2.20.2009

It's Oscar time!!!

And I'm the big dork who rarely sees any nominated films, but merely lloves the dress parade on the Red Carpet, and snarking on the celebrities. I will be watching the pregame show all afternoon while I prepare for my annual Sock Toss, which is how my friends and I choose to celebrate this incredibly stupid and pointless event.

1. Paperwork. Everyone gets a ballot and a copy of the drinking game rules (new for '09)

2. Roll out a red carpet. Yes, I have one. It's from Ikea, and does have white and orange stripes on either end, but it's mostly red, which is good enough for me. (this party is the reason why I picked that rug)

3. I alert the paparazzi, who never show because we're abnormal people who don't get the recognition we deserve. So, I set up a strobe light facing the door to simulate the experience for my guests.

4. I make an assload of hors d'ouvres. I LOVE finger food, and this is my only chance to make a meal of it. This is when I start drinking mimosas.

5. I remove all knick knacks from around the television.

6. I ball my socks. Then I wash them, and fold the pairs together into little balls. These are what we use to express our contempt for the films, the celebrities, the interviewers, the dresses, the suits, etc. etc. Basically the only time socks aren't flying through the air is when they do the roll call of the dead, unless it's someone we REALLY hate.

Of course, for the entirety of these preperations I am also watching the pre-show red carpet events. I hate that shit, the stupid interviewers and the pat responses. But I love hating it...so I'll have downed an entire bottle of champange by the time the show starts. Guests arrive right before the beginning of the actual show, so they don't have to see my shame. Yes, I do have other people join me.

Care to join us from the comfort of your own home? Invite some friends, ball some socks and let'er rip!

Oh, and here are the drinking game rules...
The Vomit Carpet - Oscars Drinking Game
1 drink -
botox or obvious cosmetic surgery
insane dress/suit
cut off speech
Jack Nicholson in sunglasses or with much younger girlfriend
mispronunciation/can't read teleprompter
thanks parents/god/lawyers

2 drinks
side boob
goes on with speech in spite of cut-off music
stumbles up stairs/on stage
joke falls flat
goes wrong direction, needs guidance off stage
says "I didn't expect this" and then pulls out prepared comments

4 drinks
obviously drunk/stoned
nipple
FCC violation
host/presenter argues that recipient should be allowed to go on with speech after cut-off music starts

5 drinks (or the entire bottle as this is a sign of the end times)
John Waters wins best picture, best director or life time achievement award

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