Idiot bomb 2, Electric Boogaloo

Some more nuggets of joy for to keep my brain from 'sploding.

9. Coirkers who seem to always succumb to "illness" on days they're assigned to cover, whenever the boss isn't here, or even more annoyingly on days when they've agreed to cover for another. Simply put, I fail to see how you can manage to be legitimately ill 80% of your shifts. I'm all for mental health days, and slack, but can't you think of the people you're fucking once? Or give us a kiss, at least I like that when I'm being fucked. Why not, suck it up, go in and do the distasteful job you were hired to do, and be "sick" on a day when you don't have much of anything to do? It will decrease the amount of stink eye you get on the rare days you do come in.

10. Parents who complain about how hard it is to be a parent.
Here's how I found out parenting was hard, and that I didn't want to do it. I have aunts, uncles and as a result cousins. I have parents of my own, and grandparents as well. I've actually worked in child care. I've known children and been a child myself. Essentially, I used my observational skills and then used logic and reason to think, "Based on what I've observed, is this something easy to do?" The answer I brilliantly came up with was "No". In fact, I thought "That sucks balls, I'm glad I'm not doing it all the time". Seriously, by now everyone should know that parenting is a difficult, expensive, time consuming job. It's not a big secret. If you think having children is going to be all butterfly kisses, baby powder and Kodak moments, you are a deluded mental case who SHOULD NOT have children. You should, in fact, be sterilized until you've proven that you know what kind of unending crapass job raising children is. Don't fucking complain to me about a situation you willingly put yourself in.

11. Men who tell me I'm beautiful.
I'm know I'm not and I highly doubt you think so. What I do know is that I'm a lumpy, poorly dressed, unruly haired, smeary glasses mess. And telling me I'm beautiful is definitely NOT the butter that's going to get my buns. Really? Beauty? That's considered a compliment? Smeh. Kind of worthless in my book, and almost an insult. In my experience, beautiful people are vapid. Beautiful people care most about appearance. Beauty is very temporary. Why not wait 4 minutes and give an actual compliment? I'm quite funny, have a decent smile, am relatively smart, helpful and can talk to just about any one. That said, just because I gave you the time of day doesn't mean I'm looking to start a relationship, and certainly not with a man who seems to cast a Very Wide Net. Go away now, I'm not wearing clean underwear anyway.

12. Mechanic-I mean Car Fuckers.
I've NEVER had a mechanic who didn't eventually try to fuck me. I've driven college funds for mechanic's children most of my life so I know just enough about cars to know what's broken, but not enough to how to fix it. I've had the same parts replaced, and rereplaced. I've had diagnostic checks that cleared my bank account, but no diagnosis. I've had shitty repair jobs that only caused more problems. I've had repair jobs that could have resulted in my, or another's death. I've had repair jobs where I wasn't told about another broken part in the same vicinity with the hopes that I'd come back with even more resultant repairs. I know enough about cars now to know when I'm being fucked by a mechanic, unfortunately they're wily and always manage to find something new wrong. If you want to be a mechanic so you can buy a new boat, 8th mansion or solid gold enema kit, kindly rip out your own jugular with a monkey wrench. ( if you are a decent mechanic who actually takes pride in fixing things so they work better than they did when you got them, and isn't planning on turning evil in the next 40 years please contact me.)

13. Republicans

Is there some reason why they're the most frightened people on earth? I mean, these folks are afraid of EVERY FUCK THING. "Yikes! Gays exist!!", "OMG!! I think those people in that house on the next block are smoking pot and minding their own business!", "The horror!!! A woman wanting to work and control her reproduction!!", "I'm afraid a black man will look at me!", "Run!! Mexicans are being recruited and hired illegally by my giant corporation to make me more profits!", "But if everyone had health care we'd be socialist like those scary, gray jumpsuit wearing Canadians", "I'm afraid of people who aren't like me, I need to live somewhere with a big fence around it.", "Atheists don't believe in HELL! How will I keep one from pulling out and showing me my still beating heart?!" Seriously, people this terrified should not own guns...it's dangerous.

14. Single Bike Critical Mass
I understand riding a bike, it's fun. I understand why our city invested millions of dollars on bike paths, bike lanes, and "bike friendly" corridors, for safety and because the bikers wanted it. Hell, we've got bike paths with street bike lanes next to them! What I do not understand is why one would chose to make a fun, relaxing bike ride into a stressful, dangerous "single bike critical mass" by riding their bike down a congested road in the middle of rush hour when a block in one direction is a dedicated bike path with NO cars, and a block in the other direction is a bike corridor consisting of a wide, rarely traveled residential street.

