the entire village must raise the children because they are our future and we've got to do everything to protect that. I could totally be a bull shit artis-I mean, politician.<br /><br />Sue Cream Sue - tr. 1 - Suec Super Greatest Hits Deluxe Album<br />Elton Motello - Jet Boy Jet Girl - A Date With John Waters<br />Peaches - Two Guys For Every Girl - Impeach My Bush<br />(cast) - Heidi - The Story Of Heidi sndtrk.<br />John Fogerty - Long Dark Knight - Revival<br />Tom Waits - Fish In The Jailhouse - Orphans (Brawlers)<br />Blues Magoos - Tobacco Road - Kaleidescopic Compendium: The Best Of<br />The Fall - Sparta FC No:3 - Interim<br />Parts & Labor - Unexplosions - Mapmaking<br />Siouxsie - Sea Of Tranquility - Mantaray<br />Talking Heads - The Great Curve - Remain In Light<br />Modest Mouse - Florida - We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank<br />Electric 6 - Kukuxumushu - I Shall Exterminate Everything Around Me That Restricts Me From Being The Master<br />Electric 6 - Improper Dancing - Fire<br />Electric 6 - Gay Bar - Fire<br />Gore Gore Girls - Pleasure Unit - Get The Gore<br />`Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-91902593649114618252007-09-13T19:57:00.001-07:002007-10-11T21:00:15.514-07:00Hatelove, the Subgenius condition.Hatelove, it sounds fun, like sexhurt. It's not. It's the one wave on the otherwise placid slack plain. Even if you've successfully managed complete and total slack, if you are smart enough, you will still feel hatelove. It's knowing that while you may have managed your life in such a way that most everything within your sphere of influence and knowledge pleases you, EVERY OTHER FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD COMPLETELY SUCKS BALLS! Great, I know lots of smart, funny and free thinking people, but does that really matter when the majority of people are unthinking, dull, asshatted NORMALS? Awesome! I live in America, where everyone has the freedom to do anything they want, but does that really matter when in all actuality our every movement and action in life is controlled by fear, ignorance, slavish obedience, or some hellish combination of the three?Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-61087181621411335292007-09-11T21:15:00.000-07:002007-10-11T20:49:03.598-07:00I Jammed Out With My Clam OutOh yes, oh yes indeed. After months of begging, bribery and cajoling, I finally got Ms. Jenni to let me back into the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Leopard</span> Print Lounge again. And now she'll have to work extra hard to regain the reputation I so easily soiled.<br /><br />I present to you, the soundtrack to the Cheech and Chong movie that is my mind.<br /><br />Dukes of the Stratosphear - 25 O'Clock - Chips from the Chocolate Fireball<br />Ariel Pink - Getting High in the Morning - House Arrest<br />Rolling Stones - Stoned - The Singles Collection<br />Bongwater - Ride My SeeSaw - Double Bummer<br />Flight of the Conchords - Robots - The Distant Future<br />Lenny Bruce - To Come - To Is A Preposition Come Is A Verb<br />Donovan - Superlungs - Trobadore<br />Capt. Groovy & His Bubblegum Army - Dark Part of My Mind Pt. 1 - Turds On A Bum Ride<br />Black Lips - It Feels Alright - Good Bad Not Evil<br />Madoo - You Can't Do That - The Fab Four From Liverpool<br />Sonic Youth - Hyperstation - Daydream Nation (rerelease)<br />Sonic Youth - Eliminator - Daydream Nation (relrelase)<br />Parts & Labor - Fractured Skies - Mapmakers<br />Zolar X - Oveon Triopp - X Marks The Spot<br />Zolar X - X Marks The Spot - X Marks The Spot<br />Yoko Ono w/ Jason Pierce - Walking on Thin Ice - Yes, I am A Witch<br />Yoko Ono w/Felix Da Housecat - Walkin On Thin Ice - Open Your Box<br />Talking Heads - Psycho Killer - 77<br />The Boggs (Fort) - Arm In Arm - The Boggs<br />Von Sudenfed - The Rinohead - Tromatic Reflexxions<br />Mitch Hedberg - Houses - Mitch All Together<br />The Arge - Benzocaine - S/T<br />Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Howl - Howl<br />Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - U.S. Government - Take Them On On Your Own<br />The Doilies - The Doilies - Invite Them Up<br />Big A little A - Track 5 - gAme<br />Tomahawk - Mescal Rite #2 - Anonymous<br />Maps & Atlases - Stories About Ourselves - tree, swallows, houses<br />TV On The Radio - Playhouses - Return To Cookie Mountain<br />We Are The Fury - Venus - Venus<br />Scissor Sisters - Comfortably Numb - S/T<br />702 - Pootie Tangin' - Pootie Tang Sndtrk.<br />Richard G. Clark - Make It In Rockford...Weigh The Difference - RockfordFeh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-51796423352347791232007-08-02T20:47:00.000-07:002007-08-08T09:40:49.540-07:00Boomerbummerfucker.....So, if you haven't figured out, it's the 40th anniversary of the "Summer of Love", so get out your tie-dyed shirt (purchased 1991), patched bellbottoms (purchased 2002) or hippy skirt (purchased 1989) and feel the groovy love vibrations maaaaannnn...because the mayor of San Francisco has issued a proclamation and there's going to be a free concert in Golden Gate Park and everyone will get together, hug, and change the world all over again. At least that's what the <a href="http://www.2b1records.com/summeroflove40th/index.htm">organizers of the concert</a> say. And I call Bull Shit.