15. Lance Armstrong Impersonators
That said, how much energy is saved and/or how much faster do you actually go when you're decked out in your "super hero" Lance Armstrong gear to ride your bike to/from work? Do you know how much you look like a douche? I know that you don't want to wear sweaty office clothes all day, but what ever happened to just wearing some sweat pants and a teeshirt you already had lying around? For some unknowable reason, they've got to wear a special little spandex outfit that they paid extra for because its special and lets everyone know how special they are. I understand if you're training for, or actually riding in, a bike race and need to reduce drag, or are riding your bike for dozens of miles a day and wearing the padded pants because your crotch goes all numb...and that's fine. But seriously, there are thousands of people tooling around my town all the time in this shit, and there is no way on earth that they're all in training for the Tour d'France. I'm starting to believe they're just folks who like to show the world that they have ALL the special things for riding their bikes because THEY take their HOBBY much more seriously than the rest of us mouth breathers. Why don't you just cash out your money, take it to a homeless shelter, make a pile and burn it?

If you don't want to read me rip into parents whose children have died, you might want to go away now... consider yourself warned.

16. Parents who leave their children to die sealed in cars and then get off scott free because they've "been through enough already".
I have a REAL difficult time believing this as it makes NO logical sense to me. From all I've been told, having children is the penultimate human achievement, it's life changing, you will know love and/or happiness for the first time, you will do anything and everything for them and even if you never wanted them in the first place it will all change when they arrive because it's always different when it's your own. And yet.....AND YET one can some how become so busy they simply FORGOT that they put this wonderful, magical, most important thing in their life in the car? Seriously? FORFUCKINGGOT?!
I. Don't. Buy. It. My aunt and uncle raised TRIPLETS as well as a daughter, which IS an all consuming job, and managed to never leave a single one in the car. In fact, I've never known any sane parent who could simply "Whooops? Where's my baby who I propose to love more than anything in the world? I don't remember!" I go to rock shows and I like being in an altered state. In fact, I've been so altered that I don't remember the ends of shows and yet...AND YET, I've NEVER just left someone passed out at a show to be molested. Simply put, if a drunk like me can go to a show with 10 similar drunks, and we can all manage to leave together...and don't forget, WE'RE DRUNK...and I might add, none of us pushed any other of us out their vagina for X-number of hours...I fail to see how a sober parent who truly is doing the most important job in the world can forget they have put THEIR OWN child in a car, ever.

Stupidist. Article. Ever.

Children? Who needs them?
More properly entitled, "Bitter? I Hardly Knew 'Er".

Jan Barden on the couples who are happy to live without offspring

Wow, Jan, thanks for enlightening us. I did not know couples COULD be happy to live without offspring.

Cuddle a baby, scented and sleepy fresh from the bath, and you feel you could die of joy. BINGO! Lessee, that's what? Like 5-10 minutes out of a day?But catch a fractious toddler kicking the corner tin out of a stack of baked beans in the supermarket and you could kill from rage. And that's the other 23.80 hours of the day, and you're wondering why folks aren't clamoring for a slab of that? That's parenting: a seesaw of emotions that can have you acting like Mother Teresa one moment, Pol Pot the next. And, like a runaway train, once you step aboard this ride, there's no getting off. Ever.

Imagine that, not EVERYONE wants their lives turned completely upside down to make society, or Jan Barden, happy.

	Child-free and easy: Karen Sparey and Redmond Prendeville 'I have never felt I am missing out,' she says - and certainly not on tears and tantrums

Yet some of us go along with it again and again. Biology is to blame. Once we are caught in the blinding headlights of hormones, we rarely stop to think if children will change our lives for the better. BINGO! We simply want a baby. And what our generation wants, it just has to have.

Yet some of us just don't have the ability to say "no" to our biology. Must. Have. Baby. Now. Damn the consequences! Don't forget to pity me because I have no control and have no ability to think ahead.

But the downy babies grow into bum-fluffed teenagers and fill our homes with cheesy socks and atmospheres as tense as a dentist's waiting-room. Our finances dwindle and then vanish as we face up to the chilly reality of school and university fees.

You are correct!! And yet, you seem cheesed that everyone hasn't just put on the ol' blinders and jumped in like you.

We try hard not to resent our childless friends, who, in comparison with us, breeze through their lives flashing more cash, getting more sleep and having more fun and freedom. "Marrakesh next weekend?" they murmur to each other. "Why not?"

And again, Bed. Made. Lie. So you've chosen to remain friends with people you obviously resent? Why should I care? Oh, and thanks for painting the childfree with the broad brush of wealthy irresponsibility. Listen, bitch, I work hard for the meager pittance I receive. I won't be going to Marrakesh next weekend because I can not pay for it. In fact, there are LOTS of things I can't pay for...a house, a new car, a dog, dental care, a new computer AND, gasp, even a baby. Of course, I don't want a baby, but I couldn't pay for one anyway.

They must be so happy. Or are they? BINGO! Could they just be filling their empty days with conspicuous consumerism to mask an aching loneliness and fear of a solitary old age? BINGO!

Wow, could I have some crackers with that tripe? Who will take care of me when I get old? I'm terrified! You must be so lonely without children hanging off you 24-7. What on earth do you do with ALL that free time you have, cry in your soup?

Apparently not. Those who have chosen not to become parents are, on the whole, pretty pleased with their decision. At the extreme end of the scale, some are smug and others are aggressively evangelical. Many prefer the term child-free to childless, which implies, to them, some sort of loss. It's quite the opposite, they insist in large numbers in internet chat rooms.

How DARE you be happy to not have children!! How DARE you try to connect with like-minded people!!! Mothers NEVER do this...NEVER! and then she adds the "You doth protest too much" b.s. "It must be the opposite if you say you're happy without children...no one could possibly be happy without having complete and total responsibility to raise other beings."

There's certainly a lot of them around: projections by the Office for National Statistics suggest that, of women born in 1973, 23 per cent - nearly a quarter - will not have had children by the time they hit 45.

And the point is? No really, what's the point? I'm surprised she didn't go on about the evils of feminism, birth control and working.

These are not the sad old "aunties" of yesteryear. Take 43-year-old Karen Sparey, an account administrator for a recruitment company. Child-free and fresh from an off-peak holiday in Cyprus, she says: "I feel I have a nice life. I have never felt I was missing out. Happy with your life? You selfish bitch!

"I don't think that it was ever a conscious decision to not have children until after I was 30. I have about five girlfriends who don't have children and none of them is bothered about it. It did start out as joke that we would wait until after the millennium as we thought it was going to be such a big party and we would never get a sitter. BINGO! Yes, most people decide to not have children simply because they're irresponsible party animals.

"There has never been any pressure from my family. My mum's cool and never asked about grandchildren. Anyway, my sister Helen has two boys.

"Despite working full-time I spend lots of time doing things I like. I swim at least two mornings a week and play netball, which if I had children I could maybe still do, but not be able to sit in the pub afterwards - guilt-free."

BITCH!! WHORE!!! HARLOT!!!! What a piece of work! She dared to not just have children the moment she was physically able, and in fact just let it slide like crap out of a goose? Her horrible parent's aren't DEMANDING grandbabies from her? And to top it all off, she's not a sad, lint-knitting, cat collecting, lonely spinster!! MONSTER!!

Sparey, who lives in Beckenham, Kent, says her partner, Redmond Prendeville, is equally happy with her choice and she faces the future without fear. "I can't say whether or not I will regret not having had children or grandchildren when I am older. There's nothing to say that those children you cared for and looked after are going to be there to do the same for you. And if they are, will they do it out of genuine love or just because that's what's expected?"

AND she's not filled with abject TERROR at the future? I mean, who will put her in an old folks home and force her to spend the last years of her life waiting hopefully for the obligatory yearly visit if not her children? WHO?!

Many child-free women are resentful that the workplace often seems skewed in favour of mothers, who may appear to work "kinder" hours or get extra time off. But Sparey has a more generous attitude: "I am sure they're not going home to put their feet up, unlike me. When I have a day off work, it means time to do nice things, not catch up on the ironing or take a little one to the doctor for an ailment.

"That's not to say I don't go 'Ahh' at the Johnson's Baby advertisements, but I do that over kittens and puppies, too. I just like my life and am not sure that a child would improve it - but I know it would change it."

How DARE you not want your life changed! How DARE you like your life!!!