<br /><br />First, let me quote a few bits of their "proclamation",<br />"<span style="font-style: italic;">Then one summer it happened! "We Were Everywhere". The pureness of thought exploded exponentially and there were millions of us. The event, this historical moment which included most of 1967, became known as the "Summer of Love</span>""<br />Great. Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back or anything, but good job on recognizing that there were other people like you...and good job to the media for pointing it out to you.<br /><br />"<span style="font-style: italic;">During this period the Peace Movement was born with the Human Be-Ins in San Francisco and the Love-Ins in New York.</span>(um no, there've been pacifists being thrown in jail since at least WW1) <span style="font-style: italic;">Anti-war demonstrations occured everywhere and college campuses erupted with thousands of people refusing the draft</span> (in all acuality they were anti-draft demonstrations - but eventually non-students joined in) <span style="font-style: italic;">This startled the government</span> (for the last time)<span style="font-style: italic;">presidents were impeached</span> (well, president), <span style="font-style: italic;">wars were stopped</span> (eventually), <span style="font-style: italic;">and an entire generation stood up and said "Hell No"</span>" (except Bush, Cheney, and all the current fucktards in this adminstration who went to college then too)<br /><br />"<span style="font-style: italic;">Social change was occuring and continued on multiple levals. Out of this orderly chaos came the "Movements": The Free Speech Movement </span>(so I can say fuck on an adult radio show?), <span style="font-style: italic;">Free Love Movement </span>(oh, prostitution is legal?), <span style="font-style: italic;">the Farm Workers Movement</span> (its so easy & safe now!), <span style="font-style: italic;">the Women's Movement </span>(but no abortions, girls), <span style="font-style: italic;">the Gay Rights Movement</span> (unless you want to be married), <span style="font-style: italic;">the Environmental Movement</span> (yay! global warming!), <span style="font-style: italic;">the Ecology Movement</span> (doesn't this fit in the environment or visa versa?), <span style="font-style: italic;">the Animal Rights Movement</span> (terrorists!), <span style="font-style: italic;">the Sexual Revolution</span> (but no condoms in schools or prisons!), <span style="font-style: italic;">the Spritual Movement</span> (as an athiest I am unqualified to comment on this one), <span style="font-style: italic;">the Student Movement</span> (yeah, that went far), <span style="font-style: italic;">the Civil Rights Movement</span> (which started in 1955), <span style="font-style: italic;">and the Anti-War Movement</span> (see above)."<br /><br />"<span style="font-style: italic;">The message was clear the world was uniting behind one pricipal and thought - LOVE! and its affirmation of PEACE, COMPASSION, and UNDERSTANDING. The word was brought forth by musicians such as Peter Paul and Mary, The Mamas and Papas, Donovan, Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, the Grateful Dead and Jefferson Airplane and then carried on by many of the English Musicians like Eric Clapton </span>(histories greatest monster - but more on that in another post),<span style="font-style: italic;"> the Beatles</span><span> (didn't the Beatles come along pretty early?)</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> and Rolling Stones.</span>(Wasn't Donovan English?)<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Because of this free thinking environment </span>(wasn't Dylan booed for his experimentation?)<span style="font-style: italic;"> a renassance of gifted genius' occurred with the likes of John Coltrane</span>(?), <span style="font-style: italic;">Miles Davis</span>(?), <span style="font-style: italic;">Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison</span> (oh I barfed in my mouth a little). <span style="font-style: italic;">New concepts and inventions touched every segment of society. The transistor, the calculator, the computer and the internet all had their inception in the 1960's</span><span>(yeah, thanks to the unmentioned LSD - I forgot, drugs are bad</span><span>)</span><span style="font-style: italic;">. A whole new creative sector of the economy developed within, took hold and became Silicone Valley. </span>(awesome!) <span style="font-style: italic;">The international community was in awe</span> (I guess humility wasn't big in the 60's)<span style="font-style: italic;">of this explosion of creativity, even Olympic athletes showed their solidarity by uniting with the winds of change</span> (or realised that black people are just that, people). <span style="font-style: italic;">All this started with a simple word, a simple thought - LOVE! and a generation of free thinking people willing to stand up and be counted and their willingness to be different.</span>" ORLY?<br /><br />Well, let me just brush the vomit taste out of my mouth....aaaahhhh minty fresh!