It's a seductive argument and recent surveys in the US and Europe have indicated that childless married couples are "happier" than those with families. Yeah, put that "happy" in quotes Jan, after all no one can know true "happiness" until they have children, right? But research can work both ways. A new study at Texas Children's Hospital in Houston has shown that a baby's smile gives its mother a natural high, triggering parts of the brain that deal with sensations of reward and pleasure - the "feelgood" parts that also respond to drugs and drink. BINGO!At least a baby is legal.

Mmmm, my bingo card is filling up quite nicely. I'm sure that Texas study has NOTHING whatsoever to do with natural endorphins any humans body releases after something completely and horrifyingly painful. I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with the fact that some of these women might actually have wanted a child. Yesssss...I'm sure it just magically becomes all different when it's your own, even if you never wanted it, after all no parents ever abuse their children.

And it brings with it hidden advantages. Breastfeeding, for instance, reduces a woman's chances of rheumatoid arthritis as well as breast and ovarian cancer. It also helps to maintain bone density. BINGO!

And that's the PERFECT reason to have a child, to keep YOU safe and healthy. She doesn't mention that women who have children have greater amounts of tooth loss, or higher rates of obesity, stress or poverty. Two things to know... 1. breast feeding only reduces CHANCES and 2. there is NO escape from death.

That may offset to some extent the broken nights, toddler tantrums and teenage terrors to come.

Suuuuuree. It makes total sense to do something completely voluntary, permanent and life chang-upsetting that you have no desire to do in the off chance that it might reduce the mere chance that you might die of some illness. And totally selfless as well. "Honey, I had you to decrease the possibility of getting sick from something".

WHY

Seriously? She's listing these as reasons for creating new humans? Is there any way she could be more flippant, selfish or thoughtless?

You will:

Learn unexpected new skills such as how to administer a suppository. Hey! I DO know how to administer a suppository, I've had yeast infections. Finally understand the offside rule. Don't play that game, thusly I don't care. Plus, I'm pretty sure something like READING would help me learn and understand that rule. Discover that Homer wasn't just a Greek poet. Stupid much? Firstly, most people you ask will say "Simpson" before "greek poet" any day you ask about a Homer. Secondly, the Simpsons have been on TV for at least 15 fucking years, if you don't know there's a Homer Simpson, you SHOULD NOT be breeding. Never have to wrestle with the DVD player again. Again, if you are too stupid to operate a DVD player, you are TOO STUPID TO RAISE A HUMAN. WHY NOT Wow, she says these like they're BAD or something. You can: Head for the pub instead of dull parents' evenings. YAY! Sing along in the car with Pavarotti rather than with Postman Pat. Double fucking YAY!! 800% of children's music is unlistenable crap that makes everyone in the vicinity stupider. Eat at Mirabelle, not McDonald's. Gee, what? Jan thinks it's bad to not just shove crap in your hole to simply fill your stomach? Like it's bad to go eat a meal with knives and forks and napkins off of plates. I am so glad I do not know Jan's hell. Run for the hills when someone mentions nits. I know I'm missing out on picking parasites from a child's head like the rest of the primates, but my honest opinion is that I am glad that I will never have to do that. I've got enough of a problem with the cats and their fleas, thank you very little.

Idiot Bomb.

One of the forums (forua? foruii?) I participate in had an idea called an "Idiot Bomb". Basically, if you had a bomb that would only eliminate certian ass clowns, who would those ass clowns be?

Ass Clowns.
1. People of means who move to an area and then complain about it. I've read several distubing articles about people who move to a rural area, like a fake residental area in the middle of farm land, and then complan about the SMELL and the FLIES. And what's more, they want a law passed to take care of the smell. First, you're the one who chose to leave the big, bad, scary city (and trust me, my city is like living in a goddamned cream puff) and move onto what was, up until maybe 2 years ago FARM LAND. Second, those farmers your whining about ruining our outside play time 6 days a year are the ones who grow the food on YOUR table, and those farmers need to fertilize their crops. You should be fucking glad that you can smell the fertilizer, because that means they're using something NATURAL that might not KILL YOU. How fucking DUMB does one have to be to think that shit don't stink? Die. Now.