<br /><br />So, Really?Nothing good has happened since 1967, no good art, music, movements or anything, eh? Nothing continued forward, ended or changed since 1967, which is, according to the Boomers, the pinnacle of human acheivement. Thanks, I've had that line of crap shoved up my ass for about 30 years now and as far as I can tell, 1967 was the START of the FUCKERY that is TODAY. But hey, keep telling the world how great you and yours were, and the sheeple will nod their heads in agreement, because they weren't there and they don't know any better.<br /><br />You know what's better than going forward? Spinningyour wheels in your glorious past, which had NOTHING to do with the future. Oh no, what really must have happend was in 1967 everyone was happy and free for a couple years, and then everyone was replaced by greedy, pre-yuppie pod people whose only god is Money. Yeah, that must be it, certianly those beautiful people with flowers in their hair wouldn't sell out their glorious vision of the future and their children for a little bit of filthy lucre, right?<br /><br />WRONG! I'm here as a maligned member of Generation X to say "thanks a fucking lot for fucking nothing." You had the world, you had the vision, and you had just about everyone behind you. Instead, you discovered coke, suits, money, designers, fashion, cars and more money and just shoved your collective turgid member up the ass of the rest of the world...for money...without even the courtisy of spitting on it first. Sold out your kids, grandkids and everyone after them. Fucked the "third world" royally in your hunt for the almighty profit margin. Screwed the environment and locally owned business with your predatory business models...but Hey Dennis Hopper has a great retirement plan for you! Because you're the BEST generation, you discovered EVERYTHING, and were the BIGGEST revolutionaries in the whole history of the world and you deserve LOVE from everyone who isn't you.Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-53055821626353884402007-07-30T16:06:00.000-07:002007-07-30T16:50:55.878-07:00Kid's birthday update...and thoughts on friendship.Seriously, I am dumb. I thought for sure that I could go to a birthday party for a friends 3 year old because I was positive that it was actually an adult party with an awesome race car cake and as a result the adult guests would be acting like...ADULTS, like me. Wrong! But more about that later...first, the review:<br /><br />The children were remarkably well behaved. The food was awesome, and adult!! Sushi and delicious salads, with not a chicken finger in sight! I felt I was remarkably tolerant and helpful (ooh, my arm hurts from patting myself on the back). In an fuzzy alcohol buzz, I even offered to wrangle toddlers so their parents could eat sitting down, which is always fun. I like kids well enough, it just bugs me that people have them without thinking about all the work that should be done. <br /><br />For some reason, that just opened the bingo floodgates from an unexpected source, a friend who has no children, is single and whose life is consumed by a corporate job where she is currently training people to train the overseas workers who will be replacing them. I'd add here I've never told her my thoughts on how evil and inhuman I feel her current assignment is, and she knows exactly how I feel about children. It's why she's the babysitter for this kid while I'm out seeing bands in bars with the kids parents. <br />"Pretty soon you guys will be doing this" <br />"no" <br />"Oh, you'll change your mind" <br />"Doubtful" <br />"I bet" <br />"No, seriously, I won't because I know if I do I'll end up dead or in a mental hospital." <br /><br />But a special surprise from the parents of the kid whose birthday it was, I received only understanding and thanks. <br /> "You were great with the kids" <br />"No worries, they were cool" <br />"Well, you kept them busy, and out of trouble" <br />"No problems, thanks for hosting this fantastic party"<br />"You're welcome. It's always good to give them back isn't it?" <br />"Yes indeed it is!" <br /> <br />To be honest, I know I would make a good parent, I enjoy teaching and I have alot of patience and knowledge about what kids need. However, as someone who has thought alot about this topic, I know I would also be a shitty parent because my anxiety would cause me to worry myself into a mental institution, if I had to it alone for any reason the depression would cause me to kill myself, and I would have to give up everything I enjoy to home school because I believe the only thing schools do now is destroy individuality and strangeness. Oh, and I have no hope for the future getting any better, so the guilt of bringing another human into that situation would destroy me. Camps folks...camps is where we're all headed.<br /><br />What I do intensly dislike is people assuming I don't know my own mind at my advanced age. In the above mentioned group of friends, I am one of the older ones by at least a couple years and they know full well my lifestyle, opinions and habits. I consider their assertations that I will "change my mind" to be quite condesending and disrespectful. Certianly not how friends treat eachother in my world, which is why I guess I consider this group of folks not actually "my" friends. They went to college with my betrothed, moved here around the same time he did, and well...I've just always thought of them as "his" friends. In my world, with my friends (who are generally older than me), when someone makes a statement about their personal choices to me, if I don't agree I try to say "Well that's your choice, I respect it" and shut up about it, unless I feel they're being dangerously unsafe in which case I'll try to help them figure out how to be safer (if they want to stop, that's their decision). I feel it's the adult thing to do with other adults who are free to make their own choices in life. Apparently when you are engaged to be married, in the upper decks of 30 and are at a children's party where most of the guests are a couple years younger than you, all bets are off.<br /><br />Needless to say, I am both giddy and dreading the upcoming nuptuals. From all I've seen, that becomes an invitation for a free dinner, some dancing, and to delve into the personal lives of the newlyweds. Should that life not fit the LifeScript(tm) of corporate job, marriage, house, kids, minivan, disney world and all that happy crappy, then they whip out the conversion techniques and bingos. I always get into it with my bethrothed as I tend to not just let sleeping dogs lie in terms of my <br />(un)reproductive choices, and he says I could just say "no" and leave it at that. The problem is, that when I do say "no" they say "oh you'll change your mind" and then I get pissed and let them know the most horrifying possibilites I can fathom as a result in a vain attempt to Shut Them Up on the topic For Good. <br /><br />Oh well...at least I'm on the right track for a pattern for the wedding dress...and no it's not going to be WHITE and no it's not going to be strapless and no it's not going to be an "I'm the princess" taffeta and satin nightmare that costs as much as my car. Fuck all that bullshit!Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16994040.post-45509813727677300742007-07-19T18:13:00.000-07:002007-07-19T20:11:12.032-07:00Hoi Hoi!Tonight, Father Angus is at the helm, B.S. is throwing some CDs on the broilers, and Reverend Velveteen is gettin' shit done.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.nickdrake.com/">Nick Drake</a> - Time Has Told Me - <span style="font-style: italic;">Family Ties</span><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Oar-Alexander-Skip-Spence/dp/B00000JJ2R">Alexander Spence</a> - War In Peace - <span style="font-style: italic;">Oar</span><br /><a href="http://www.brianjonestownmassacre.com/">Brian Jonestown Massacre</a> - Nevertheless - <span style="font-style: italic;">Tepid Peppermint Wonderland</span><br /><a href="http://www.beatles.com/">The Beatles</a> - Cry Baby Cry - <span style="font-style: italic;">The White Album</span><br /><a href="http://www.myspace.com/theblacklips">The Black Lips</a> - Sea of Blasphemy - <span style="font-style: italic;">Los Valientes del Mundo Nuevo</span><br /><a href="http://www.davidbowie.com/">David Bowie</a> - African Night Flight - <span style="font-style: italic;">Lodger</span><br /><a href="http://www.jimihendrix.com/">Jimi Hendrix</a> - Foxey Lady - <span style="font-style: italic;">Live at Berkeley</span><br /><a href="http://www.luakabop.com/africa/cmp/listen.html">Ofo & The Black Company</a> - Allah Wakbar - <span style="font-style: italic;">Love's a Real Thing</span><br /><a href="http://www.j-tull.com/">Jethro Tull</a> - Song for Jeffrey - <span style="font-style: italic;">This Was</span><br /><a href="http://www.genesisp-orridge.com/">Psychic TV</a> w/ <a href="http://www.leary.com/">Timothy Leary</a> - Thee Politics of Ecstasy - <span style="font-style: italic;">DJ Megatrip Pure Acid</span><br /><a href="http://www.dungen-music.com/">Dungen</a> - Et Skal Att Trivas - <span style="font-style: italic;">Tio Bitar</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">New Disks at Nine:</span><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bb14rWGRYp4">Boris</a> w/Michio Kurihara - tracks 3, 7, 8 - <span style="font-style: italic;">Rainbow</span><br /><a href="http://www.brucehaack.com/lucifer.asp">Bruce Haack</a> - tracks 3, 6, 8 - <span style="font-style: italic;">The Electric Lucifer</span><br /><a href="http://www.ubiquityrecords.com/nobody.html">Nobody</a> - All the Shallow Deep - <span style="font-style: italic;">From LA with Love</span><br /><a href="http://www.stonesthrow.com/sounddirections/">Madlib's Sound Directions</a> - Wildflower - <span style="font-style: italic;">From LA with Love</span><br /><a href="http://www.myspace.com/adventuretime">Adventure Time</a> - This Dome Is Our Home - <span style="font-style: italic;">From LA with Love</span><br /><br /><a href="http://www.zappa.com/">Frank Zappa</a> - Peaches en Regalia - <span style="font-style: italic;">Hot Rats</span><br /><a href="http://www.queenonline.com/">Queen</a> - Ogre Battle - <span style="font-style: italic;">Command Performance<br /></span><a href="http://www.subgenius.com">HOS</a> # 1105<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span>Feh23http://www.blogger.com/profile/11082554978508046639noreply@blogger.com1