2. The 10% of the population who don't use their blinkers to make their drive "more exciting". I can't find the study, my husband heard about it on the radio, told me and the above was what I remembered. If you fall in this category please stop reading, douse the interior of your car in gasoline, get in, close the door and light a match because you are a worthelss fuck who deserves to die in just this manner. Unfortunately you will probably just cause such a crash and get off scott free. In fact, if you do anything like speed, tailgate, cut people off, don't read traffic signs or come to screeching stops in the middle of the street to make your drive "more exciting", feel free to follow my above suggesti-demand as well.

3. Whatever percentage of people who don't use their blinkers because they're "too lazy" can also get fucked. If you are too lazy to move ONE GODDAMNED FINGER less than 3 inches to the blinker lever, you should be caged, intubed and force fed like a pate goose until your liver explodes.

*4. People who bring children into bars, and then expect the bar to be a safe and wholesome space for children. I hope your children all grow up to be alcholic clowns who beat your elderly ass with their big shoes while they care for you. It's A BAR, most of the people there had to show identification to get in which makes it an ADULT SPACE where people do ADULT THINGS. Do I go to Chuck-E-Cheeze, drink a bladder exploding amount of beer and expect everyone to laugh uproariously while I teach the children what "whiff test" means? No, I do not, because I know that is not wanted there. Likewise, I do not want to you and your family showing up to my bar expecting me, and the rest of the grown ups, to behave as though we are day care teachers. Trust me when I say the only day care teachers in bars are the ones trying to clear their minds of the horrors you and your children inflict on them...for minimum wage no less!

5. Evangelical end-times christians. If you are actively working to acheive whatever wacko goals you fictional book sets up for the end of the world...trust me, you are not needed here. I may have been raised an athiest, but I know for damn certian that the Jesus you claim to "worship" isn't down with that shit. Beyond that, how could you even be considered human? Humans want to live, humans want others to live, humans like living. You? Not human, I'd say scum, but I wouldn't want to insult it. Hang yourself now and quit wasting the rest of our oxygen. Plus, why the fuck would you want to piss off Skydaddy by fucking up what you say he made for you?

6. Religious types with persecution complexes. GET OFF THE CROSS, SOMONE ELSE NEEDS THE WOOD. What more do you want???? A law to get everyone who isn't you to tongue wash your dumper? Guess what - YOU ALREADY HAVE EVERY FUCK THING. You control all sectors of the government, all electorial candidates, what happens in most schools, hosptials, colleges, libraries, clinics and your religious busines- I mean churches are TAX FREE meaning they don't have to provide ONE IOTA of support to the communities they occupy. Jebus crisp, maybe try to get the shit you already control working right and then I'll let you stick your nose up my ass while I'm in my bedroom.

7. Mothers who bring their children EVERYWHERE because they can't trust the father to care for them for a couple hours, or some such nonesense. If you truly believe the best achievement a person can have is a child, if it is indeed the greatest thing you've ever accomplished or that it's The Most Important Job In The World, why did you do it with a man you don't trust? I mean, are you stupid, evil or some combination of both? Children are essentially helpless until, well, I don't know, but I know they're helpless for a while, and for a longer while they're much smaller than adults. Why would you make something like that with a person who you can't even trust enough to look after it for 2 hours while it naps? Why do you have to instead take that child (or those children) to the grocery store, during nap time, at the height of crankyness and irritation? Here's a hint: if you make kids with a responsible adult, that person is capable of watching them without putting them in the microwave, or leaving them on the curb with the recycling.

8. And speaking of recycling, I hate people who complain about other people trying to live "greener". There's a local talk radio host who revels in his disgust at people using their own bags, driving hybred cars, recycling or doing anything out of the usual to be a little more conscious of their consumption. He, of course, has dozens of callers who agree. Seriously, why the hell do you care if I use canvas bags for my shopping? I don't do it because I want to feel better than others (I'm a Subgenius, I KNOW I'm better). I, and most other people, do it because it's actually more convenient. When I use canvas bags, I can usually carry my entire shopping trip in one load, which is AWESOME. I'm sorry if you don't understand the concept "don't shit where you eat" (which is pretty much what we're all doing with cars, plastics and all that), but if you'd like I'll come over to your house and illustrate why we don't do that.

Okay, my cup of irritation at humaity is bottomless, so I'll just end now. And start anew later.



*Listen, I'm all for kids in bars. I live in an area of the country where it's pretty much part of the culture. It's a valuable way for children to learn the fun, and dangers, of drinking. That said, my parents never ever expected the patrons to act any differently in my presence. I'm a better person for that.